Hunting in California 102: Draws, Deer, & Dove. Bonus of How to Find a Hunting Buddy

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Hunting 101--click here for the basics on getting started in California.

Preface & Author's Notes:

Hopefully you read Hunting 101 and found it useful. There was a ton of good stuff people added in the comments as well so make sure to go back and read them. I'll be updating and modifying the original OP to add stuff. Unfortunately, the post is something like 399xx characters already and Reddit has a 40K limit.
The goal is to post roughly a section per week. These aren't exactly short and take a few days to write/edit. While they're hardly complete, I do want it to contain enough information and resources where it's useful to new hunters. I don't expect to be helping experts by any stretch (I'm no expert myself) so some of this stuff may be generalized. That being said I do need help from someone who can send me some info on pig hunting. I've hunted most species in California and I know pig hunting is popular and lots of people have questions about it; however, pigs are extirpated from San Diego and the only pig hunting I've done is on a ranch in Texas using thermals... which is not legal at all in this state. So if you can do a quick write-up and send me some good info, that would be great. I can edit it and get it into the format I'm rolling with throughout. Also if someone can provide some suggestions on getting started with air rifles that would be great (u/errorseven pointed out I forgot about airguns which is admittedly because I don't know much about them).
I should add there is a natural bias toward hunting in Southern California just due to the fact I'm writing what I know and not what I've heard at the campfire. If people from elsewhere in the state have region-specific advice I would really appreciate it if you added it in the comments. After all, we're fortunate enough to live in a state where one can surf, snowboard and hit sand dunes all within 2 hours of each other.
The next section will cover elk, coyote, rabbit, and quail. Anyone who has gone elk hunting knows it's very similar to deer hunting so that section will be mostly about the differences instead of a full write-up.

Part 5: Getting the Dream Tag and General Draw Strategies

If you need a quick background on tags please read 'Hunting 101: Part 2: Tags, Stamps, and Points. Oh my!'
To start: each person has a different view toward hunting and you need to determine which view you hold. Most new hunters have a "meat in the freezer" attitude whereas people who have been hunting for a while tend to be more in favor of pursuing the trophy animal. What does this really mean? The longer you hunt the more likely you are to pass on the young 2x1 buck (if you don't know what that means quite yet don't worry) and wait for chance of the mythical old 5x5 to come walking up. That is not to say every hunter fits this stereotype or that one view is any better or worse than the other. It's just a generalization. That being said, your attitude will affect your draw strategy. I'll explain more below. Just keep it in the back of your mind for now.

Deer Tags

Deer Tag Types - Premium, Restricted and Unrestricted. What it all means:
Deer tags in California come in three flavors:
1. Premium - These tags are allocated via lottery. The state determines premium deer tags based on whether the quota of tags was met on or before the first business day following 7/1. In short: if the tag sold out before the draw it's a premium tag the next year. You are limited to one premium tag per year and it must be your "1st Deer Tag" (I'll explain this later). The vast majority of "good" tags are premium tags.
2. Restricted - These tags are tags which didn't sell out by 7/1 but sold out by 8/1. This year there were no restricted tags. These tags are first-come, first-served and take the place of a "1st Deer Tag" if you buy one as a "1st choice" on your "1st tag". If you didn't draw on your premium hunt entry (or entered preference point only), you're permitted to pick up a restricted tag as a second tag. It's a bit weird. For now, think of "restricted tags" as premium tags with 100% draw odds.
3. Unrestricted - These tags are tags which didn't sell out by the first business day after August 1st. These can be either first or second tags. They're sold on a first-come, first-served basis and can be either a 1st or 2nd tag--or both.
Deer tags: 1st vs 2nd Explained:
When you go to enter the lottery or purchase your deer tags you've got the option of two deer tags. The first tag costs $33.48 and the second is $41.86. The tags are not created equal as weird as it may sound.
1st Deer tag - Think of this as your lottery tag. It's generally a bad strategy to buy an unrestricted tag with your first choice on your 1st deer tag because you're just giving up (potential) points or better tags. You're only allowed to enter a single draw each season. This draw must be on the 1st deer tag.
2nd Deer tag - Treat this as an actual secondary "OTC" tag. If you hunt archery, the AO is your new best friend. Once you buy your second tag, the tag is yours. There is no waiting. If you enter the big game draw in April with a 1st tag premium entry and a 2nd tag unrestricted, the unrestricted tag will actually be mailed to you a month+ before you find out if you drew your first tag.
Deer Seasons: General, Archery, Muzzleloading Rifle and Muzzleloading Rifle/Archery
I'll keep this short.
General - One can hunt with rifle, shotgun, archery equipment, muzzleloading rifle, or crossbow.
Archery - One can hunt with archery equipment only. Crossbows aren't archery in California.
Muzzleloading Rifle - One can hunt with blackpowder muzzleloading rifles.
Muzzleloading Rifle / Archery - I'm sure you'll be shocked to know you can hunt with either muzzloaders or archery equipment.
Deer Tags - which tag(s) do I enter for?
FIRST DETERMINE YOUR ZONE FROM THIS MAP
This is a very difficult question to answer; however, I will hopefully give you enough info here to make an informed choice. The following factors are going to influence your decision making a lot.
1 - Do you live in an unrestricted zone? If so, go with a premium draw on the first tag and grab your local tag for your second if you want to try and harvest two deer, otherwise make your 2nd/3rd choice the unrestricted tag.
2 - Do you want meat in the freezer or a trophy? If you want a trophy, the above D-16 tag is probably not for you.
3 - Archery, rifle or Muzzle-loader? Hunting archery opens up a lot (learn to love the AO) and some muzzle loader hunts in premium zones are easier to draw than equivalent rifle hunts.
4 - Do you want to travel and can you afford the time off? If not, don't buy a tag that's 12 hours away (i.e. X3b for San Diego).
Lets give an example of draw strategy: Lets suppose you're a San Diego hunter who prefers to hunt locally for meat-in-the-freezer during deer season because you go trophy hunting out of state. You usually buy two deer tags because you enjoy doubling your disappointment. The tags for San Diego (using our handy map as a reference) are D16 (general, antlered), A-22 (either-sex archery split-season), G-13 (general, antlerless) AO (archery only, antlered), and M-6 (either-sex muzzleloader).
Lets break down these tags a bit further.

Tag	Hunt Type	Tag Type	Number of Tags	Season Dates	Draw Odds (zero points)	Hunter Success****	4+ point bucks
D-16	General, antlered	Unrestricted	3,000	9/5-9/27 (archery) & 10/24-11/22 (general)	OTC / 100%	11.9%	7.3%
A-22	Archery, either-sex	Premium	1,000	9/5-10/18 & 11/21-12/31	UNKNOWN** (turned out to be 100%)	5.4%	10%, does are half the harvest as well
M-6	Muzzleloader, either sex	Premium	80	12/19 - 12/31	89% (2019), 75% (2018)	5% (2019), 8% (2018)	0%
G-13	General, antlerless	Premium	300	10/24 - 11/15	<7% (2019)	17% (2019)	0%
AO	Statewide archery, antlered	Unrestricted	unlimited	Same as D-16 for San Diego	OTC / 100%	10% (statewide)	18.1%

** This was the first year A-22 was premium. Last year it was restricted if I remember correctly
*** I ended up using goHUNT to do draw odds rather than calculate it from the state's data here except for G-13
**** Hunter success estimates from the state assume some who didn't return tags harvested. Take that for what you will.
Side note: The reason it's antlered/antlerless is that very, very rarely Does will grow antlers. Kind of a fun fact for the campfire.
First thing to check is the season dates. Are you going to be able to hunt those dates? If not, don't bother applying for the tag. Easy enough, right? In this case, for our totally-made-up hunter, he's hunting in Arizona during general rifle in part of October and November, but is otherwise going to be able to hunt most seasons.
Second thing: meat or trophy? If trophy is the goal there's little incentive to enter G-13 as it's antlerless and most people don't taxidermy a doe. There's also an argument to be made that the A-22--despite the longer season--isn't worth entering as a premium draw when our hunter can just grab a D-16 or AO tag so he can harvest two bucks (theoretically). That being said, we can see from the table above, trophy bucks are very rare in San Diego. At the same time, we see that "meat in the freezer" happens to only 10.6% of hunters in D-16 (I excluded AO from this because it's impossible to calculate as it's a statewide tag).
Third thing: equipment type. Our hunter prefers archery hunting but does rifle hunt. Therefore, the A-22 with the longer season is a good choice. Because the D-16 tag overlaps with the same archery dates as AO, but allows for rifle-hunting, it would make sense to choose D-16 over AO for our hunter as it opens up rifle hunting if he so chooses and he won't be hunting deer outside of the D-16 zone this year in California.
Lets go ahead and come up with a draw strategy for this hunter. Since the hunter just wants to put meat on the table, the highest probability of success is the G-13 tag at 17%. However, the odds of drawing one is under 7%, which isn't great for a tag with a harvest rate of only 17%. Therefore, it's best to look at the other tags. We see the next most successful tags are D-16 and A-22. A-22 is a premium tag and D-16 is an unrestricted tag. Therefore, on our application we put for our first tag A-22 and for the second tag a D-16.
Now when you go to choose your 1st deer tag it asks you for three choices. These are your first, second, and third choices. For the above, if we want to try and harvest two deer, we can put AO as the second choice. This way if we don't draw A-22 we can still get an AO tag and we still get a preference point for not drawing A-22. Preference points are awarded for not drawing your 1st choice on your 1st tag.
But wait, is that really the optimal draw strategy for San Diego?
No. The better strategy would be:
1st Tag

• 1st choice - G-13
• 2nd choice - A-22
• 3rd choice - AO

2nd Tag - D-16
If you don't get drawn on G-13 (which you probably won't), you'll be awarded a preference point and entered into the second round drawing on A-22. Since A-22 didn't end up selling out this would have been a 100% draw meaning you'd get the A-22, but also the bonus point for not drawing G-13. However, if you didn't get the A-22, you would then get your 3rd choice: AO. The flip side is you could also sub a D-16 for the A-22 and, assuming D-16 doesn't sell out, you could have two D-16 tags. If it does sell out, you'd get the AO tag with your first and the D-16 with the second.
Confused yet? Sorry... I'm doing my best here.
How else does choice affect things? Lets say you live in Redding and you're a rifle-only hunter. You want to hunt the area within a half day's drive. This opens up A, B, C and X-zones (plus the D3-5 which is actually a single tag)--lucky you. As a general rule of thumb bound to offend people, X > C > B > A > D(3-5) when you factor harvest rates, trophy size, and percentage of accessible public land... But that's only a general rule so take it for what it is.
Therefore, for your 1st deer tag you may want to do the following draw strategy:
1st choice: X-9(a)
2nd choice: C (C zone is one tag for the confused D-zone hunters)
3rd choice: B, A, D(3-5) tag (or any "guaranteed" draw)
Why? It enters you into drawing X-9(a) which has a ~1% draw chance on a 0 preference point entry. Assuming you don't draw this tag, it enters you into the second round drawing for C and you're awarded a preference point for not drawing your 1st choice on your 1st tag. C zone has 100% draw rate for first choice applicants. The remaining tags are then pooled into a drawing for the 2nd choice applicants. The draw rate for the 2nd choice varies from 15-40% depending on the year, but is usually around 25%. Not the best odds and this strategy is entirely subjective and that's sort of the point. Do what makes sense for you.
For your 2nd deer tag buy a B, A or D3-5 tag or any unrestricted tag assuming you want to try and harvest two deer. Easy enough?
Disclaimer: If unrestricted tags sell out before the big game draw, using them as the 2nd or 3rd choice on your first tag can leave you SOL. It's why it's usually better to get something like the D-16 (that could potentially sell out) on your second tag rather than risk losing it.
Author's Note: This section took a long time to write because I couldn't figure out a way to explain it without making it super confusing. If it's still confusing please let me know so I can try and fix it. The goal is to make this as approachable as possible. I re-wrote this several times and I'm still not happy with it.

Species other than deer (i.e. elk, antelope and sheep)

This is a little more straightforward. When you enter these drawings you only have to select your hunt. Is there some strategy that can be applied here? Yes-ish. However, drawing without points is still unlikely. There are some draws where people without preference points have the same odds as those who have them. All hunts where "Preference Point Tag Quota" is 0 and there is a Random Tag Quota means that all who enter are treated equally.
Elk - Drawing elk without points is pretty unlikely. There are 281 elk tags available in the general draw and there were 30,361 applicants this year--not counting preference point only; however, you can increase your odds a few ways.

• 1 - your chances will increase if you choose to enter for an archery or muzzleloader tag or you are a "meat in the freezer" hunter and willing to harvest a cow elk or a spike bull. What do I mean? If you enter hunt code 303 (Marble Mountains MuzzleloadeArchery either-sex) your odds are 0.90% to draw without points. If you choose to enter for the 302 tag (Marble Mountains bull general methods) your odds are 0.50%. However, this is only a general rule as the 486 tag (a rifle tag) has 0.2% draw odds while the equivalent archery tag is 0.1%. Another general rule of thumb is that muzzleloader odds are better than archery, which, in turn, is better than rifle.
• 2 - SHARE hunts. Without points, some of the share hunts actually have better odds than drawing without points. However, you do not gain any preference points when you don't draw a SHARE tag.
  
• 3 - Hunt out-of-state.
  

There is some good news for aspiring elk hunters. The state added several new elk hunts this year and the herd populations appear to be healthy and growing at better-than-expected rates. More tags should be available in future years. So just keep trying.
Antelope - Strategies here are pretty much the same as elk. Case in point: 765 (Zone 6 archery) has 1.2% draw odds vs .1% for the equivalent rifle tag. This is another example of where there is only one tag available to those without points (the 765 tag that is).
Bighorn Sheep - Same as above. There are 7 "random tags" and 19 "preference point tags" for the entire state. That's 26 tags and 11,627 applicants (not counting 5,641 preference point applicants). Your best odds are Zone 8 and we're still talking .15%. Also keep in mind the "best odds" zone changes most years as people will apply for what they think they'll win.
So... should I just apply for preference point only? If you can afford the tag, the time off to hunt/scout, and are willing to put in the work the answer is a hard no. Any chance is better than no chance. I know someone who drew a Arizona Mule Deer "strip" tag as a non-resident with 1 point. For reference, the odds of drawing that are less than a zone 8 sheep tag here in California. Everyone knows someone who drew a dream tag with few/no points.
You keep talking about out-of-state hunting... should I get points out-of-state too? Yes. Again, if you can afford to do it you should do it. For reference, I've got preference points for sheep and elk in California, Arizona, and Nevada, antelope in Nevada and California, and bison in Arizona at this point. I drew my Arizona and California mule deer tags this year so my only mule deer preference points are in Nevada at the moment. If you live in Southern California those states are good options for out-of-state hunts since they're easily drive-able.

Part 6: Deer Hunting

What do I need?

• Valid hunting license
  
• Tag(s) for the area and method(s) you are hunting
  
• Patience and realistic expectations
  
• See my other post for gear.
  

When is the draw?
The deer draw is part of the general big game draw. This runs from April to June. If you missed the draw--don't panic. There are still tags available. Don't forget your zones either.
What are the season dates?
They vary throughout the state. Check the zone map for yours.
What is the difference between antlered, antlerless and either-sex?

• Antlered - Basically a buck with 2 points on one side and one point on the other is the bare minimum for a "antlered" deer under current definitions.
  
• Antlerless - In California, if there are no antlers or the antlers are shorter than 3 inches and not branched, it's antlerless.
  
• Either-sex - Basically both of the above definitions combined.
  

What kind of deer are there in California?
We have Columbian black-tailed deer and various subspecies of mule deer. This map shows the distributions as well as the mule deer subspecies.
When do you start deer hunting?
Frankly, you don't stop. If you're out for spring turkey keep an eye out for tracks. If you go out coyote hunting in January you should be doing the same. The more you know and the more time you spend scouting, the more successful you'll be. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who doesn't scout and still manages to punch his tag every opening day. People also win the PowerBall lottery. Doesn't mean I'm going to buy a ticket and quit my job. Hunting takes work.
If you're just a "casual" deer hunter (and there's no shame in that) a good time to start scouting and placing cameras is 3 months before the opener if you're not running cameras or scouting year-round. It's just a good rule of thumb to follow but is far from a hard and fast rule and the more time you give yourself the more successful you'll be.
Where do I place my game cameras?
This question varies a lot due to a number of factors. The biggest being the kind of environment in which you're hunting and how good your cameras are. If you've got a camera that reliably detects movement at 80 feet, you can afford to place them at wider choke points than someone running cameras which are blind past 40 feet. Make sense?
So here's a few rules of thumb when placing trail cameras:

• The higher up you can place the camera the better, but don't place a camera where you'll need to carry a ladder out with you to get it.
  
• Cameras placed on the ground/rocks will really test the waterproof claims of the manufacturer (really only applies to desert hunters though and I'm sure our NorCal friends are scratching their heads on this one)
  
• Place trail cameras where you see deer tracks. I know this should be obvious but for a lot of people it isn't. It lets you pattern deer.
  
• If you absolutely can't find tracks, place cams in natural draws and near sources of water (if you're hunting the desert look for guzzlers)
  
• If you know the preferred food source place a camera there. Oak trees will start dropping acorns usually around the first week of October and are a great spot to start looking, but can be a disappointment if you're looking to see deer in July.
  
• Finally, if you know a bedding area, place a trail cam there well in advance of the season and then check it the last time at least two weeks prior to opening day. Your behavior will affect deer behavior. That is not a myth.
  
• Some people spray cameras with scent remover. This may or may not be a myth. I do it. To each his own. I think it's most important if placing one near a bedding area and otherwise doesn't really matter.
  
• Make sure a branch isn't going to be waving in the wind right in front of the camera.
  
• Don't make them super obvious. Deer will see them and so will people. If people see it, there's a decent chance your camera will grow legs and walk off.
  
• Mark your cameras on GPS. Lost cameras are sad cameras. Don't make your cameras sad.
  

How often should I check my cameras?
Assuming you're not running fancy LTE cameras just check your cameras every 3 weeks. That is unless you have reason to believe your SD card will be full or your batteries will die (this shouldn't happen though).
What if I see nothing on my cameras?
If you see nothing and don't see any fresh sign, move the camera. If you see absolutely nothing (not just a lack of deer), it would be smart to make sure your camera is actually working.
How do I 'scout'?
This really isn't as difficult as it sounds. In short, look for an area on OnX you think has deer and go check it out. Your best option is to arrive at mid-day the first time. WAIT WHAT? WHAT IS THIS HERESY? If you've never been there before you don't know the terrain at all. What you see on OnX or Google Maps can be incredibly deceptive. Especially in Southern California where brush can make entire areas inaccessible that otherwise look great from satellites. Arriving at dawn and just hoping to see deer is optimistic at best. You need to answer the following questions:

• Can my vehicle get me within reasonable walking distance? How's parking? Will my vehicle be secure?
  
• Is the hike in and out within my physical limitations and those of my hunting partner(s)--especially if the hike out involves packing out a deer?
  
• Are there tracks or other signs?
  
• Is there water nearby? What about food?
  
• Are there places to set up game cameras?
  
• If stand hunting, is there a place you can place your stand safely and within an ethical shooting distance?
  
• If spot-and-stalk hunting, where are the good glassing spots?
  
• Does this area look like it's hunted frequently or people pass through often? Look for used shells/casings, footprints, and game cameras?
  
• Are there signs of mountain lions?
  
• What is the dominant wind direction?
  
• Where are the natural choke points?
  

All of these questions are far easier to answer after the sun has come up. For your first trip just go during the day. Also add extra time for getting in and out. What may appear to be an hour long hike may turn into three. Be prepared. Have water and a snack.
Once you've determined a spot you want to hunt, it's a good idea to place cameras and then spend the next two weekends scouting other locations. When you come back to check your cameras after three weeks--and you're doing a spot-and-stalk hunt--it's a good idea to get there at sunrise and start glassing from the spots you think are good to glass from. Look for fresh tracks each time you come back. Don't be afraid to move your cameras either.
What areas should I look for?
This list is endless but a few quick ones are:

• Areas within 1-2 miles of water
  
• North-facing slopes when it's hot. South-facing slopes when it's not. As a rule for southern California, until about November, just avoid southwest facing slopes.
  
• Food, food and more food. Find the food sources. Did I mention food?
  
• Areas with shorter "brushy" trees under which deer can bed
  
• Areas that burned within the last 3-5 years. Our fires are good for more than just having your out-of-state friends ask if you're OK.
  
• Transitional zones (i.e. where desert chaparral meets oak trees).
  
• Private property boundaries where deer may not have experienced hunting pressure in the past
  

How do I glass?
Glassing isn't as difficult as some people think, but it's also not as easy as sitting and just looking through a pair of binoculars.

• A couple of key ideas:
  
  • Start close and work your way out. Don't miss the buck 100 yards in front of you because you're busy looking a mile out
  • When picking a glassing spot you want to maximize how much you can see, but keep in mind optics have a range. You're probably not going to see deer 2 miles away with only a pair of 8x42 binos.
  • Open terrain is great, but if you're glassing where there's no food, water, or shelter; well, you probably won't see anything.
  • Use your GPS to mark (roughly) where the deer are.
  • Scan with your binoculars (preferably from a tripod) first. Use a spotting scope once you've found what you think is a deer. Scanning with a spotting scope is definitely possible but it will cause eye strain quicker and takes a lot more skill.
  • Try and find where the deer bed as well as identify what they're eating
  • Do a scanning pattern that will keep you honest and actually work for you. You want to cover all the ground you can.
  • Scan from right-to-left (assuming you read left-to-right). Things that don't belong will stand out more and this is a common tactic taught to the military because you've trained your brain to make images fit when scanning left-to-right. Of course, once you've scanned right-to-left, go back and scan again left-to-right.
  • Bring a comfortable seat/chair.
  • Go slow. It's not a race.
  • TAKE A BREAK.
• Eye strain is real. You can reduce this through a few methods.
  
  • First and foremost is to use a tripod and try to avoid cheap glass
  • Stay hydrated. Dehydration can cause vision issues... plus is generally bad.
  • Keep the sun out of your eyes. Wear a hat.
  • TAKE BREAKS. This is why hunting buddies are best buddies. Swap off glassing every couple of minutes. It's why in hunting shows they always seem so relaxed when glassing.
  • If your eyes start to feel tired or you start getting a headache just drink some water and take a quick 20 minute nap. Now you know why your grandpap calls it "resting his eyes." You'll thank yourself later.

Pro tip: If you have a laser range finder, you can use it to get the distance to the deer and then use OnX's line distance tool to get a pretty precise marking on where the deer is on your GPS. This is especially useful on a bedded deer you're stalking during archery season.
This video by goHUNT is pretty good on how to glass and worth watching. Better than reading my wall of text anyway.
How do I stalk a deer?
Oh boy. This is a tough one. First and foremost, be patient. Be very, very patient. Then be even more patient. Assuming you're watching the deer through a spotting scope or pair of binoculars, try and wait to see if the deer is going to bed. If it's mid-morning you've got a decent chance of this happening. A bedded deer is going to be easier to stalk than a mobile one.
Basic stalking goes like this:

• Mark where the deer is as closely as possible on your GPS as well as other deer nearby
  
• Know the direction the deer is heading
  
• Know the range at which you need to get to in order to ethically harvest your deer
  
• Know the wind direction. Stay downwind of the deer.
  
• Look for natural barriers and concealment that can hide your movement. If possible, keep a ridge or hill between you and the deer.
  
• Plot your route before you go.
  
• Glass your route. Make sure you're not going to bump a bedded deer on the way or there is some natural obstruction which will prevent you from getting from A to B.
  
• Have an alternate route. This one is highly underrated and will make you look like a pro to all of your friends.
  
• Mark your glassing spot on your GPS (if you didn't already) and drop as much gear as you can--but make sure you have water and emergency gear... also don't forget your bow release.
  
• Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Start making your way toward the deer.
  
• If the distance is more than a few hundred yards, it's important that you plan for stops where you can glass and check that your deer is still there and that you're still downwind. Wind direction changes and can be completely different from one side of a valley to the other.
  
• If you're bow hunting, it's a good idea to remove your boots when you're 100 yards out or so. While I don't believe this makes you that much quieter, it will slow you down a lot.
  
• Once you're where you want to be--and the deer is where you want the deer to be--make sure to check the range. Then take a shot!
  

One more thing: don't get too upset about a blown stalk. No one bats 1.000 when stalking deer. It's just impossible.
When are deer most active and what about the moon?
Deer are most active around dawn/dusk and tend to bed down when it starts getting hot. That doesn't mean to stop hunting in the middle of the day. Keep glassing. Just understand you're less likely to see them moving. As for the moon, when there is a full moon, deer tend to be more active at night than during the day. That doesn't mean you're not going to find deer during the day. It's just worth mentioning.
What about scent control?
Scent control is a hotly debated topic among hunters. My personal feelings are you should minimize your scent, but the extreme measures some take are unnecessary. The most important scent control is the wind. Don't be upwind of a deer you're trying to stalk. That being said, use scent-free detergent on your hunting clothes, scent-free deodorant, and scent-free body wash / shampoo and you're good to go. You can give your gear a spray down with a scent eliminator if you want. Some people will claim that this is actually extreme. Personally, I think it's all pretty easy to do and it doesn't really hurt anything. How helpful it is though can be debated.
Where do I shoot a deer?
First: Don't take a headshot. No offense: you're just not that good. No one is. You'll end up missing or wounding the deer. This site has the best infographics on where to aim, although it's specific to archery. You can shoot a deer straight-on with a rifle, but you risk ruining a lot of meat if you're shooting a rifle with some power to it. In short: aim for the heart and lungs.
What do I do when I harvest a deer?
First, take your pictures. Try and avoid a lot of blood in pictures. You're bound to share these eventually with non-hunters and blood makes many people uncomfortable. Be considerate.
Once you've got your pictures tag your animal. Wondering how? Check out this video made by CDFW.
If you're close to home and just going to drag the deer out, you don't have to field dress it; however, it's still a good idea to gut your deer. Wondering how? MeatEater's Steven Rinella has a great how-to video. If you're in the backcountry and need to quarter your deer, there's another MeatEater video which covers it, albeit briefly. There's dozens of other YouTube videos as well.
It's important that you get your tag counter-signed as soon as you leave the field. This is a requirement and not a big deal. It can be a bit intimidating the first time, but plenty of people are authorized and most of them are going to be giving you a high-five and not a hard time.
Don't forget: within 30 days you need to report your harvest but you should just do it when you get home.
Finally, post your picture to Californiahunting so we can give you some well-earned upvotes.
What if I didn't harvest a deer?
First off, know that you're not alone. Most hunters are unsuccessful when deer hunting in this state. Just get started planning and scouting for next year. Make sure you report that you didn't harvest a deer no later than 1/31, but it's smartest to do it the day the season closes so you don't forget. You can do this online. It's super easy. There's no excuse and it's really helpful to Fish and Wildlife--and therefore helpful to other hunters. Be a good citizen.

Part 7: Dove Hunting

What do I need?

• Valid hunting license
  
• Upland Game validation
  
• Patience and realistic expectations (notice a theme on this one?)
  
• See my other post for gear.
  
• 12 or 20 gauge shotgun with LOTS of #6 or #7 steel shot. Know what works best for you by spending some time at the range.
  
• Bow with flu-flu arrows
  

What are the season dates?
bigdistance1 has a neat google doc of the seasons. There's also the DFW site.
This year the dates are 9/1-9/15 and 11/14 - 12/28.
Please note that there is a no-limit open season on Eurasian Collared-doves.
What are the bag limits?
15, up to 10 of which may be white-winged doves for Mourning Dove and White-winged doves as well as a possession limit of 3x the daily limit. No daily bag or possession limit on Spotted Dove, Ringed Turtle Dove, or Eurasian Collared-dove.
How do I know which dove I shot?
This nice little doc from DFW makes it easy. Download it to your phone for reference. There's no shame in making sure you're doing it right.
How do I scout for dove or where do I go for dove?
Dove are present throughout the state. The best places tend to be the edges of agricultural fields. The best time to scout good dove fields is when you're scouting for deer or rabbit hunting. You'll see dove pretty much everywhere starting around June/July. Just start taking note.
When looking on the edges of fields, look for perching/roosting/resting (not sure the right word) sites. These should be trees with few leaves or visual obstructions for the birds, but enough cover for some shade for the birds. Also look around power lines but don't shoot a power line. That will not end well for anyone. Seriously. Don't do it.
Doves follow a flight pattern. If you watch where they fly in and out of fields from you'll know where to set up. Gaps in tree cover are pretty commonly the flight paths so start there.
Water is another good option. If you've got a water source near a field, and the field is overrun with hunters, go set up by the water source.
The best dove hunting in California is arguably Imperial County. The state maintains fields for this that are open to hunting.
Important tips

• Minimize movement. You can absolutely spook doves. Just be still.
  
• Use a blind. It will help. Wear cammo if you have it.
  
• Bring LOTS of ammo.
  
• If you shoot a banded bird report it. You're not in trouble or anything. Brag to your buddies about it. Just be a good hunter and report it.
  
• Use decoys.
  
• Take a break from ~9:30am until ~3pm--the birds are taking one.
  

What do I with a harvested dove?
This is a good video. Breast it and throw it on ice.

Bonus: How to Find a Hunting Buddy (or Buddies).

There are a lot of hunting clubs that offer the opportunity to network with other hunters. Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation, National Wild Turkey Federation, and Backcountry Hunters & Anglers are some of the larger ones. There are also smaller ones like California Varmint Callers which despite the rather dated website still has very active regional clubs.
Other options include joining your local Rod & Gun and asking around. Or just posting here on /Californiahunting. Someone should just make an hunter4hunter or something at this point.
Also if you're a member of a club that's open to new members just comment below for some free advertising.

Conclusion / Final Thoughts

Why did you write all this shit?
Hunting is an important tradition and lots of people who didn't grow up hunting are starting to get into it but are completely lost. Unfortunately, hunting is a hobby with a steep learning curve that can be downright daunting just to get started with. I'm a selfish person. The more people hunting, well, the better for everyone, myself included. I don't want this state to keep doing shit like banning bobcat hunting for no reason. The more hunters, the more voters, and the better our chances of preserving the tradition are and opening up more public land to recreation.
I noticed a mistake!
Great! Comment below and I'll fix it. We're all human and I don't pretend to be infallible.
Can I get a tl;dr?
If you need a tl;dr, sorry. Hunting isn't for you.

Since the Diamond Casino update, I have seen a large number of 12-year-olds posting Blackjack memes on this sub. As a parent, this has me very worried.
On top of that, I have seen some of the most trustworthy GTA Youtubers giving flawed gambling advice, which can have damaging impact on their gullible audiences.
So that's why I decided to write this up, to educate everyone on the subject, so there will be no more misunderstandings.
(2020 Update down at the bottom.)
If you're one of those Youtubers that wants to use this information in a video, feel free to do so. The more people (especially kids) that become educated about gambling, the better.
But then also please go back and review your own work, and delete or edit the videos that are giving out the wrong advice, like where you're saying you have "a good strategy for making money with roulette", or some other nonsense that I've heard this week. Delete that please.
Before I get into the individual games, I need to discuss a few concepts first, that will make understanding the rest a lot easier.
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Expected return and variance
A game like Roulette or Slots has a fixed expected return on your bets. This is a percentage that you have no way of influencing. Say you are flipping a coin against a friend, and you both put up $1. The winner gets the pot. Since the odds are even at 50%, in the long run, you will expect to break even. Your expected return is 100% of your bet.
But imagine if you would play this coin flipping game in a casino against the house. On the "house rules" listed at the table they would probably say that you would only get 95 cents back for every win, while you are forfeiting a dollar on every loss. Would you still play?
Sounds stupid to do so, but still, everybody does it. Every bet they place on Roulette, every coin they put into a Slot machine, is based on the same concept.
Those few cents they take on every bet are their profit margin, and has paid for all the Vegas lights, the Mirage volcanoes, and the Bellagio fountains. Make no mistake - casino gambling games are not designed to make you lose, because sure, you can get lucky on a single night, but they are designed to make them win. That's the beauty of it. They can both exist at the same time.
Too many people that don't see how this works, are just destined for disaster. Just because you went on a lucky streak and won 8 games out of 10, does not mean that flipping coins is a profitable game, or that choosing tails is a winning strategy. Always be aware of the house edge, your true chances of winning, and just realize that you got lucky. There is no such thing as a strategy in flipping a coin that will give you a higher expected return, so it's just pure gambling, just like Slots and Roulette.
Most casino games are made in such a way, that your expected return is a little under 100%. This means that from every dollar bet at the tables, the casino expects to keep a few cents. For individual players, results may vary. Some will win, most will lose. But for the house, it doesn't matter. They take millions of bets each day, so for them, the expected average works out a lot sooner. In short: the house always wins.
When looking at the house edge, we're talking about the expected long-term result, based on the game's house rules. But for a player, it can take literally tens of thousands of hands or spins before you also reach this average number. Until that time, you can experience huge upswings and downswings, that are the result of nothing but short-term luck, which is called variance.
Some games and some bets have a much higher variance than others, which means your actual results will differ enormously from what you're expected to be at.
Take for example betting on red/black at the Roulette table. This is a low-variance proposition, because it has a high percentage chance of occurring, and a low payout.
Contrast this with betting single numbers in Roulette, which only win once every 38 spins on average. This bet has a much higher variance, meaning you can easily hit a dry spell, and not hit anything for 200 bets in a row, or you can see a single number hit three times in five consecutive spins. This is not a freak occurrence in high-variance bets.
Even though the expected return in both these bets is exactly the same, there's a huge difference in variance, causing massive differences in short-term results, which can go both ways. You need to be aware of this, before you decide what types of bets you are comfortable with placing.
​
Gamblers' Fallacy
Another thing to realize, is that each individual game, hand, or spin, is completely independent from the one(s) before it, and after it.
Gamblers tend to believe, that the chance of a certain outcome is increased, based on previous results.
The most famous example comes from the Casino de Monte Carlo, where the Roulette wheel managed to land on black 26 times in a row. Gamblers lost many millions during that streak, all frantically betting on red, believing that the odds were in favor of the wheel coming out on red, after producing so many blacks. This is not true. Each round is completely independent, and the odds are exactly the same.
You will hear people say things like a Blackjack table being "hot" or "cold", which is completely superstitious, and should be ignored. The exception was when Blackjack was being dealt from a shoe. It made card counting possible. But with the introduction of shuffle machines, and continuous shuffling like is being used in GTA, this no longer exists.
This is also why "chasing your losses" is a very bad idea. After being on a losing streak for some time, many gamblers believe that now it's their turn to start winning. So they will often increase their bet size, believing that when their predicted winning streak comes around, they will win back their losses, and more.
The reality of it, more often than not, is that people will indeed start playing higher and higher limits, until they are completely broke. Nobody is ever "due for a win". There is never a guarantee that you're about to start winning. In fact, the opposite is more likely to be true. You are, after all, in a casino.
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Betting systems
Some people like to think that they have a fool-proof betting system, like the Martingale system. Simply increase or even double your bet when you lose, and keep doing that until you win. In theory, this system will always win. So that's why table limits were introduced, and where the system fails.
If you start at the Roulette table, playing red/black, with a small 750 chip wager, and just double your bet every time you lose, you only have to lose 6 times in a row, before you will be betting the table limit of 48,000, just to get that 750 chip profit.
Sure, you can go on all evening without this happening, winning 750 chips each time, but this losing streak only has to happen once, and you're bust. Any betting system like this is ill-advised, because you are hugely increasing your so-called "risk of ruin", and that's what we were trying to avoid.
And even if your starting bet is only 100 chips, after only nine straight losses, and nine doubled bets, you are betting the table limit at 50,000 chips. If you lose that bet, you're 100,000 chips in the hole, with no way to recover that with your 100 chip base wager.
So don't believe anyone that says this is the perfect system to always win in the casino. Sooner or later they will understand why they were wrong, when they're asking you for a loan.
​
Set your limits BEFORE you start playing
One final point before we get into the games, a general tip for people that head out to play: money management.
Just like in real life, before you go to the casino, decide on a maximum amount that you are WILLING TO LOSE.
Bet small enough, so that amount can last you through the entire evening, and you will not be tempted to run to the ATM to continue playing.
Considering GTA money, some people will be comfortable losing 1% of their GTA bank balance, some people will be comfortable with gambling away 5% of their total GTA savings. It's up to you what you can handle. Decide for yourself where it will start to hurt, and don't cross that line.
But whatever number you decide on, as soon as you lost that amount, get up and walk away. Don't chase your losses, stick to your limits, and accept that this has not been your day. There is always another game tomorrow. Always agree with yourself on a simple stop-loss rule, how much you would want to lose at most, and simply stop playing when you get there.
Same goes for winning. You can decide on a number, how much profit you would like to take away from the casino. You can go on a hot streak and be up half a million in a short period of time, but if you would continue to play longer, looking for more, chances are that you're going to lose it all back.
Most people are happy with doubling their daily casino budget, for example. Others are looking for 10 bets profit in Blackjack. Whatever you choose, when you hit that number, you can stop playing and bank your profits, or you can continue playing if you're still enjoying the games, but then only just play minimum bet sizes. Then you're just playing for fun, not for money. You've already made your profit, so simply keep it in your pocket, and don't risk losing it again.
Either way, decide on what your money management strategy will be, and STICK TO IT.
​
Casino games in GTA Online
Now, I'm going to dive into the games that you can find at the Diamond casino, ordered from worst to best.
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6) Slots
Generally the rule is this: the less strategy a game has, the worse it is for the player. And with slots, this is definitely the case.
The only influence you have, is choosing what type of machine you're going to play. Basically, there are two types of slot machines:
-high frequency, low payout slots
-low frequency, high payout slots
In the first type, there is no huge (progressive) jackpot on offer, just your average selection of prizes that don't go up to crazy amounts.
This will result in a player having many more spins resulting in a win. The amounts that you win on the bigger prizes, will be smaller, but they do come around more often. This type of slot machine has a lower variance, which means that your money should last you longer, winning many smaller prizes along the way to keep you going.
The second type of slot machine lures you in with the temptation of a huge jackpot prize. Even though the long-term expected return on these machines is the same as the previous type, the prize distribution is hugely different. The large jackpot prize weighs heavily on the scale of expected return, but the chance of it hitting is extremely small. This results in a much higher variance on this type of machine. Usually your money will go down very fast, because the smaller prizes are less rewarding than on the other type of machine.
At the Diamond, the info screen says the player return at slots is set at 98.7%. This means that, on average, for every maximum bet of 2,500 chips, you expect to lose 32.5 chips.
This might not seem like a lot, but the danger of slots is that the game is extremely fast. You can spin about once every 6 seconds, which would result in an expected LOSS of about 20,000 chips per hour of playing.
But again, in this long-term expected number, the large jackpot awards are also factored in, and as long as you don't hit those big prizes, you'll see your money go down a lot faster.
In any case, thank heavens the max bet is only set at 2,500, or else we would see more players go bankrupt at alarming rates.
Optimal strategy for slots:
There is none. Because after betting, you have no more influence over the outcome. The only choices you have, is what type of machine you want to play at, and how much money you are going to risk. And those are all personal preference. As long as you stick to your loss limits, as discussed above, there's no harm in having a go every once in a while, hoping to get a lucky hit. Just realize that you don't have a high chance of scoring a big win, so as soon as you do, get up and walk away.
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5) Roulette
Roulette is also a game where you have no influence over the outcome. There is zero skill involved. You place your bet, and that's it.
In traditional French roulette, a table has only the single-zero, but of course, for American casinos that wasn't enough of a house edge, so they simply doubled their profits by adding a second zero. The house edge was increased from 1/37 to 1/19, which is huge.
This makes playing on a double-zero roulette table by definition a sucker's play.
The payouts scale evenly, which means that a bet on a single number, and a bet on half of the numbers, and everything in between, yields the same expected return. The only difference, again, being the variance that you are willing to subject yourself to.
The player return for double-zero Roulette for all bets is 94.74%.
Except for the 5-number bet, which can only be made by placing a bet on the two top rows that contain 0, 00, 1, 2 and 3. The expected return on this bet is lower: 92.1%. This is because it only pays out 6-1. Why? Well, the number 36 isn't divisible by 5, so the greedy people that came up with double-zero Roulette had to round it off someway, and as expected, it wasn't going to be in the players' favor.Just remember that that 5-number bet is the worst bet at the table, and should be avoided. All other possible bets have the same expected return.
So it really doesn't matter how you spread your bets, if you bet only one chip, or if you litter the entire table with a bucketload of chips. Each chip you put out there, has the same expected return, so there is no strategy that will improve your long-term results.
Assuming that you're betting the maximum table amount of 50,000 chips, you will be looking at an expected loss of about 2,630 chips per spin. Considering that a round takes about 45 seconds to complete, your expected LOSS at the GTA Roulette tables will be around 200,000 chips per hour of playing.
Optimal strategy for double-zero roulette:
Stay away. Stay far away.
​
4) Three Card Poker
With Three Card Poker, we come across the first game where there is actually some strategy involved. You get to look at your cards, and then decide if you want to fold, and surrender your ante, or double your bet.
Additionally, you can choose to place a side bet on "Pair Plus", which offers progressive payouts.
There are some websites out there that ran all the numbers with computer simulations, and even though I would like to quote the source here, these websites are understandably littered to the max with online casino ads, so that's why I have decided against doing that.
Optimal strategy for Three Card Poker:
For this game you only have to remember one strategy rule: Always bet on any high card queen-six-four or better, and fold any high card queen-six-three or lower. That's it. Just don't forget to double check if you're not folding a straight or a flush, and you'll be fine.
This strategy will result in an expected return of 96.63%.
The Pair Plus sidebet, with the payout table that is used at the Diamond casino, gives you an expected return of 97.68%, which is actually a bit better than the main ante bet.
So by playing both wagers, you're reducing your expected losses per bet, but since you're betting more, you're also increasing your expected loss per hour.
My advice would obviously be to not play this game at all, but if you do, put as much of your bet as possible on the Pair Plus, while making our Ante bet as small as you can.
To be able to compare it to the other games at the Diamond, let's stay on that 50,000 maximum wager, meaning making your ante bet 35,000, and your pair plus bet 15,000, if the table would allow it.
This results in an expected loss of about 1,525 chips per hand, and with a round taking about 45 seconds, this adds up to an expected LOSS of around 120,000 chips per hour of playing. In comparison, if you would only play the ante bet for 50,000 per hand, you expect to lose 1,685 chips per hand, which means an expected LOSS of about 135,000 chips per hour. So the more out of that 50,000 wager you can put on the "Pair Plus" sidebet, the better.
Even though it may be fun to try out this game for a bit, since there's only one simple strategy rule to follow, you'll soon find yourself robotically grinding down your bankroll until it has vaporized. You're not missing out on anything if you skip these tables, there is no real challenge.
Just like with Roulette and Slots, if you want to try it out nonetheless, you can just bet the minimum amounts and only play for fun, so it won't matter if you win or lose.
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3) Blackjack
Blackjack is the most complicated game by far. Simply because the player has to make a series of decisions, which will largely decide the outcome. Luckily, there is such a thing as an optimal strategy, which will be outlined below.
However, the strategy is also dependent on the house rules. These not only affect your expected return, but in some places also your decisions.
Here are the house rules at the Diamond casino:
-The game uses 4 standard decks, and a continuous shuffle.
-Blackjack pays 3 to 2, dealer checks for early blackjack.
-No insurance offered, no surrender.
-Dealer stands on soft 17.
-Double down on any two cards.
-Player can split only once, but doubling after split is allowed.
-Seven-Card Charlie.
Under these rules, and following the "basic strategy" chart, your expected return at Blackjack is a shade under 99.6%, which is extremely good for a casino game, that's why Blackjack should be your table game of choice.
But it comes at a price: you are going to have to memorize the relatively complicated strategy chart, or at least stick it to your monitor until you have it in your head. But in case you ever stumble into a real-life casino, you won't regret having this table memorized, so I would definitely advise you to work on that.
The strategy chart might look complicated at first, but you will be able to notice certain patterns. Your decisions are mainly based on the dealer's upcard, which is basically divided into a weak card (2 to 6), and a strong card (7 to ace).
When a dealer shows a strong card, you will be hitting more often with the risk of going bust, but when a dealer shows a weak card, you're not taking that risk, and you will be standing more, but also doubling and splitting more. You want to increase your bets when the odds are in your favor, and get out cheap when they're not.
But it also helps to take some time to think about why a certain advice is given. For example, why does it say that you always have to split two eights, even against an ace. Well, that's because two eights equals 16, which is the worst total you can have. It's better to split them up, and give yourself a chance of finding a 17, 18 or 19 with the next card. Once you see the logic in that, you'll have one less thing to memorize.
The playing advice in the basic strategy chart is a result of computer simulations that ran all possible outcomes against each other, and produced the most profitable decision for each situation. So you can't go wrong following it.
Optimal strategy for Blackjack with Seven-Card Charlie
The added house rule of Seven-Card Charlie, adds a small advantage for the player, and it does influence a few strategy decisions. For example, you might have a 14 with 6 cards, against the dealer's 5 upcard.
Normally this would be an automatic stand, but if you're only one card away from the Seven-Card Charlie, meaning an instant win for the player, regardless of the dealer's hand, it turns it into a hit.
Here's the most optimal strategy chart to follow for the Diamond Casino house rules: https://prnt.sc/olct6g
You'll see that two fives are missing from the chart, and that's because you never split them. You treat them as a regular 10. You also never split tens. Just stand on 20.
If you follow this strategy religiously, even with a maximum wager of 50,000 chips, you only expect to lose about 215 chips per hand, and with rounds taking about 30 seconds, that amounts to an expected LOSS of 26,000 chips per hour, which is only half a bet. A small price to pay for an hour of entertainment.
But since the expected return is so extremely close to 100%, you will see more positive short-term results than with other games. But obviously it can also swing the other way. Again, this is supposed to be the game where your money lasts you the longest, but always set your loss and win limits before you sit down. That rule simply always applies.
​
Still, even with optimal strategies applied, all these games are expected to lose you money in the long run. So betting any kind of large amounts is not advised. If you simply want to enjoy playing these games, there's nothing wrong with betting a minimal amount. Playing these games for a longer period of time will already cost you money anyway, since your daily property fees will still be charged while you're playing in the GTA casino. As long as you can play for fun, there's nothing wrong, but when you see yourself betting insane chunks of your entire bank balance to try to recoup some unfortunate losses, you're doing it wrong.
As the commercials in Britain all correctly say: when the fun stops, stop.
​
2) Virtual Horse Racing
Now onto the good stuff. I ran some numbers, and I believe Rockstar has made a mistake with the horse racing game. Because as it stands, and if I read the numbers correctly, this game is actually profitable for the player. You can actually make money with this, at least, until Rockstar figures out their mistake and patches it.
If anyone wants to jump into the math and double check this to make sure, please do so. I will add any corrections to this post. This is one of those "to good to be true" things, so I keep thinking that I might have overlooked something. So please verify it if you can.
The setup is this. There is a pool of 100 horses, each with their own attached payout. These are divided into 3 groups, ranked by their odds. From each group, 2 horses are randomly selected to provide a pool of six runners for you to bet on.
Now it's not an actual race you're looking at. You are looking at a raffle. This is important to realize.
Each horse gets awarded a certain number of raffle tickets. The favorites get awarded more tickets than the underdogs, and therefore, have a higher chance of winning.
If this distribution works like it does in the real-life casinos, then the raffle tickets are awarded according to the betting odds.
Example 1: imagine a race with 3 runners, all have 2/1 odds, representing a 33.3% chance of winning. (Because 2/1 means 2 AGAINST 1, so 3 total.) In this case, each horse gets one third of the raffle tickets, giving them an equal chance to win.
Example 2: imagine a race with 3 runners, one has 1/1 odds (or EVENS), representing a 50% chance of winning, and the other two horses are marked up as 3/1, with a 25% chance of winning. The favorite gets half the tickets, the other two get a quarter of the tickets each.
A ticket is drawn, and you'll have a winner.
It doesn't matter in this game which horse you bet on, because the expected return is always the same: 100% or break-even, for the above examples.
Now, what happens if the percentages don't exactly add up to 100%?
They must add up to 100%, because there will always be a winner. And only one winner.
So when this is the case, the actual winning chances of the horses are adjusted to meet the 100% requirement, using their payout odds to determine the scale.
So, if the represented percentages add up to more than 100%, the actual winning chances of the runners will be DECREASED, resulting in all bets becoming losing propositions for the players.
Example: In a 6-horse race, all runners are listed at 4/1, representing a 20% chance. Only with six runners that amounts to 120%. So all chances are scaled down by 1/6th, to end up at 100%.
This means your horse's chances are reduced from 20% to 16.67%, turning it into a losing bet: 5 times you will lose your bet, and 1 time you will win, but only get 4 bets back in this instance, instead of 5. A losing bet in the long run.
This is the type of odds that you find in regular casinos, with fields as large as 15 runners to bet on, where the assumed winning chances always add up to more than 100%, therefore are decreased for all runners, resulting in a house edge.
​
But in GTA Online's Inside Track, there are other scenarios, because of the small field, and the way that they are put together.
In some cases, the represented percentages when added up, are LESS than 100%, meaning that the actual winning chances of all runners, are INCREASED.
This creates profitable bets for the players, because in the long run, you're expecting to win more money than you lose. This is a gambler's dream, pure and simple.
So, according to the in-game information, the three groups of horses are divided as follows:
-Favorites: EVENS to 5-1
-Outsiders: 6-1 to 15-1
-Underdogs: 16-1 to 30-1
​
Let's take the two most extreme examples to show what's happening.
The worst possible field to bet on: two runners at EVENS, two runners at 6-1, and two runners at 16-1.
EVENS represents a 50% chance, 6-1 is 14.29%, and 16-1 is 5.88%. Add those up and you land on a total of 140.34%.
This means that the actual winning chances of the horses are decreased by 28.75% (to get that 140% down to 100%), which makes betting on this field extremely unwise.
A horse at EVENS will only come in as a winner 35.63% of the time, instead of 50%,
a horse at 6-1 will only win 10.18% of the time,
and an underdog at 16-1 will only win 4.19% of the time.
​
The expected return on a bet on any of the horses in this field is only 71.26%, so a maximum bet of 10,000 chips on any of these horses holds an expected LOSS of 2,875 chips.
These returns are the same, because the winning chances are scaled equally, according to the payout numbers. So it really doesn't matter which horse you bet on, in the long run, you expect the same results.
But as explained before, it does influence variance, and therefore your short-term result, which can swing both ways.
​
But now, the best possible field to bet on: two runners at 5-1, two runners at 15-1, and two runners at 30-1.
Odds at 5-1 represents a winning chance of 16.67%, 15-1 odds means 6.25% chance, and 30-1 odds means a 3.23% chance of winning. Add these six horses together, and you only get 52.285%.
This means that, to get from 52% to 100%, the actual winning chances of these horses will be almost doubled! Multiplied by 1.91 to be exact.
So the 5-1 favorites will now win 31.88% of the time, instead of 16.67%,
the 15-1 runners will win 11.95% of the time,
and the underdogs at 30-1 odds will still win 6.17% of the time.
When betting on this field, the expected return on your bet is 191.25%!
This means that a max bet of 10,000 chips will result in an expected PROFIT of 9,125 chips.
This is printing money, if there ever was such a thing.
Optimal strategy for Virtual Horse racing
So all you have to do, is only bet high on the games where you have an expected positive return, and bet the absolute minimum on the games where your expected return is negative. Or back out of the racing game to refresh the field.
If you don't have a way to quickly add up all the percentages, and until somebody shows up here with a neatly formatted table, just use a few general rules of thumb:
-Always bet the maximum on a race with favorites at 2/1 and 3/1 or higher in it.
-Simply skip all races with two favorites at EVENS in it, and at EVENS and 2/1. Or bet the minimum, if you can't skip or refresh the field.
-To decide if you should play races with other favorite combinations EVENS and 3/1, EVENS and 4/1, EVENS and 5/1, or two favorites at 2/1, the payouts on the other four runners determine whether or not it's profitable to play them. The results of betting on these fields vary from an expected 1,330 chip loss (worst-case) to an expected 1,680 chip win (best-case), with a max bet of 10,000 chips.
But if you're not looking for another strategy chart, you might just want to skip these borderline cases, and just cherry pick the best ones, which are easy to recognize, and with which you can never go wrong.
It's difficult to put a number on an expected win-rate, because it all depends on which fields you get presented with, but it's not unreasonable to state that you can maintain a steady win-rate of around 200,000 chips per hour, with about 50 seconds per race.
Remember, you're not trying to win every race. You're trying to win the most money per hour. So don't sweat it when you bet on a 4/1 favorite, and lose a couple of races in a row. It will still be more profitable in the long run. You have the math on your side.
To reduce negative variance, always bet on the favorite, when betting on profitable fields. We're not gambling anymore, we're grinding out a steady profit. We want to keep the swings to a minimum.
I contacted Rockstar support to verify if this is indeed how it works, but the only reply I got after 6 weeks is that they were "looking into it".
User u/Garsant made a useful Excel-worksheet, available for you to download, where you can quickly type in the payouts on the horses, to see if it produces a profitable bet or not. You can find it in his post here: https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/ekp8na/gta_online_inside_track_odd_calculato
​
1) Wheel of Fortune
The number one profitable casino game in GTA Online is obviously the Wheel of Fortune, because it costs you nothing to play.
Unfortunately, you only get one free spin per day, but it holds great value, so make sure you do it.
With a chance to win a super car, vehicle discounts, expensive mystery prizes (which also can be vehicles), and a lot of cash and chips, the expected return on a single spin is around $100,000 in value.
So don't forget your daily spin, it's definitely worth your time.
​
2020 Update:
As of the Diamond Casino Heist update, the Inside Track horse racing is confirmed to still be as profitable as outlined above.The only thing that seems to be changed, is that you can't refresh the field anymore by backing out of the screen. This does affect your hourly rate in a negative way, but does not change the fact that this game has a huge positive expected return, and should be your go-to when you're trying to take money from the house, without having Lester's nagging voice in your ear. That should also be worth something.
​
And with that, I conclude my 5,000 word essay on gambling in GTA. Questions, comments, feel free to add your input to this guide.
​
Cliffs:
-Gambling games should only be played for fun, not for big money. You should expect to lose in the long run. The house always wins.
-A casino game doesn't have a memory, and betting systems don't work.
-Set your limits before you start, how much you are willing to lose or win, and then walk away when you get there.
-Don't play slots, roulette, or three card poker.
-Only play blackjack following a basic strategy chart (https://prnt.sc/olct6g).
-Inside Track betting can be played profitably, if you only bet on fields WITHOUT a heavy favorite.
-Wheel of Fortune is always your best bet, because it's a free bet.

This is not mine, the creator of this is u/enderpiet
​
Since the Diamond Casino update, I have seen a large number of 12-year-olds posting Blackjack memes on this sub. As a parent, this has me very worried.
On top of that, I have seen some of the most trustworthy GTA Youtubers giving flawed gambling advice, which can have damaging impact on their gullible audiences.
So that's why I decided to write this up, to educate everyone on the subject, so there will be no more misunderstandings.
(2020 Update down at the bottom.)
If you're one of those Youtubers that wants to use this information in a video, feel free to do so. The more people (especially kids) that become educated about gambling, the better.
But then also please go back and review your own work, and delete or edit the videos that are giving out the wrong advice, like where you're saying you have "a good strategy for making money with roulette", or some other nonsense that I've heard this week. Delete that please.
Before I get into the individual games, I need to discuss a few concepts first, that will make understanding the rest a lot easier.
Expected return and variance
A game like Roulette or Slots has a fixed expected return on your bets. This is a percentage that you have no way of influencing. Say you are flipping a coin against a friend, and you both put up $1. The winner gets the pot. Since the odds are even at 50%, in the long run, you will expect to break even. Your expected return is 100% of your bet.
But imagine if you would play this coin flipping game in a casino against the house. On the "house rules" listed at the table they would probably say that you would only get 95 cents back for every win, while you are forfeiting a dollar on every loss. Would you still play?
Sounds stupid to do so, but still, everybody does it. Every bet they place on Roulette, every coin they put into a Slot machine, is based on the same concept.
Those few cents they take on every bet are their profit margin, and has paid for all the Vegas lights, the Mirage volcanoes, and the Bellagio fountains. Make no mistake - casino gambling games are not designed to make you lose, because sure, you can get lucky on a single night, but they are designed to make them win. That's the beauty of it. They can both exist at the same time.
Too many people that don't see how this works, are just destined for disaster. Just because you went on a lucky streak and won 8 games out of 10, does not mean that flipping coins is a profitable game, or that choosing tails is a winning strategy. Always be aware of the house edge, your true chances of winning, and just realize that you got lucky. There is no such thing as a strategy in flipping a coin that will give you a higher expected return, so it's just pure gambling, just like Slots and Roulette.
Most casino games are made in such a way, that your expected return is a little under 100%. This means that from every dollar bet at the tables, the casino expects to keep a few cents. For individual players, results may vary. Some will win, most will lose. But for the house, it doesn't matter. They take millions of bets each day, so for them, the expected average works out a lot sooner. In short: the house always wins.
When looking at the house edge, we're talking about the expected long-term result, based on the game's house rules. But for a player, it can take literally tens of thousands of hands or spins before you also reach this average number. Until that time, you can experience huge upswings and downswings, that are the result of nothing but short-term luck, which is called variance.
Some games and some bets have a much higher variance than others, which means your actual results will differ enormously from what you're expected to be at.
Take for example betting on red/black at the Roulette table. This is a low-variance proposition, because it has a high percentage chance of occurring, and a low payout.
Contrast this with betting single numbers in Roulette, which only win once every 38 spins on average. This bet has a much higher variance, meaning you can easily hit a dry spell, and not hit anything for 200 bets in a row, or you can see a single number hit three times in five consecutive spins. This is not a freak occurrence in high-variance bets.
Even though the expected return in both these bets is exactly the same, there's a huge difference in variance, causing massive differences in short-term results, which can go both ways. You need to be aware of this, before you decide what types of bets you are comfortable with placing.
Gamblers' Fallacy
Another thing to realize, is that each individual game, hand, or spin, is completely independent from the one(s) before it, and after it.
Gamblers tend to believe, that the chance of a certain outcome is increased, based on previous results.
The most famous example comes from the Casino de Monte Carlo, where the Roulette wheel managed to land on black 26 times in a row. Gamblers lost many millions during that streak, all frantically betting on red, believing that the odds were in favor of the wheel coming out on red, after producing so many blacks. This is not true. Each round is completely independent, and the odds are exactly the same.
You will hear people say things like a Blackjack table being "hot" or "cold", which is completely superstitious, and should be ignored. The exception was when Blackjack was being dealt from a shoe. It made card counting possible. But with the introduction of shuffle machines, and continuous shuffling like is being used in GTA, this no longer exists.
This is also why "chasing your losses" is a very bad idea. After being on a losing streak for some time, many gamblers believe that now it's their turn to start winning. So they will often increase their bet size, believing that when their predicted winning streak comes around, they will win back their losses, and more.
The reality of it, more often than not, is that people will indeed start playing higher and higher limits, until they are completely broke. Nobody is ever "due for a win". There is never a guarantee that you're about to start winning. In fact, the opposite is more likely to be true. You are, after all, in a casino.
Betting systems
Some people like to think that they have a fool-proof betting system, like the Martingale system. Simply increase or even double your bet when you lose, and keep doing that until you win. In theory, this system will always win. So that's why table limits were introduced, and where the system fails.
If you start at the Roulette table, playing red/black, with a small 750 chip wager, and just double your bet every time you lose, you only have to lose 6 times in a row, before you will be betting the table limit of 48,000, just to get that 750 chip profit.
Sure, you can go on all evening without this happening, winning 750 chips each time, but this losing streak only has to happen once, and you're bust. Any betting system like this is ill-advised, because you are hugely increasing your so-called "risk of ruin", and that's what we were trying to avoid.
And even if your starting bet is only 100 chips, after only nine straight losses, and nine doubled bets, you are betting the table limit at 50,000 chips. If you lose that bet, you're 100,000 chips in the hole, with no way to recover that with your 100 chip base wager.
So don't believe anyone that says this is the perfect system to always win in the casino. Sooner or later they will understand why they were wrong, when they're asking you for a loan.
Set your limits BEFORE you start playing
One final point before we get into the games, a general tip for people that head out to play: money management.
Just like in real life, before you go to the casino, decide on a maximum amount that you are WILLING TO LOSE.
Bet small enough, so that amount can last you through the entire evening, and you will not be tempted to run to the ATM to continue playing.
Considering GTA money, some people will be comfortable losing 1% of their GTA bank balance, some people will be comfortable with gambling away 5% of their total GTA savings. It's up to you what you can handle. Decide for yourself where it will start to hurt, and don't cross that line.
But whatever number you decide on, as soon as you lost that amount, get up and walk away. Don't chase your losses, stick to your limits, and accept that this has not been your day. There is always another game tomorrow. Always agree with yourself on a simple stop-loss rule, how much you would want to lose at most, and simply stop playing when you get there.
Same goes for winning. You can decide on a number, how much profit you would like to take away from the casino. You can go on a hot streak and be up half a million in a short period of time, but if you would continue to play longer, looking for more, chances are that you're going to lose it all back.
Most people are happy with doubling their daily casino budget, for example. Others are looking for 10 bets profit in Blackjack. Whatever you choose, when you hit that number, you can stop playing and bank your profits, or you can continue playing if you're still enjoying the games, but then only just play minimum bet sizes. Then you're just playing for fun, not for money. You've already made your profit, so simply keep it in your pocket, and don't risk losing it again.
Either way, decide on what your money management strategy will be, and STICK TO IT.
Casino games in GTA Online
Now, I'm going to dive into the games that you can find at the Diamond casino, ordered from worst to best.
6) Slots
Generally the rule is this: the less strategy a game has, the worse it is for the player. And with slots, this is definitely the case.
The only influence you have, is choosing what type of machine you're going to play. Basically, there are two types of slot machines:
-high frequency, low payout slots
-low frequency, high payout slots
In the first type, there is no huge (progressive) jackpot on offer, just your average selection of prizes that don't go up to crazy amounts.
This will result in a player having many more spins resulting in a win. The amounts that you win on the bigger prizes, will be smaller, but they do come around more often. This type of slot machine has a lower variance, which means that your money should last you longer, winning many smaller prizes along the way to keep you going.
The second type of slot machine lures you in with the temptation of a huge jackpot prize. Even though the long-term expected return on these machines is the same as the previous type, the prize distribution is hugely different. The large jackpot prize weighs heavily on the scale of expected return, but the chance of it hitting is extremely small. This results in a much higher variance on this type of machine. Usually your money will go down very fast, because the smaller prizes are less rewarding than on the other type of machine.
At the Diamond, the info screen says the player return at slots is set at 98.7%. This means that, on average, for every maximum bet of 2,500 chips, you expect to lose 32.5 chips.
This might not seem like a lot, but the danger of slots is that the game is extremely fast. You can spin about once every 6 seconds, which would result in an expected LOSS of about 20,000 chips per hour of playing.
But again, in this long-term expected number, the large jackpot awards are also factored in, and as long as you don't hit those big prizes, you'll see your money go down a lot faster.
In any case, thank heavens the max bet is only set at 2,500, or else we would see more players go bankrupt at alarming rates.
Optimal strategy for slots:
There is none. Because after betting, you have no more influence over the outcome. The only choices you have, is what type of machine you want to play at, and how much money you are going to risk. And those are all personal preference. As long as you stick to your loss limits, as discussed above, there's no harm in having a go every once in a while, hoping to get a lucky hit. Just realize that you don't have a high chance of scoring a big win, so as soon as you do, get up and walk away.
5) Roulette
Roulette is also a game where you have no influence over the outcome. There is zero skill involved. You place your bet, and that's it.
In traditional French roulette, a table has only the single-zero, but of course, for American casinos that wasn't enough of a house edge, so they simply doubled their profits by adding a second zero. The house edge was increased from 1/37 to 1/19, which is huge.
This makes playing on a double-zero roulette table by definition a sucker's play.
The payouts scale evenly, which means that a bet on a single number, and a bet on half of the numbers, and everything in between, yields the same expected return. The only difference, again, being the variance that you are willing to subject yourself to.
The player return for double-zero Roulette for all bets is 94.74%.
Except for the 5-number bet, which can only be made by placing a bet on the two top rows that contain 0, 00, 1, 2 and 3. The expected return on this bet is lower: 92.1%. This is because it only pays out 6-1. Why? Well, the number 36 isn't divisible by 5, so the greedy people that came up with double-zero Roulette had to round it off someway, and as expected, it wasn't going to be in the players' favor.Just remember that that 5-number bet is the worst bet at the table, and should be avoided. All other possible bets have the same expected return.
So it really doesn't matter how you spread your bets, if you bet only one chip, or if you litter the entire table with a bucketload of chips. Each chip you put out there, has the same expected return, so there is no strategy that will improve your long-term results.
Assuming that you're betting the maximum table amount of 50,000 chips, you will be looking at an expected loss of about 2,630 chips per spin. Considering that a round takes about 45 seconds to complete, your expected LOSS at the GTA Roulette tables will be around 200,000 chips per hour of playing.
Optimal strategy for double-zero roulette:
Stay away. Stay far away.
4) Three Card Poker
With Three Card Poker, we come across the first game where there is actually some strategy involved. You get to look at your cards, and then decide if you want to fold, and surrender your ante, or double your bet.
Additionally, you can choose to place a side bet on "Pair Plus", which offers progressive payouts.
There are some websites out there that ran all the numbers with computer simulations, and even though I would like to quote the source here, these websites are understandably littered to the max with online casino ads, so that's why I have decided against doing that.
Optimal strategy for Three Card Poker:
For this game you only have to remember one strategy rule: Always bet on any high card queen-six-four or better, and fold any high card queen-six-three or lower. That's it. Just don't forget to double check if you're not folding a straight or a flush, and you'll be fine.
This strategy will result in an expected return of 96.63%.
The Pair Plus sidebet, with the payout table that is used at the Diamond casino, gives you an expected return of 97.68%, which is actually a bit better than the main ante bet.
So by playing both wagers, you're reducing your expected losses per bet, but since you're betting more, you're also increasing your expected loss per hour.
My advice would obviously be to not play this game at all, but if you do, put as much of your bet as possible on the Pair Plus, while making our Ante bet as small as you can.
To be able to compare it to the other games at the Diamond, let's stay on that 50,000 maximum wager, meaning making your ante bet 35,000, and your pair plus bet 15,000, if the table would allow it.
This results in an expected loss of about 1,525 chips per hand, and with a round taking about 45 seconds, this adds up to an expected LOSS of around 120,000 chips per hour of playing. In comparison, if you would only play the ante bet for 50,000 per hand, you expect to lose 1,685 chips per hand, which means an expected LOSS of about 135,000 chips per hour. So the more out of that 50,000 wager you can put on the "Pair Plus" sidebet, the better.
Even though it may be fun to try out this game for a bit, since there's only one simple strategy rule to follow, you'll soon find yourself robotically grinding down your bankroll until it has vaporized. You're not missing out on anything if you skip these tables, there is no real challenge.
Just like with Roulette and Slots, if you want to try it out nonetheless, you can just bet the minimum amounts and only play for fun, so it won't matter if you win or lose.
3) Blackjack
Blackjack is the most complicated game by far. Simply because the player has to make a series of decisions, which will largely decide the outcome. Luckily, there is such a thing as an optimal strategy, which will be outlined below.
However, the strategy is also dependent on the house rules. These not only affect your expected return, but in some places also your decisions.
Here are the house rules at the Diamond casino:
-The game uses 4 standard decks, and a continuous shuffle.
-Blackjack pays 3 to 2, dealer checks for early blackjack.
-No insurance offered, no surrender.
-Dealer stands on soft 17.
-Double down on any two cards.
-Player can split only once, but doubling after split is allowed.
-Seven-Card Charlie.
Under these rules, and following the "basic strategy" chart, your expected return at Blackjack is a shade under 99.6%, which is extremely good for a casino game, that's why Blackjack should be your table game of choice.
But it comes at a price: you are going to have to memorize the relatively complicated strategy chart, or at least stick it to your monitor until you have it in your head. But in case you ever stumble into a real-life casino, you won't regret having this table memorized, so I would definitely advise you to work on that.
The strategy chart might look complicated at first, but you will be able to notice certain patterns. Your decisions are mainly based on the dealer's upcard, which is basically divided into a weak card (2 to 6), and a strong card (7 to ace).
When a dealer shows a strong card, you will be hitting more often with the risk of going bust, but when a dealer shows a weak card, you're not taking that risk, and you will be standing more, but also doubling and splitting more. You want to increase your bets when the odds are in your favor, and get out cheap when they're not.
But it also helps to take some time to think about why a certain advice is given. For example, why does it say that you always have to split two eights, even against an ace. Well, that's because two eights equals 16, which is the worst total you can have. It's better to split them up, and give yourself a chance of finding a 17, 18 or 19 with the next card. Once you see the logic in that, you'll have one less thing to memorize.
The playing advice in the basic strategy chart is a result of computer simulations that ran all possible outcomes against each other, and produced the most profitable decision for each situation. So you can't go wrong following it.
Optimal strategy for Blackjack with Seven-Card Charlie
The added house rule of Seven-Card Charlie, adds a small advantage for the player, and it does influence a few strategy decisions. For example, you might have a 14 with 6 cards, against the dealer's 5 upcard.
Normally this would be an automatic stand, but if you're only one card away from the Seven-Card Charlie, meaning an instant win for the player, regardless of the dealer's hand, it turns it into a hit.
Here's the most optimal strategy chart to follow for the Diamond Casino house rules:https://prnt.sc/olct6g
You'll see that two fives are missing from the chart, and that's because you never split them. You treat them as a regular 10. You also never split tens. Just stand on 20.
If you follow this strategy religiously, even with a maximum wager of 50,000 chips, you only expect to lose about 215 chips per hand, and with rounds taking about 30 seconds, that amounts to an expected LOSS of 26,000 chips per hour, which is only half a bet. A small price to pay for an hour of entertainment.
But since the expected return is so extremely close to 100%, you will see more positive short-term results than with other games. But obviously it can also swing the other way. Again, this is supposed to be the game where your money lasts you the longest, but always set your loss and win limits before you sit down. That rule simply always applies.
Still, even with optimal strategies applied, all these games are expected to lose you money in the long run. So betting any kind of large amounts is not advised. If you simply want to enjoy playing these games, there's nothing wrong with betting a minimal amount. Playing these games for a longer period of time will already cost you money anyway, since your daily property fees will still be charged while you're playing in the GTA casino. As long as you can play for fun, there's nothing wrong, but when you see yourself betting insane chunks of your entire bank balance to try to recoup some unfortunate losses, you're doing it wrong.
As the commercials in Britain all correctly say: when the fun stops, stop.
2) Virtual Horse Racing
Now onto the good stuff. I ran some numbers, and I believe Rockstar has made a mistake with the horse racing game. Because as it stands, and if I read the numbers correctly, this game is actually profitable for the player. You can actually make money with this, at least, until Rockstar figures out their mistake and patches it.
If anyone wants to jump into the math and double check this to make sure, please do so. I will add any corrections to this post. This is one of those "to good to be true" things, so I keep thinking that I might have overlooked something. So please verify it if you can.
The setup is this. There is a pool of 100 horses, each with their own attached payout. These are divided into 3 groups, ranked by their odds. From each group, 2 horses are randomly selected to provide a pool of six runners for you to bet on.
Now it's not an actual race you're looking at. You are looking at a raffle. This is important to realize.
Each horse gets awarded a certain number of raffle tickets. The favorites get awarded more tickets than the underdogs, and therefore, have a higher chance of winning.
If this distribution works like it does in the real-life casinos, then the raffle tickets are awarded according to the betting odds.
Example 1: imagine a race with 3 runners, all have 2/1 odds, representing a 33.3% chance of winning. (Because 2/1 means 2 AGAINST 1, so 3 total.) In this case, each horse gets one third of the raffle tickets, giving them an equal chance to win.
Example 2: imagine a race with 3 runners, one has 1/1 odds (or EVENS), representing a 50% chance of winning, and the other two horses are marked up as 3/1, with a 25% chance of winning. The favorite gets half the tickets, the other two get a quarter of the tickets each.
A ticket is drawn, and you'll have a winner.
It doesn't matter in this game which horse you bet on, because the expected return is always the same: 100% or break-even, for the above examples.
Now, what happens if the percentages don't exactly add up to 100%?
They must add up to 100%, because there will always be a winner. And only one winner.
So when this is the case, the actual winning chances of the horses are adjusted to meet the 100% requirement, using their payout odds to determine the scale.
So, if the represented percentages add up to more than 100%, the actual winning chances of the runners will be DECREASED, resulting in all bets becoming losing propositions for the players.
Example: In a 6-horse race, all runners are listed at 4/1, representing a 20% chance. Only with six runners that amounts to 120%. So all chances are scaled down by 1/6th, to end up at 100%.
This means your horse's chances are reduced from 20% to 16.67%, turning it into a losing bet: 5 times you will lose your bet, and 1 time you will win, but only get 4 bets back in this instance, instead of 5. A losing bet in the long run.
This is the type of odds that you find in regular casinos, with fields as large as 15 runners to bet on, where the assumed winning chances always add up to more than 100%, therefore are decreased for all runners, resulting in a house edge.
But in GTA Online's Inside Track, there are other scenarios, because of the small field, and the way that they are put together.
In some cases, the represented percentages when added up, are LESS than 100%, meaning that the actual winning chances of all runners, are INCREASED.
This creates profitable bets for the players, because in the long run, you're expecting to win more money than you lose. This is a gambler's dream, pure and simple.
So, according to the in-game information, the three groups of horses are divided as follows:
-Favorites: EVENS to 5-1
-Outsiders: 6-1 to 15-1
-Underdogs: 16-1 to 30-1
Let's take the two most extreme examples to show what's happening.
The worst possible field to bet on: two runners at EVENS, two runners at 6-1, and two runners at 16-1.
EVENS represents a 50% chance, 6-1 is 14.29%, and 16-1 is 5.88%. Add those up and you land on a total of 140.34%.
This means that the actual winning chances of the horses are decreased by 28.75% (to get that 140% down to 100%), which makes betting on this field extremely unwise.
A horse at EVENS will only come in as a winner 35.63% of the time, instead of 50%,
a horse at 6-1 will only win 10.18% of the time,
and an underdog at 16-1 will only win 4.19% of the time.
The expected return on a bet on any of the horses in this field is only 71.26%, so a maximum bet of 10,000 chips on any of these horses holds an expected LOSS of 2,875 chips.
These returns are the same, because the winning chances are scaled equally, according to the payout numbers. So it really doesn't matter which horse you bet on, in the long run, you expect the same results.
But as explained before, it does influence variance, and therefore your short-term result, which can swing both ways.
But now, the best possible field to bet on: two runners at 5-1, two runners at 15-1, and two runners at 30-1.
Odds at 5-1 represents a winning chance of 16.67%, 15-1 odds means 6.25% chance, and 30-1 odds means a 3.23% chance of winning. Add these six horses together, and you only get 52.285%.
This means that, to get from 52% to 100%, the actual winning chances of these horses will be almost doubled! Multiplied by 1.91 to be exact.
So the 5-1 favorites will now win 31.88% of the time, instead of 16.67%,
the 15-1 runners will win 11.95% of the time,
and the underdogs at 30-1 odds will still win 6.17% of the time.
When betting on this field, the expected return on your bet is 191.25%!
This means that a max bet of 10,000 chips will result in an expected PROFIT of 9,125 chips.
This is printing money, if there ever was such a thing.
Optimal strategy for Virtual Horse racing
So all you have to do, is only bet high on the games where you have an expected positive return, and bet the absolute minimum on the games where your expected return is negative. Or back out of the racing game to refresh the field.
If you don't have a way to quickly add up all the percentages, and until somebody shows up here with a neatly formatted table, just use a few general rules of thumb:
-Always bet the maximum on a race with favorites at 2/1 and 3/1 or higher in it.
-Simply skip all races with two favorites at EVENS in it, and at EVENS and 2/1. Or bet the minimum, if you can't skip or refresh the field.
-To decide if you should play races with other favorite combinations EVENS and 3/1, EVENS and 4/1, EVENS and 5/1, or two favorites at 2/1, the payouts on the other four runners determine whether or not it's profitable to play them. The results of betting on these fields vary from an expected 1,330 chip loss (worst-case) to an expected 1,680 chip win (best-case), with a max bet of 10,000 chips.
But if you're not looking for another strategy chart, you might just want to skip these borderline cases, and just cherry pick the best ones, which are easy to recognize, and with which you can never go wrong.
It's difficult to put a number on an expected win-rate, because it all depends on which fields you get presented with, but it's not unreasonable to state that you can maintain a steady win-rate of around 200,000 chips per hour, with about 50 seconds per race.
Remember, you're not trying to win every race. You're trying to win the most money per hour. So don't sweat it when you bet on a 4/1 favorite, and lose a couple of races in a row. It will still be more profitable in the long run. You have the math on your side.
To reduce negative variance, always bet on the favorite, when betting on profitable fields. We're not gambling anymore, we're grinding out a steady profit. We want to keep the swings to a minimum.
I contacted Rockstar support to verify if this is indeed how it works, but the only reply I got after 6 weeks is that they were "looking into it".
User u/Garsant made a useful Excel-worksheet, available for you to download, where you can quickly type in the payouts on the horses, to see if it produces a profitable bet or not. You can find it in his post here: https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/ekp8na/gta_online_inside_track_odd_calculato
1) Wheel of Fortune
The number one profitable casino game in GTA Online is obviously the Wheel of Fortune, because it costs you nothing to play.
Unfortunately, you only get one free spin per day, but it holds great value, so make sure you do it.
With a chance to win a super car, vehicle discounts, expensive mystery prizes (which also can be vehicles), and a lot of cash and chips, the expected return on a single spin is around $100,000 in value.
So don't forget your daily spin, it's definitely worth your time.
2020 Update:
As of the Diamond Casino Heist update, the Inside Track horse racing is confirmed to still be as profitable as outlined above.The only thing that seems to be changed, is that you can't refresh the field anymore by backing out of the screen. This does affect your hourly rate in a negative way, but does not change the fact that this game has a huge positive expected return, and should be your go-to when you're trying to take money from the house, without having Lester's nagging voice in your ear. That should also be worth something.
And with that, I conclude my 5,000 word essay on gambling in GTA. Questions, comments, feel free to add your input to this guide.
Cliffs:
-Gambling games should only be played for fun, not for big money. You should expect to lose in the long run. The house always wins.
-A casino game doesn't have a memory, and betting systems don't work.
-Set your limits before you start, how much you are willing to lose or win, and then walk away when you get there.
-Don't play slots, roulette, or three card poker.
-Only play blackjack following a basic strategy chart (https://prnt.sc/olct6g).
-Inside Track betting can be played profitably, if you only bet on fields WITHOUT a heavy favorite.
-Wheel of Fortune is always your best bet, because it's a free bet.

Continuing
I’m sitting in the dark, fuming, wondering what the hell that was all about.
I still have my drink and cigar and I’m employing them in their proper offices. This is right before I light the newspaper on fire for a bit of light.
Sr. Majordomo appears out of the gloom with a lit 7-stick candelabra.
“Sorry, Suh”, He says in the hoity-toity British butler accent, “Bit of a bother. Seems the electrical substation down the road exploded again. No worries. Happens all the time. We’ll be fine once the emergency generator kicks in.”
And, as if by magic, all the lights come on again.
“Why, thank you, Jeeves”, I say as he nods and departs.
Now…where was I? Ah…fuck. UREE’s down 2⅝’s.
The next morning, down at breakfast…
“Weeeell. Good morning, bright eyes! How we feeling this fine day?” I ask Sanjay as he slopes into the Raj’s breakfast nook.
He looks at me through what appears to be two baseballs composed of very lean bacon.
“…fine…how are you?” he asks.
“Me? I’m in fine fettle. I’ve never felt fettler. I’m still breathing, I have all my appendages, such as it is, and still a spotless record.” I reply cheerily.
“How? How…can you? How…do you?” he asks, wearily.
“Years of intensive practice, m’lad.”, I smile, “Here’s something hot, wet, and black. Drink up, it’s going to be a busy day, Bucko.”
“erf.”
Sanjay is appreciative for the Greenland coffee. Somehow he’s developed a taste for the stuff.
I ask the attending butler for my specialty breakfast: a grilled bagelwich breakfast panini.
That’s a smashed, over-hard cooked egg, stinky French foot cheese, sliced ham, red onion, Siriaca mayo, sliced red capsicum, hot Giardiniera, and neon-green pickle relish on grilled, buttered garlic bagel.
Yum.
Sanjay looks at me through crimson-tinted eyes over his steaming soupçon.
“You’re not human.” He sighs, shaking his head.
“Nope. Never claimed to be. I’m an EtOH-fueled carbon-based lifeform. Take me to your larder!” I guffaw.
Sanjay groans into his morning mug.
Sanjay feels better after he slurps down some coffee and has his morning repast of gnarly looking gruel, Masala oats he tells me. A bit of tatte idli with coconut chutney. A couple of slices of bacon, akki rotti and chutney, some more coffee and he’s looking almost human again.
I grab the morning edition and head to the reading room.
“Call our driver, Sanj, if you would. Give me ten minutes and we’ll roll. First day of school and all that.”
Sanjay gives me the high sign and we rendezvous a bit later in the basement waiting for our ride. I go to fire up a breakfast cigar; a nice, light little Dutch dry-cured.
Sanjay looks at me like a flogged puppy; the whole big soulful eyes routine.
OK, fine. I’ll save that for later.
We arrive at the Barn, or Outbuilding #2, at 0705. The crew will arrive at 0800, and I’ve already got the day planned. I tell Sanjay I’ll be outside having a smoke. He wants to brush up on the day’s activities and bids me a hearty “don’t let the door hit you in the ass.”
Nice.
I’m sitting out in the bright, still morning sun when a tap-tap approaches.
“Dr. Rocknocker?” he asks.
“Sure am”. I reply.
“Please come with me.” he requests.
“Why? Where we going?” I reply.
“Headquarters. There is a request there for you.” He says.
This is odd. They could have called me directly. They could have called Sanjay.
“Oh, well”, I think aloud, “Whatever. When in Alang…”
I get in the tippy little machine and away we race at breakneck speed toward the main building complex.
I tip my driver and wander into the reception area.
The receptionist doesn’t even look up as I enter. She merely points to the boardroom.
“There.” was all she said.
“Thanks.” was my reply.
I trooped over to the boardroom. I look inside after I yank the door open, unannounced. It’s a full house. Standing room only.
I am immediately asked to take a newly vacated seat at the head of the table.
“Coffee, if you please, black”, I reply to the tea boy de jure’s inquiry.
I’m sipping my coffee and the room, previously abuzz with Hindi, goes deathly silent.
“Doctor”, one grizzled old Indian chap says, the Chairman I find out later, “We are pleased you were not injured in yesterday’s activities.”
“I’m rather pleased not to have been killed as well. Thanks, gents” I reply.
“We are also very pleased that none of our young people you recruited were maimed or harmed as well”, he said a shade more darkly.
“OK, I see where this is headed”, I thought to myself.
“Yeah. Ain’t that something?”, I said, gruffly. “Amazing that I could take a squadron of grass-green recruits and defuse a 9-ton company fuckup without so much as a bloody nose. I must really be good. Thank you for the compliment. Wait until you see my bill.”
“That’s just the thing, Doctor…” he continued.
“Yes?” I awaited the inevitable.
“Your methods are…so irregular. So…unorthodox. We are uncertain. That is to say, we are not convinced that you..” he tried to continue before I cut him off.
“Ah, hold the phone, Goodgulf,” I said as I pulled out Emergency Flask #2 and a new Oscuro cigar. “Have you indeed personally read my contract for this little soiree that you’ve invited me to attend?”
“Well, read…no. Skimmed…?”, he choked a bit.
“Ok, Scooter, here’s the deal.” I said to the Chairman, “You’ve got something sticking in your craw. So spill it. I’m not moving from this seat until we get a few issues vodka clear.”
I swore as I lit my new cigar.
There were a few gasps and coughs from the crowd. I blew a large blue smoke ring skyward toward the fluorescent lights.
“Well, Doctor.” One of the other board members continued, “Your contract was for training and teaching our young men in the use of explosives in shipbreaking. It’s been now three days and you haven’t broken a single ship…” he stammered.
“You fuckin’ with me, Bub?” I asked, incredulous, “Do you not know of yesterday’s little field activities?”
“Oh, yes”, he tried to continue, “But we believe you overstepped the strict bounds of your contract…”
“OK. Fine. You believe that all you want. Goodbye.” I snap a natty two-finger salute and proceed to stand to take my leave. “Fwwppp!”
They obviously hadn’t read my force majeure, iron-clad, triple take-or-pay contract.
“Oh. I’ll expect payment before I leave today. Business-class flight tickets or better and remember, payment in full before I go. Good day, gentlemen.”
I stood, readjusted my Stetson, and puffed a huge cloud of Oscuro cigar smoke skyward.
“Now, now, Doctor. Let us not be hasty.” The old fart said.
“Well, you sure as FUCK wanted me to be hasty yesterday when I identified that 9-ton catastrophe waiting to happen out in Sector 4. You didn’t even know it existed much less what to do about it. I hung my ass out over the line and dragged it back in to save your corporate asses. If that motherfucker would have blown, with all that counterfeit C-4, dynamite, ANFO, and fucking Nitronox; the place where you’re sitting right now would be one tall, mothering hole. It’d be littered with uncountable bodies and body parts.” I yelled back.
Each of the board members looked as if they’d just been slapped in the face with a large salt-water cod soaked in lemon juice.
“Doctor! Decorum!”, one of them bickered back.
“FUCK YOUR DECORUM!”, I roared back. “You candy-assed executives sit here and just watch the proles swing by and the money swirl in. Let me tell you something, me ol’ muckers. Get the fuck off your ivory pedestal and get into the trenches and see what it’s really like out there. You may have started in the trenches and clawed your way up here. I doubt it as most of you have never had a blister or broke a sweat. I’m a Goddamned Doctor of Petroleum Geology, I am! I have more degrees than any of you so-called ‘higher-ups’, and I look forward to cultivating blisters and getting all sweaty and nasty. It’s called ‘working for a living’ and being the best in your field. You sorry slack-jawed bastards might want to give it a try sometime. Don’t presume to lecture me on decorum, gentlemen. Let me lecture you on reality and how the fuck the real fucking world really fucking works.”
Utter silence from the whole boardroom. I sat back in my comfortable ergonomic seat, sipped my coffee, and smoked my cigar. I silently wondered who would be the first to break the stillness.
Finally Goodgulf Greyteeth, the original old fart, spoke up, “Ah. Yes, Doctor. Please do not misinterpret our reservations for ingratitude.”
“Not at all”, I replied, “I know you’re good at paying your bills. I do my homework.”
That stung them again. They knew they owed me and my recruits a fucking bundle.
“However, you are an American...” he tried to continue.
“What the flying fuck does that have to do with the price of Ganga in Calicut?” I railed, “You knew that from the onset. Don’t you even fucking dare try to make it a cultural thing. I’ve lived all around the world, Gentlemen; myriad ethnicities in the past 4 decades. I assimilate into a new culture smoother than the COVID-9 virus into a leaky mammal cell-membrane. What else you got?”
More silence. I checked my watch. 0745. I need to get back to the Barn.
“OK, gents. By your silence, I can see that I just terrify you”, I noted, “That’s cool. I have no problem with that. That’s really fine and dandy. However, you are correct: I am an American. I’m brash, I’m loud, and I’m quickly decisive. I smoke, I drink, I swear, I stink. And you know what? I’m damn proud of it. You value decorum? I value results. I don’t ask you to like, investigate, nor critique my methodologies. I ask you to like, investigate, and critique my results. Like yesterday. You’d have shit yourselves and gone blind before you’d screwed up enough courage to go up to that tent yesterday, much less go in and defuse the problem. That’s why I’m here. And until I decide to leave, you stay up here and play with your decorum; just don’t get caught. I’ll be down there and taking care of the fucking business of doing business. When I ask if ‘we’re green’, I mean ‘are we in agreement’. So, are we green, gentlemen?”
There’s an immediate buzz. Machine gun cadence Hindi and finally a unanimous:
“Yes, Doctor. We are green. I’m glad we had this opportunity to talk. Thank you very much for your time.”
“Marvelous”, I replied.
I slurped down the remainder of my coffee, donned my Stetson, and headed for the door.
“Ah, Doctor”, the old grizzled fart said, “No hard feelings, I hope.”
“None from this side”, I replied, “Sorry if you can’t say the same from yours. There is one thing before I go. You will be doing this without question…”
A few tense minutes elapse.
“Until we meet again, then. Ta-ta.” I said to the exasperated board.
One really surly conversation later, I’m out the door, down the steps.
I grab the first tap-tap to happen by and head to the Barn. Upon de-tap-tapping, I give the driver 500 rupees. I was just still so pissed I wanted to get shed of all things Indian at that point.
It was 0800 and I walked in the door.
Deep breath. Suck it up. It’s showtime.
“Morning, guys”, I said cheerily, “I do hope you all survived yesterday intact.”
There were a few groans. I knew that all those empty liquor bottles and half-barrels out by the rubbish tip had to come from somewhere. There were some headaches being nursed here, and they weren’t from nitro this time.
“OK”, I said, “Let’s see. Numbers 8, 14, and 22 are officially not here.” I said, looking at the tote board. “Shame, they will miss out on the juicy bonus information I have for them.”
Suddenly, numbers 8, 14, and 22 appeared as if by magic.
“Oh, lookee. The gang’s all here.” I said cheerfully, “Now we’re all present and accounted for, I have some de-briefing for you from yesterday’s escapades.”
The entire room was in rapt attention.
“First, my hearty and personal thanks to all of you. You performed above and beyond. My personal thanks and approbations.” I said.
There were actually smatters of applause from the assembled.
“OK, enough of that horseshit.” I wave off the applause. “Now the news you were all waiting for. It was rumored that you were to be given a one-time expeditionary bonus of 10,000 rupees for your work yesterday.” I informed them.
There was a buzz.
“What do you mean ‘were to be given’?” came a few gasps.
“Well, it’s like this”, I said, gravely clearing my throat, “I felt that was insufficient, unsatisfactory, and downright insulting. It’s only US$132 and I felt you guys deserved better. So I convinced your bosses to double that figure.”
There were gasps and huzzahs.
I held up a whole hand to silence them.
“However, just this morning they collectively managed to piss me off magnificently. So, now it’s double-double. How’s that?” I asked.
The room erupted. Phones came out to calculate their newfound wealth.
“Gents,” I said, “Put away your phones, you know my classroom rules. It’s US$523.28 Congratulations. You’ve earned every piasa.”
Now there was real applause. The room sort of erupted.
“OK?”, I asked, “Everyone delirious? Good. Because now we’re going to go through your locker boxes and have a locker box inspection!”
Never has the mood in the room done a 180-degree turn so swiftly.
“Sanjay”, I said, “If you would. I need some air.”
Outside I check my messages. Nothing that couldn’t wait. I had a small Dutch dry-cured cigar and a couple of tots from old number 3.
“Locker box go OK?” I asked.
“We’re green, Rock!”, came the reply.
Sanjay shook his head to agree.
“Outstanding”. I replied.
“OK, guys, here’s the deal. After yesterday’s total immersion, we’re going to hit the books for a day or so. Go over some fundamentals. It’s not going to be near as exciting, but it has to be done. So, get out your copy of the Blasters Protocols Handbook and read the first 5 chapters. That will take us to lunch. We will reconvene at 1300 hours and discuss what you just learned. We green?”
“Rock,”, one industrious student asked, “Do we need to stay here and read or can we go out?”
“No”, I replied, “I don’t really care where you do your reading. Because tonight there will be homework, so you may as well get used to it now. See you at 1300 hours. You can stay, as Sanjay and I will be here or go wherever. Go nuts.”
Three-quarters of the room left with their books, the rest remained.
I fielded a couple of calls and Sanjay brushed up on his Blasters Protocols Handbook, 15th edition. I fielded a few questions from the peanut gallery that remained, but by and large, the morning just evaporated.
At noon, we locked up. Sanjay went to lunch, I commandeered at tap-tap and driver. I gave him 500 rupees for the hour.
“Sector 4”, I said, “And don’t spare the electrons.”
He was driving one of those new, environmentally-friendly tap-taps.
Yippee.
Off we putt-putted. I fired up a cigar, offered one to the driver, which he snatched faster than a teen caught by his mother with a copy of Playboy, and had a few tots from old number 2.
We got to the location of the old ammo dump. The tarpaulin and poles had been removed, but not the warning flagpoles and yellow cautionary tape.
Salim was still standing here, looking somewhat confused.
I instructed my driver to tap-tap over to Salim.
“Show’s over, Salim. Thanks for your hard work.” I said.
“Salim tried to keep them out. They say they need tarp. They had to go around the back. Salim would not let them up the path. Doctor Rock say so. Salim make sure.” He smiles.
Hand him a bundle of rupees; got to be over 1,500. He gratefully accepts. He’s once again over the moon.
“Salim”, I asked, “Have you eaten today?”
“No, Doctor”, he replies, “I was at my post. Like you said.”
“OK. I officially relieve you of duty”, I say. I ask the tap-tap driver to get on his phone, radio, or carrier pigeon and get another car over here chop-chop.
A minute or two later, an ancient gas-powered tap-tap appears.
“Driver”, I say to the new cart pilot, “I want you to take Salim here to the commissary. OK?”
He nods agreement as I hand him 100 rupees.
“Salim”, I say, “This cart will take you to the commissary.”
I scribble a note in my tally book, rip it out, and hand it to Salim.
“Give them this. You go get some food and drink, now. Savvy?”
“Oh, yes!” he exclaims, “Salaam! Salim savvy. Thank you, Doctor”, as he tries to shake my arm off.
“No problem.” I said, “Enjoy. Bye now.”
Salim and his driver putt-putts off to the commissary.
I do hope he didn’t stay out here all night.
I walk over to where the tent once stood. The ground looks like a flock of large birds, or a perhaps a constipated dragon, finally had their laxatives kick in. The ground was ash-white, churned horribly, and no longer any form of threat. Hose this area down and within weeks, you’d probably get sneeze grass and wild wildebeest wort growing here again.
I’m such an ardent environmentalist. Yay me.
I get back in the tap-tap and tell the driver to head to the beach along the Road of Yesterday’s Potential Death.
He nods and off we putt.
We tap-tap along, down the sandy trail until the road just ends.
“That’s odd.”, I muse, “I could have sworn there was a road here yesterday.”
There was, however the Nitronox™, all 500 pounds of it, saw to its relocation.
Somewhere out beyond the orbit of Jupiter from the looks of it.
“Holy fuck”, I said internally. I had a slight case of retroactive jibblies as I kind of lost my balance, and shit, for a moment and sat back down, hard, in the vehicle.
“Dead is dead, Chuckles”, I thought to myself. “Be it a puddle of nitro, a stick of soggy dynamite, or this Nitronox shit. Any way you slice it, one errant kaboom and that’s the end. But still…”
I looked out to the hole left from yesterday’s final detonation.
It had to be 175 feet in diameter. Easy. And that’s after the surf’s been chewing on it all night and half the day.
2 tons of dynamite. A ton and a half of ANFO. One and a half tons of C-4. A couple of tons of general cheap-ass generic Chinese explosives.
Nothing compared to a simple 500 pounds of that goddamned thermal liquid binary shit.
I shuddered spontaneously. I asked the driver to take me away from this place. It gave me a feeling of impending doom as if there were some unexploded Nitronox lurking around out there. Stalking through the night, searching for the one who did their comrades in…
I’ve got to lay off those cheesy 1950s B-movies late at night.
We putted over to the commissary. My breakfast bagel cratered long ago and I was a bit peckish. I invited the driver in for lunch. He first adamantly refused, but I told him he’d be fine with me, and besides, it was my treat. He parked so fast, I thought he’d glaze his brakes.
I had a glass of that lovely mixed fruit juice and some sort of Indian grilled meat on a stick. I think it was tandoori chicken, buzzard, something or other avian, but it was actually very tasty. Especially with the crushed garlic dipping sauce, they provided. The garlic naan bread was particularly good. I could offend people for miles after a lunch like this.
I had my juiced juice and three skewers of grilled whatever and was quite satisfied. My driver, who was easily 1/3rd my size, had 5 skewers of grilled avian whatever, tabbouleh, a stack of naan, grass salad, hummus, a couple of meat pies, and glass after glass of what was either buttermilk or laban.
I had to look under the table to see if he was stashing some for later. He wasn’t. This guy could eat like a starving trencherman. Must have had a couple of hollow legs.
I told him I need to get back to the barn for school was about to begin for the afternoon. He starts shoveling it in faster and faster.
“No, no. Wait one!” I said, “You stay here and enjoy lunch. I need to walk back anyways, I need the exercise. It’s all paid for. Take all you want but eat all you take.”
He smiled back at me with sticky meat-glaze all over his face.
“Groovy.”, I said, “Later.”
I walked briskly out the door, down the stairs and back to the Barn.
We spent the rest of the afternoon going over the different classes of explosives: high, medium, and low. I gave examples of each and their particular uses. We then went over different fusing methods; from set-pull-forget to demo wire and a blasting machine. Blasting machines like the Old Reliable plunger-type; now sorry to say, obsolete. And the new Captain America electronic type.
I spent some time tripping down memory lane regaling them with tales of wind up detonators, Twist-Off detonators, cannon fuse you lit with a match, match lights you lit off with a lighter and myriad other ways to get explosives off their dead asses and go to work.
1700 hours hove into view quickly. I assigned chapters 6-12 for tomorrow and said “Adios” for the evening. It had been another long, but not quite as deadly, day. I need the phone, to update my field notebooks and dossiers, make come calls, and sprawl around in the Jacuzzi like a beached graying narwhal for a few hours.
Not necessarily in that order.
Back at the Raj, Sanjay disappeared to make his notes for the next day.
I stopped by the bar, surprise, surprise, and Butler 214 magically appeared. These guys were quick studies. He handed me a selection of cigars he chose personally. He would like to know what I thought of each the next day.
“Yes, sir!”, I said.
I think he actually cracked a small smile.
I sidled over to the bar and had the Bejesus scared out of me by the little attendant who was invisible down behind the bar, tending the taps on the draft beer.
“Yes, sir, Doctor”, he smiled widely, as he pops up like an Aarav-in-the-box. “What is your pleasure?”
“An all-expenses-paid year-long vacation at Milton Lake Lodge, Saskatchewan?”
He just looked at me quizzically.
“OK. I’d like a pint of cold draft Boris Brew Vikingathor if you please. Plus 100, no, 200 milliliters of Old Fornicator Vodka.”
As if by magic, they both appeared.
The Dark 8.2% beer went down without so much as a hint of a fight. The Old Fornicator scrapped a bit, at first.
I had him prepare me a to-go package that I could take to my room.
“Oh, no sir!”, he said.
“What?” I roared.
“No, sir. Just call 215 on your room phone. I will bring it to your room personally. Service available 24/7”, he smiled.
“See what you miss when you don’t pay attention?”, I smiled and slipped him 500 rupees.
“Mea culpa”, I said, “It’s been a couple of really long days.” I dragged off to my room.
“Calgon, take me away” could be heard filtering through the cracks in my room as the water splashed.
Afterward, feeling less marine mammal and slightly more human, I call Esme. I give her a Reader’s Digest version of what’s been going on the last couple of days.
She’s blasé about the whole situation. Remember, she’s had 39 years’ worth of me going to strange, foreign places, and getting into all sorts of odd situations. She was particularly pleased that neither my recruits nor I were killed, maimed, or otherwise inconvenienced.
Besides, she said she’d kill me if I came home dead.
Funny thing is, I truly think she means it.
I profess my love, tell her about my really healthy bonus package. I endure the shrill “Squeee!” of her telling her mother they’re going shopping again today.
She always has been the moral, ethical, and economic center of our family. I love her so for that.
Next on the roster was a collect call to Virginia and my agency buddies.
“Hey, guys”, I say, “How are things in the clean world? Still locked down?”
“Hello, Rock”, Rack and Ruin say in unison. They have me on speakerphone, even though they know how much I hate those things.
“Take me off that damn loudspeaker”, I demand.
“Nope, it’s breakfast time here and we need both hands free.” They riposte.
“You know that I know certain people, right…?” I said ominously.
They just chuckle.
That really hurt.
“Anyways. What’s up?” I re-interrogate.
“Well, we hear you’re really making waves over there. Literally and figuratively.” They say.
“Yeah. Business as more or less usual. Prosaic, boring, and spine-tinglingly dangerous. Another day in the life…” I yawn.
“That’s not what we heard”, Agent Rack replies.
“Oh? What have you heard?” I ask.
“We have heard of tales of recklessness and heroics regarding some 18,000 pounds of dodgy Chinese wholesale munitions.” He continued.
“Oh, that? Yeah. A spot of bother. No worries. We sorted it out.” I replied.
“About that. You took 24 green cadets with you to defuse a smoldering 9-ton ammo dump?” Ruin wondered.
“Yep. Good chaps. I think they’re going to work out just fine.” I said.
“Ah, Doctor. We want to let you know we’ve investigated your role in the last couple of days' activities over there. True, you are a private contractor, but Agent Ruin and I have put you in for an Agency citation. For valor and initiative above and beyond the call.” Agent Rack tells me.
“Whoa. Groovy! What’s that worth on eBay?” I ask, immediately running the solemn moment.
“You asshole!”, both agents laugh.
“Hey, it’s me. A leopard can’t change his spots or so goes the old story.” I snicker.
“And Doctor Rocknocker, we’d have no other way.” They agreed.
“Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment.”, I stated.
“OK, now all that fluff and circumstance is out of the way, what news have you for us?” Agent Rack enquires.
I give them the lowdown on some of the more promising students, especially Viswamitra Dattachaudhuri. I tell them that due to our vetting process, we’ve run the selected bunch through the wringer three times before they receive their numbered brass tags. I explain that it seems to be a good system. I’ll write it up in great and glorious detail in case anyone else wants to try and apply it themselves.
Scribbling can be heard down the line. I ask if they’re ready for more.
“There’s more?”, Agent Ruin asks, “You bucking for a promotion now to go along with your citation?”
“Hush, you.”, was all I said.
I told him of my run-in with the board of directors and Goodgulf Greyteeth, the headmaster of that special education class.
“Did you really tell the entire board to go ‘piss up a rope’?” Rack asks.
“That was the least of what I said to them.” I chuckled. “I swore, I stomped, I cursed, I fumed. I went full American on their flabby asses.”
“Not ‘full American’?” Rack recoiled verbally in horror.
“Yep. With itchweed clusters.” I chortled.
“Well, there goes that offer of Ambassadorship for our Dr. Rocknocker.” Ruin laughs.
“Bah! They couldn’t pay me enough”, I quipped.
“Oh, you’d be surprised.” Agent Ruin replied.
“Holy shit.”, I thought, “Were they being serious?”
“So, Doctor. We would appreciate full dossier profiles on those people you feel would be of interest to us here. You know the parameters we use to determine that. We trust your judgment.” Agent Ruin says.
“What’s this? A sudden brush-off? Or has your coffee gone cold?” I ask.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re very intuitive, Doctor? Bye now.” Agent Rack chuckles and rings off.
“Why do I let myself continue working with these guys?” I wonder to myself.
The next morning, after breakfast, Sanjay and I are back at the Barn at 0715. There is a knock on the door. It’s a courier and he has a message for me.
“Please accompany the courier to Warehouse 11.” was all the note said.
“Sanjay”, I said, “Hold down the fort. I’ve been summoned.”
“Got it, Rock. Chapters 6-12?” he asks.
Yep. Basic stuff. Really hammer it home. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” I said and followed the unsmiling transport driver cum courier.
I pull out a cigar and off him one. He refuses politely. I offer him 200 rupees for his troubles. He accepts politely. We’re off in a cloud of blood-red dust and headed for Warehouse 11.
I meet Mr. Bana Padhya, the foreman of this warehouse.
“Doctor”, he says as we shake hands.
“Good to meet you. ‘Bana’ is it?” I ask.
“Yes, sir”, he replies.
“OK, Bana. Call me ‘Rock’.” I say.
“Fine. Dr. Rock, your bunker is finished. In fact, it’s already being populated.” He beams.
I feel a chill in the still tropical air.
“Please explain,” I asked simply.
“We finished the bunker you requested and designed. After that, we retrieved the materials from your adventures with the munitions tent the other day. We have placed those materials you had buried into the bunker. Please, let me show you.” He insists.
I breathe a bit easier. I remembered the Primacord that we salvaged. My heart rate dropped back down from hummingbird mode.
We rode out about 5 minutes and there, built into the side of a sandhill was a very respectable set of locked blast doors. I look and see the cross-braced sub-structure supporting the roof as well as providing ventilation.
They actually did follow my designs.
Mr. Bana escorts me to the doors. He twirls a knob, twiddles with a lever, diddles a keypad, produces a huge key, and proceeds to open the bunker.
We walk right in. I have to admit, I was impressed.
10 meters by 10 meters square and 4 meters or so tall. All built out of doubly-rebar reinforced concrete and cinderblocks. There was a strong forced-air draft running through the place, circulating air in from the top to bottom and out again. A digital readout on one bulkhead noted the time, date, temperature, and humidity. All this data was being recorded and could be downloaded at the terminal under the readout.
There were shelves, lockers, and lockable cupboards. There were keypads that allow or prohibit access to the more lockable storage sub-facilities. Over along the west wall is spool after spool of Primacord. It looks like it might still be useable, but until I give it the once over, I ask it to be locked behind closed doors.
They have fire suppression built-in as well as some sort of Asian faux-Halon system they had laying around gathering dust. That wasn’t in the original plans, but, hey, it can’t hurt.
I walk around and give the place the once over.
“Not bad”, I say, “Not too bad at all.”
I walk outside. Looking at the roof, I see a potential problem.
“Bana”, I say, “Get some of your guys before another single stick of anything is stored here. Get them on the roof and clear away all that sand.”
“But, Doc…Rock”, he protested, “Sand is heavy and when wet, will be a most beneficial addition to containing any blast if something should happen.”
“That defeats the purpose of my design”, I reply, “See those X-shaped cross-braces up there just under the roof?”
“Yes.”
“They are there not just for ventilation, but as structural support for the blast roof.” I said.
He looks at me quizzically.
“The way it works is this:”, I say, “If there’s an accident, the solid double-reinforced and sand-braced walls and blast-doors will contain the blast energy. Now, that energy has to go someplace, right? So I planned for it to go straight up. The roof is split cross-wise, petal-shaped. 4 petals will open like the eggs in the original Alien. They will peel back, on hinges connected to the X-shaped cross-members, and allow all that blast energy to go straight up and dissipate, without hurting anyone or anything.”
“Amazing”, was Mr. Bana’s reply. He assured me the roof sand would be removed immediately.
“Outstanding “, I replied, shook his hand, and got into the tap-tap for the ride back to the Barn.
“DOCTOR!” Mr. Bana yelled before we took off.
“You might want these.” He says as he hands me the procedure, codes, and my own keys for the blockhouse.
“Of course. Many thanks, Mr. Bana” I reply as we take off in a flurry of dust and good feelings for once.
Back at the Barn, Sanjay is going over Chapter 9 and I walk in.
“Ok, gentlemen. Break time.” Sanjay announces. “Be back here in 30.”
The room empties almost immediately.
“Well, Rock”, Sanjay asks, “What was that all about?”
“Good news for a change”, I am and show him the procedures, codes, and keys for the blockhouse. “We now have a fully functional explosives bunker. Now, all we need is some explosives. Oh, we do have that Primacord you guys buried in the sand the other day.”
“That is good news.” Sanjay reports, “Oh, I got a note the air packs you ordered have arrived.”
“They actually found the 3M™ Scott™ Air-Pak™ X3™ SCBA gear I wanted?” I asked.
“They had to go through the military to find them. The military, by the way, was a bit annoyed that you wouldn’t use their air packs”, he added.
“If I’m going to teach these characters how to go into a dodgy atmosphere; potentially poisonous, or otherwise hazardous, and survive, I want gear with which I’m familiar. Scott? Oh, yeah. Indian military? Not so much.” I explained.
“What’s so good about Scott?” Sanjay asked.
“Well, it’s been around forever”, I say, “It’s the brand of choice in the Oil Patch. Plus, they come with CGA or Snap-Change cylinder connection, they’re available in 2.2, 4.5, or 5.5 cylinder pressures, have dual-redundant pressure reducers, a new back frame contour design with articulating shoulder harness, possess improved hose and wire management, have optimally positioned "buddy" lights, "External" HUD for easy air status updates of the team, Vibralert tactile alarm and best of all, they’re made in the U.S.A.”
“OK, you’ve sold me. I’ll take a dozen.” Sanjay laughs.
“Laugh all you want. When things get weird, the weird turn pro and wear Scott air packs.” I laugh back.
Sanjay smiles. He knows that I’m joking as well as being serious. ‘Eh, it’s a gift.
“Have them roll the entire list over to the bunker. Plenty of room there to store them. We’ll start tomorrow on their care and feeding with the guys.” I said.
The regular crowd shuffles in, move their brass markers to the proper spots on the tote board and I notice an unfamiliar customer hanging around the back of the room.
“Sanjay”, I say, “Handle this for me for a while. I think I’ve got another message waiting.”
“Sure, Rock”, Sanjay says, “We’re just going over black powder and its historical uses. Nothing too mission-critical.”
“Great”, I say, and pat him on the shoulder. “Make it interesting.”
I motion to the guy in the back to meet me outside.
I am outside firing up a heater and he walks up to me and asks, “Are you Doctor Rocknocker?”
“Ah! Let me check.”, I say. I pull out my wallet and look, “Yep. That’s me.”
Not as much as a smile.
“Please sign here.” He instructs.
I sign and ask “What is this?”
“It’s for Dr. Rocknocker.” He says, turn heel, and walks rapidly away.
“Well, that was weird.” I think. I pull out my Neutral European Country Military-issue Knife and Pocket Tool Set and zip the heavy envelope open.
It’s from Dynamo-Noble.
“Hurrah!” I think. A real munitions and explosives manufacturer and wholesaler.
It’s a ticked manifest of everything I had ordered previously!
• Du Pont Herculene 60% Extra Fast!
• Pure metallurgical-grade ammonium nitrate!
• Trojan® GEOPRIME® blasting caps and millisecond delay super-boosters!
• Blastex Composition C-4! Real C-4!
• Biterox safety blasting caps and fuse.
• Ensign-Bickford Brand Primacord – Primaline 85!
• Eurenco PETN!
• Eastman Chemical Company RDX!
• Professional Demolition International demolition wire!
• ‎EPC-UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIVES Detonation cord!
• Oil Well Explosives Gelatin Nitroglycerin Dynamite )some of which might go in my personal collection.)
• And NO! Nitronox™!
It’s like Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa all in May. It’s the first real good thing to happen this beleaguered year.
“Me so happy!”
I look deeper. The C-4, dynamite, Primacord, Det cord, caps, boosters, and fuse are already here. I need to call and supervise their loading into the new bunker.
The rest is en route and should be here within 2-3 days.
That’s cutting it close but will have to do.
At least, I’ve got some old friends to play with now.
Those kids have no idea what’s just hit.
I rub my hands together in barely contained glee. I feel like a kid in a candy store with a brand new Mastercard.
Back in class, I tell my students that we will meet after lunch over at the new bunker. I have Sanjay get on the phone to Mr. Maya. We’re going to need the magic bus once again.
After lunch, I’m sitting in the shade outback of Outbuilding #2. I’m having a post-prandial smoke, a tot or two, and Sanjay is almost at the point where he got enough dander up to ask me for a cigar.
Suddenly we hear the raucous strains of Bollywood music.
It’s Mr. Maya and his Magic Bus!
The bus coughs to a stop, and Mr. Maya gets out.
“How are you today, Sir?” I ask, shaking his hand. “Added some paint to the old motor coach, have we?”
“Oh, yes, Dr. Rock”, he smiles, “With Sanjay’s payment and your bonus, I could buy many new colors. Like I say, I never know when to quit.” He chuckles.
The bus was covered with a pattern of startling hues, ranging from schizoid red to psychopathic azure, post-traumatic stress purple to exhibitionist green, bipolar brown to obsessive-compulsive cerulean. It added a bit of color to an otherwise drab environment.
“We’ll load up right after lunch”, I said.
We sit and swap some stories, and I decide it’s warm enough for another Tiger. Sanjay calls a number on his phone and suddenly, a courier arrives.
He has a small lunch-box sized cooler. Inside are 4 iced Tigers.
Sanjay refuses to give me that number.
I’m enjoining the light, pilsnery taste of the Tiger as is Mr. Maya. This stuff’s so light, you need to tie it down or it’ll float away.
My team is filtering back after lunch. I look and see it’s getting close to that time.
Precisely at 1300 hours, we all hear and feel a small boom, a tongue of unctuous black smoke licks the sky, and a siren is screaming its tonsils out.
“Post lunch back-to-work cannon and whistle?” I ask.
“No, Rock”, Sanjay replies anxiously, “There’s been an accident in the yard…
To be continued…