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The three most played solitaire card games in the world

The three most played solitaire card games in the world
WHICH GAMES ARE THEY?
The main reason that traditional playing cards first spread across the world is due to their primary use: for playing card games. But you don't need others to play card games, courtesy of solitaire card games. These have existed for decades, going back as far as the 19th century. But there's no doubt that the arrival of the personal computer into office spaces and homes has had an enormous impact in introducing these classic games of patience to the masses, and in popularizing them.
Arguably the single biggest reason for this is Microsoft. Microsoft first began packaging a simple version of Klondike Solitaire with their operating systems with Windows 3.0, which was the third major release of Microsoft Windows, and came out in 1990. At the time, desktop computers had only just become a staple in homes and work-places. Part of the rationale for including a solitaire card game was to assist new users in learning how to use a mouse, and to help them become familiar with features like dragging and dropping, and the overall graphical interface of a personal computer. As Microsoft continued delivering new versions of their Windows operating system in later years, a couple of other solitaire card games were added, notably Spider and FreeCell.
This development single-handedly revolutionized office-culture around the world. It's a little known fact, but sources within Microsoft have stated that Solitaire is in fact the most used software program in the entire Microsoft family, even ahead of programs like Word and Excel. At the time, it even led to debates about whether introducing computers into the workplace would actually decrease productivity, due to real concerns that Microsoft Solitaire was leading to many hours of time wasted by employees.

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What accounts for this tremendous success? First of all, digitizing what was already a popular game meant that it removed the practicalities and constraints involved in using a physical deck of cards. By eliminating the hassles of shuffling, dealing, and physically moving cards, and taking away the requirement for a reasonable amount of table space, all the book-keeping and tedious elements of the game were instantly eliminated. Now solitaire card games could be played much more quickly and easily.
Software versions also created new opportunities for the game that didn't previously exist. Digital implementations made it possible to record percentages of wins, best times, and win streaks, all of which give additional incentives to return to the game. They also made possible forms of the game that - for logistical reasons - would be difficult or impossible to play in real life with a physical deck. Digital versions of solitaire were also easier to learn, given the enforced rules, automated layouts, and instructional tutorials that typically accompanied them. And of course, solitaire has an addictive quality about it, given the inherent challenge of trying to win from a deal. Being able to easily and quickly play a game of digital solitaire makes it a highly attractive time-filler. Despite the advent of flashier and more impressive games, people keep returning to the simplicity of dragging cards around for a quick five or ten minute fix of Solitaire.
But this also explains how the three most played solitaire card games in the world accomplished this status. As Microsoft Windows was slowly conquering the world and asserting its monopoly on the global market of operating systems and personal computers, their versions of solitaire were the ones that became firmly established into homes and offices. So we have Microsoft to thank for making Klondike the solitaire game that nearly all of us are familiar with. For many people, this is the game that they identify "Solitaire" with.
With Microsoft adding Spider and FreeCell in later years, these two games were quickly adopted and became beloved by solitaire fans as well, causing them to leapfrog many other classic solitaire games in popularity, and make them the most commonly played versions of solitaire behind the evergreen Klondike. With the release of Windows 8 in 2012, this trilogy of titles was rebranded under the name "Microsoft Solitaire Collection", as part of an ad-supported freemium package that also included two new solitaire additions: Pyramid and TriPeaks.
While there are many other classic solitaire games that exist and are played around the world, in terms of the sheer number of games played, Microsoft's holy trinity of Klondike, Spider, and FreeCell unquestionably reigns supreme. As proof of its success, Microsoft Solitaire was inducted into the World Video Game Hall of Fame in 2019, alongside other greats like Doom, Donkey Kong, Tetris, Super Mario Kart, World of Warcraft, and The Legend of Zelda. To get there, it had to meet criteria that included being widely known and remembered, having enduring popularity, and not only influencing other games but culture in general. It's estimated that it has been installed on over a billion devices, localized in 65 different languages, and is considered to be instrumental in paving the way for the growth of the casual game market.

https://preview.redd.it/x2473u9ydmc51.jpg?width=600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=059922b3200f4e0d679ab3b8ed61ebc623a3857a
Of course today there are many more ways to enjoy these popular solitaire greats. Besides apps for your mobile device, all you need is a web browser, and sites like Solitaired.com enable you to play them for free online wherever you are in the world, as long as you have an internet connection. Besides dragging and dropping cards with the click of a mouse on your personal home or office computer, touch screens have only helped to increase the number of ways you can play solitaire, especially on mobile devices. So let's take a closer look at the three most popular solitaire card games.
KLONDIKE
Overview: Klondike is the solitaire game most of us will be familiar with from our personal computer, or that we've seen bored staff playing in the office. It's the quintessential solitaire card game that everybody should at least try once, and is the game most people have in mind when they think of "solitaire". Its name has its origin in the late nineteenth century gold rush in the Klondike part of the Canadian Yukon, where prospectors would play the game in order to help pass the time. It sometimes goes under other names like Canfield (in the UK), although this latter name is technically incorrect, and actually refers to a different solitaire game.
Game-play: Using a single deck, the aim is to arrange all 13 cards of each suit in a complete sequence from Ace through King. These sequences begin with the Ace as the foundation and build upwards, hence games like this are typically described as builder type solitaire games. Cards are placed in an area called the tableau, and the initial deal involves laying out seven piles, ranging from 1 to 7 cards on each, and with only the top card of each pile turned face up. These cards can then be arranged within the tableau by building downwards in alternating colours, and moved between columns to in order to access other cards. Only a King or column built down on a King can be transferred to a free space in the tableau. Unlike an open game where all the cards are visible and face-up from the start of the game, Klondike is an example of a closed game, because not all the cards are known, and slowly become revealed as you make them available.
Variations: The most common way of using the stock is to deal three cards at a time, but many people also play with an alternative rule in which you deal one card at a time, which is sometimes called Las Vegas Solitaire, and even played as a gambling game in some casinos. This gives you access to many more cards and increases your chances of completing the game successfully. To make the game harder, you can also limit the amount of passes through the deck to just three times, or only once.
My thoughts: Depending on which variation you're playing with and how many redeals you allow, a skilled player should be able to win standard game of Klondike nearly half of the time. It is very satisfying to finish a game and get all the cards onto the foundation, but be warned, because it's also very addictive! Once you're familiar with how the game works, you can polish off an entire game in as little as five minutes, making it an ideal choice for a casual game to keep returning to. It's also a game you can get better at, and for some excellent suggestions on improving your strategy, check out the article 7 Strategies to Win Solitaire.

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Related games: If you want an easier Klondike style game that you should be able to win nine times out of ten, try Westcliff, which has ten columns; or Thumb and Pouch. There's also the easier two deck version of Klondike called Double Klondike, as well as Gargantua and Harp; while the two deck game Lady Jane is even easier yet, and you should be able to win 99% of the time. If you enjoy Klondike and want to try similar games, variations worth trying include Agnes Bernauer and Agnes Sorel. Easthaven adds a tricky Spider-like method of dealing the stock, while Blind Alleys and the closely related Pas Seul use a 6x3 tableau.
Many other Klondike-inspired builder games exist which change more significant things about the game-play. One of the more popular ones is Yukon, in which the entire deck is dealt at the outset, and where you can move columns of cards even if the cards being moved aren't in sequence. This gives you easier access to cards, but the columns consist of more cards to begin with.
Two players: For a version of Klondike that enables you to play competitively with another player using two decks of cards, take a look at Double Solitaire. Players have their own deck and tableau, and the aim is to be the first to play all your cards to eight foundations piles which are shared. As well as turn-based play, this can also be turned into a real-time race game of frenzied simultaneous solitaire.
SPIDER
Overview: One of the two games that lurks most closely in Klondike's shadow is Spider. Along with FreeCell, it has risen into prominence courtesy of Microsoft Windows, and chances are good that you've seen a version of it on your home computer along with other common games like Chess, Minesweeper, Hearts, and Spades. It is said to be a favourite of president Franklin D. Roosevelt. Many consider it to be the best solitaire game since it gives a lot of room to overcome the luck of the draw by skillful play, and comes with a good chance of winning the game. According to Gregory Trefry's Casual Game Design, by 2005 it had outstripped Klondike and become the most played game on computers that had Microsoft Windows, largely due the increased challenge it offers over the more luck-based Klondike.
Game-play: A game of Spider uses two decks of cards, and the game starts after dealing out 54 cards out in a tableau of ten piles. Like Klondike, the aim is to get cards of the same suit in order from Ace through King, but in this case there are no foundations. Columns of cards remain in the tableau until you line up a whole column of a suit in order, descending from King down through Ace, at which point they are removed from the game. Cards can be moved within the tableau in a somewhat similar fashion to Klondike, but whenever you need fresh cards, the 50 cards remaining in the stock are dealt out 10 at a time across the entire tableau.
Variations: In the standard form of the game, which is the hardest way to play, you play with all four suits, and while descending columns of alternating colours can be built, you can only move a stack if they are all of the same suit. This is generally considered the more Advanced form of the game, while an Intermediate form of Spider uses two suits and makes the gameplay easier by only using Spades and Hearts. The one suit game only uses cards from a single suit, and can be considered the beginner version, and serve as an excellent introduction to Spider. Officially all spaces in the tableau must be filled before dealing from the stock, but a more relaxed form of the game is possible by removing this requirement.
My thoughts: Unlike Klondike, in Spider all the building happens within the tableau, so that immediately gives it a different feel. Winning Spider, especially in its standard form, can prove quite a challenge. But it's also one of the best solitaire games in view of the analysis and skill it allows for. New players should begin with one suit Spider, and you can always progress to the more difficult and strategic versions later. Single suit Spider is easily winnable most of the time, and is a more relaxing way to play. But even an easier game of Spider will take two or three times as long as a game of Klondike. While taking longer to play, it gives more room for skill and thoughtful play, and comes with the reward of increased chances of completing the game successfully. Microsoft's versions of Spider incorporated a scoring system, so that players could use "undo" in order to discover hidden cards and use this to determine their choices, but with a small point penalty.

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Related games: Given the popularity and success of Spider, many other solitaire games exist that take over its basic concept, such as Mrs Mop, which has all the cards dealt face-up at the outset, and Beetle. Tarantula and Black Widow both make Spider easier by allowing you to move sequences in the tableau that are of the same colour (Tarantula), or of any colour (Black Widow). Spiderette is a single-deck version of Spider, and uses just seven columns Instead of ten, which are dealt out in a triangular style much like Klondike. Like the standard game, the way the cards are dealt can play a big role in whether or not a particular deal is solvable. Other common one-deck Spider games include Will o' the Wisp (which has a 7x3 tableau) and Simple Simon.
Special mention should be made of the popular game Scorpion, which allows stacks to be moved within the tableau even if they aren't arranged in order, in the style of games like Yukon. It's not easy to win, however, and the Wasp variation increases your chances significantly by allowing any card or stack to be placed in an empty space in the tableau, not just Kings. Three Blind Mice is another favourite Scorpion variant, and uses a 10x5 tableau.
FREECELL
Overview: FreeCell emerged out of relative obscurity in 1995 as a result of its inclusion in Microsoft Windows 95. Even though it was created by Paul Alfille already as early as 1978, it was only when it was brought into the public eye with the help of Windows, that it quickly became an addictive pastime for many, and gained a loyal following. Just a few years later it was included along with Minesweeper in the chapter "Computer and Online Games" of the published version of Hoyle's Rules of Games. Fan websites were even created for it with information about the different deals, and strategies.
Game-play: At the start of the game, a single deck is dealt face up into eight columns. There are four foundation piles, and as in most solitaire games, the goal is to build cards from each suit in ascending sequence from Ace through King. But in addition to these foundation piles, there are four storage cells that can be used to temporarily store a card from the bottom of any column, and that's where the real fun of FreeCell lies. Cards in the tableau are arranged down in alternating colours, and such sequences can be moved between columns - but only with the help of available cells - while a space created in the tableau can be filled with any card.
Variations: FreeCell has inspired many variants and related game, which are too many to list. Several of these are true to the basic concept, but simply increase the number of cards in the game. For example, there is also a two-deck version called FreeCell Duplex. There is also a version with three decks and one with four decks.
My thoughts: FreeCell has the distinction of being a solitaire card game that lends itself particularly well to a digital implementation. In the Windows version, each unique deal was assigned a different number, nearly all of which were solvable, and people could use this number to attempt the same deal as other players. The computer could also calculate which moves were possible and which were not. While later versions came with over a million unique deals, the original Microsoft FreeCell supported 32,000 numbered deals, dubbed as the "Microsoft 32,000". In the hey-day of FreeCell in the mid 1990s, a crowdsourced project assigned all these deals to different people, successfully completing all but one of them. Given that all the cards are visible at the start of the game, FreeCell is an open game and you have perfect information to work with from the outset, so there are no surprises awaiting you. Winning requires sheer skill, and there is very little luck.

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Related games: FreeCell has among its ancestors Eight Off and Baker's Game. In both games you build down in the same suit instead of in alternating colours. Eight Off gives players the added advantage of having more storage cells to use. It was the novel use of alternating colours that helped make FreeCell a big success, but these two predecessors are also very good.
Given its tremendous popularity, FreeCell has inspired many other games of its kind, many with small twists to the setup or rules. One popular take on this style of the game include Art Cabral's excellent Seahaven Towers, which has a different starting layout. Also highly recommended is David Parlett's Penguin, which has seven reserve cells, and gives you three of your starting foundation cards but buries the fourth one at the bottom of the first column in the tableau; this is the "penguin" that you must free.
CONCLUSION
The above three solitaire games can all be described as builder-type games, and there are many other builder-type solitaire games that have been inspired by them or are related to them. The most popular ones besides the trilogy covered here include: Baker's Dozen, Beleaguered Castle, Canfield, Forty Thieves, La Belle Lucie (Lovely Lucy), Scorpion, and Yukon. Each of these games is in turn a representative of its own family of games that provides variations of the same theme. So it's worth trying each of these other titles too, to determine which ones you especially enjoy playing, and then exploring further within each family.
But despite the tremendous diversity, these three reign supreme: Klondike, Spider, and FreeCell. Nearly everyone who has had a Microsoft Windows operating system on their computer at some point in their life will be familiar with one or all of these three solitaire games. This is particularly going to be true of those who were the early adopters of personal computers in homes and offices. Those who found themselves behind an office computer in the 1990s, lived in an era when video games weren't nearly as advanced, impressive, or varied as what they were today. This was a time when social media didn't yet exist, and when the world wide web consisted largely of text based websites that were accessed with slow dial up modems. In this environment, solitaire was the ideal companion for a lonely and boring day behind the computer, and a welcome distraction.
The positive reception of Klondike, Spider, and FreeCell by this audience, has ensured that these three brands of solitaire will continue to have an enduring legacy, far beyond what even Microsoft ever imagined when first making them our friends. Almost 30 years on, these solitaire games have already stood the test of time, and will undoubtedly continue to be enjoyed by future generations.
Where to play them? Head to Solitaired.com and try a game of Klondike, Spider, or FreeCell!

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Author's note: I first published this article at PlayingCardDecks here.
submitted by EndersGame_Reviewer to boardgames [link] [comments]

Why can it be so challenging to run old PC games on modern hardware?

On Windows 10, I'm trying to install Star Trek: Armada and it installs, but doesn't load. Hoyle Casino installed and runs, but you can't make custom people. Star Wars: Empire at War needed a single little patch and it's crisp, clean, and great.
Why are old games such a massive crapshoot, even in compatibility mode?
submitted by The_Trekspert to NoStupidQuestions [link] [comments]

MAME 0.196

MAME 0.196

MAME 0.196, our March release, is here just in time for Easter, and it’s packed with all the goodness you’ve come to expect. In a very exciting development, Team Caps0ff have extracted the C-chip data for Volfied, Superman, Rainbow Islands, and most importantly, Bonze Adventure. This cleanly fixes some of the most long-standing emulation issues in MAME. The improvements to Sega Model 2 have continued, with Virtua Fighter 2 and Motor Raid now considered working. Other Model 2 games are greatly improved as well.
For fans of 8-bit home computers, MAME 0.196 has improved ZX Spectrum family emulation, fixing many graphical glitches. A QuikLoad option has been added to several CP/M-80 machines, allowing .COM files to be loaded directly after the operating system has booted. Emulated IEEE-488 (GPIB) can now be tunnelled over sockets, opening up the possibility to simulate peripherals outside MAME. Interpro progress has continued, and is now at the point where you can boot the rebuild floppy.
Other new working arcade games include Big Buck Hunter, an older joystick-controlled version of Ghox, and a rare unprotected version of Opa Opa. With some fixes to our vector maths, War: The Final Assault is working, and Gunpey has been made playable using decompressed sprite data extracted from a working board. New LCD hand-helds include Dennis the Menace, Double Dragon 3, Jurassic Park, Spider-Man, The Addams Family, The Flash, and X-Men - Project X.
In an emulation first, MAME 0.196 supports QSound DSP emulation. For now, it’s only enabled for the vgmplay driver by default, and it requires a fairly fast computer to emulate at full speed. It will be enabled by default when system requirements are a bit more modest. The SH-4 recompiler has been enabled by default for Dreamcast-derived systems, giving substantial performance improvements.
Of course, there are plenty of other improvements. As always, source and Windows binaries are available from the download page.

MAMETesters Bugs Fixed

New working machines

New working clones

Machines promoted to working

Clones promoted to working

New machines marked as NOT_WORKING

New clones marked as NOT_WORKING

New working software list additions

New NOT_WORKING software list additions

Translations added or modified

Source Changes

submitted by cuavas to emulation [link] [comments]

MAME 0.196

MAME 0.196

MAME 0.196, our March release, is here just in time for Easter, and it’s packed with all the goodness you’ve come to expect. In a very exciting development, Team Caps0ff have extracted the C-chip data for Volfied, Superman, Rainbow Islands, and most importantly, Bonze Adventure. This cleanly fixes some of the most long-standing emulation issues in MAME. The improvements to Sega Model 2 have continued, with Virtua Fighter 2 and Motor Raid now considered working. Other Model 2 games are greatly improved as well.
For fans of 8-bit home computers, MAME 0.196 has improved ZX Spectrum family emulation, fixing many graphical glitches. A QuikLoad option has been added to several CP/M-80 machines, allowing .COM files to be loaded directly after the operating system has booted. Emulated IEEE-488 (GPIB) can now be tunnelled over sockets, opening up the possibility to simulate peripherals outside MAME. Interpro progress has continued, and is now at the point where you can boot the rebuild floppy.
Other new working arcade games include Big Buck Hunter, an older joystick-controlled version of Ghox, and a rare unprotected version of Opa Opa. With some fixes to our vector maths, War: The Final Assault is working, and Gunpey has been made playable using decompressed sprite data extracted from a working board. New LCD hand-helds include Dennis the Menace, Double Dragon 3, Jurassic Park, Spider-Man, The Addams Family, The Flash, and X-Men - Project X.
In an emulation first, MAME 0.196 supports QSound DSP emulation. For now, it’s only enabled for the vgmplay driver by default, and it requires a fairly fast computer to emulate at full speed. It will be enabled by default when system requirements are a bit more modest. The SH-4 recompiler has been enabled by default for Dreamcast-derived systems, giving substantial performance improvements.
Of course, there are plenty of other improvements. As always, source and Windows binaries are available from the download page.

MAMETesters Bugs Fixed

New working machines

New working clones

Machines promoted to working

Clones promoted to working

New machines marked as NOT_WORKING

New clones marked as NOT_WORKING

New working software list additions

New NOT_WORKING software list additions

Translations added or modified

Source Changes

submitted by cuavas to MAME [link] [comments]

MAME 0.196

MAME 0.196

MAME 0.196, our March release, is here just in time for Easter, and it’s packed with all the goodness you’ve come to expect. In a very exciting development, Team Caps0ff have extracted the C-chip data for Volfied, Superman, Rainbow Islands, and most importantly, Bonze Adventure. This cleanly fixes some of the most long-standing emulation issues in MAME. The improvements to Sega Model 2 have continued, with Virtua Fighter 2 and Motor Raid now considered working. Other Model 2 games are greatly improved as well.
For fans of 8-bit home computers, MAME 0.196 has improved ZX Spectrum family emulation, fixing many graphical glitches. A QuikLoad option has been added to several CP/M-80 machines, allowing .COM files to be loaded directly after the operating system has booted. Emulated IEEE-488 (GPIB) can now be tunnelled over sockets, opening up the possibility to simulate peripherals outside MAME. Interpro progress has continued, and is now at the point where you can boot the rebuild floppy.
Other new working arcade games include Big Buck Hunter, an older joystick-controlled version of Ghox, and a rare unprotected version of Opa Opa. With some fixes to our vector maths, War: The Final Assault is working, and Gunpey has been made playable using decompressed sprite data extracted from a working board. New LCD hand-helds include Dennis the Menace, Double Dragon 3, Jurassic Park, Spider-Man, The Addams Family, The Flash, and X-Men - Project X.
In an emulation first, MAME 0.196 supports QSound DSP emulation. For now, it’s only enabled for the vgmplay driver by default, and it requires a fairly fast computer to emulate at full speed. It will be enabled by default when system requirements are a bit more modest. The SH-4 recompiler has been enabled by default for Dreamcast-derived systems, giving substantial performance improvements.
Of course, there are plenty of other improvements. As always, source and Windows binaries are available from the download page.

MAMETesters Bugs Fixed

New working machines

New working clones

Machines promoted to working

Clones promoted to working

New machines marked as NOT_WORKING

New clones marked as NOT_WORKING

New working software list additions

New NOT_WORKING software list additions

Translations added or modified

Source Changes

submitted by cuavas to cade [link] [comments]

Games always crash to desktop on decently-specced PC? GPU not overheating... Help!

Operating System
Windows 7
Computer Specs (PSU, GPU, CPU, RAM, Motherboard)
PSU: AcBel HB1004 500W
GPU: ASUS GeForce® GTX 660 DirectCU
CPU: Intel i7-2600 @ 3.40 GHz
RAM: 16GB (4x4) Strontium srt4g86u1-h9h DDR3
Mobo: Gigabyte GA-Z77M-D3H
OS: Windows 7 64 bit
Description of problem
I bought this custom built PC secondhand. It didn't come with a GPU so I purchased the GTX 660 (also secondhand) and installed it. This all seemed fine, I installed the drivers and everything was running well. I played some Planet Coaster but couldn't play 10 minutes without it crashing to the desktop. I tried reinstalling it, changing the display settings and any other thing I could think of/saw online and nothing helped. I concluded it was the game. I had played LA Noire on max settings without any issue. Hoyle Casino (admittedly a not very demanding game) also worked absolutely fine. Then I played some Rocksmith 2014. It played fine but after nearly an hour it crashed. Then I tried Watch Dogs 2. Similar to Planet Coaster, it'd crash after about 10 minutes. I reinstalled the graphics drivers but it didn't help. I changed the monitor I was using but it didn't fix it either. I messed around with the display settings in Watch Dogs 2, nada. At the suggestion of some folks online, I tried overclocking the GPU (very carefully) but this caused the crashes to happen even sooner in-game, even though it was going through the Heaven Benchmarks absolutely fine, so I put it back at default levels. I also checked the voltage of everything using HWInfo64, and it was all at regular levels. I have done memory tests through windows and through memtest and there is nothing wrong with the memory apparently. I have also monitored the GPU temps throughout the crashes, and they are always at like 60 C at most. I don't even think this GPU has touched 70 C since I've owned it, honestly. I thought it may be a hardware problem, so I reseated all of the RAM and changed the PCI-e slot of the GPU. Also, to check it wasn't a PSU issue or an issue with the fact I am using 3 monitors, I unplugged an internal SATA drive, and everything else except for my primary monitor, KB and mouse. After changing the PCI-e slot of the GPU I had to reinstall the drivers completely. With my simplified setup I booted up Watch Dogs 2 and played for about 40 minutes max, before the same crash to desktop. So now I am very lost and open to any and all suggestions! I'm hoping it's a simple software issue. Also, I was having tab crashes with Chrome (mostly on YouTube) so I switched to Firefox but the tabs keep crashing on Firefox too. Perhaps this is related, I'm not sure.
When this issue began
After I installed the GTX 660 although I hadn't tried gaming before then.
Recurring issue
Yes
Date of purchase
N/A
Under Warranty
No
Cause/Steps to recreate the issue
Opening Planet Coaster or Watch Dogs 2 (and probably other games) and playing for 5-10 minutes.
What I've tried so far to resolve the issue
A lot! Covered above. There may be another couple things I have tried but forgot to include in the post. I did a lot of Googling about this issue before I made this post, but if I haven't mentioned it and you think I should have tried it, let me know.
submitted by ztiberiusd to computers [link] [comments]

CarlPeligro's Five Miracles

When you are young, old people will tell you that life is short. I've never found that sentiment convincing. Time does indeed seem to move along faster as we age, but the thought I'm struck by - as I pass the bulk of my 31st year sitting in a cubicle and trying to move the minute hand on the clock with my mind - is that life is unbelievably, astoundingly, tediously long.
Because life is so long, a lot happens in life. Very little of what happens around us is anything that we would consider miraculous, save for (perhaps) having a life in the first place. Mathematically speaking, though, it would be unlikely for any one of us who has survived into adulthood to go through life without witnessing - at least once or twice - something somewhat miraculous, or at least inexplicable, or something, in any case, that might be considered a glitch in the matrix. Mundane things happen all the time, but there's so much mundanity that the odds are very much in favor of our experiencing events so improbable that we'll have to loosely call them "miracles," I guess.
During my 31 years on earth, I have witnessed five such loosely called miracles, and I will detail them here. None of them are especially impressive. This leads me to think - because of how long and tedious my life has been - that true according-to-Hoyle miracles are exceedingly rare, or perhaps don't happen to anyone at all.
Miracle #1: My freshman year of college, I won a scholarship to study abroad in Berlin. This is not the miracle I'm writing about, though it was fairly miraculous given what a lazy-ass I was (and remain).
My classmates and I were hustling across some metro station or another to catch a train. I am prone to lateness and walk very slowly (even when hustling), so I'd fallen behind the rest of the group. I had time to glance over the banister of the stairwell and see that, two stories down, there was a gypsy sitting on the floor, playing a squeezebox for chump change. Following some impulse I still don't understand, I reached into my pocket and - as my classmates yelled at me to schnell the fuck up - I took out a fifty Eurocent coin and flicked it over the railing.
The coin dropped two stories and split the stairwell perfectly such that it landed in the general vicinity of the busker without hitting anything on the way down, and without hitting any Germans on the bottom floor, either. But I'd missed the accordion case by a good ten feet. Then, as I looked on, the coin bounced off the floor, leapt into the air, clinked off the wall above the busker's back, clinked off a second wall at the busker's side, and landed smack dab in the middle of his accordion case.
He kept playing, without noticing the coin or wondering where it had come from. None of my classmates had seen it, either. We wound up missing the train. I was one miracle richer but fifty Eurocents poorer, and everyone was pissed off at me for the rest of the night until they got drunk enough to forget.
Miracle #2: As a pizzafaced teenager, I used to work as a warehouse slave at a local zoo to remain nameless. It wasn't such a bad gig, being a warehouse slave. I got to drive a golf cart around the zoo in summer and ogle skimpily clad females of my own species, and other species, too. Free lukewarm chili dogs for lunch. When no one over the age of thirty was around, I got to lock myself in a warehouse, play with walkie-talkies, and nosh on all the animal crackers a boy could dream of. Life was good.
On one such dicking-around-in-the-warehouse sort of afternoon, I invented a game to amuse myself. I'd stolen a yellow highlighter pen and was drop-kicking it, catching it, and drop-kicking it again. The challenge was to kick it as high as possible, and then to catch the highlighter in increasingly acrobatic or challenging ways: behind the back, with my eyes closed, sitting on the floor, and so on.
On the drop-kick in question, I'd managed to punt the highlighter way up into the rafters of the warehouse. I lost it in the light and had no idea where it was going to land. I shielded my eyes like an outfielder and backtracked over the warehouse floor to make the catch. Nothing happened. I didn't hear the highlighter land. Neither had I heard it get lodged in the rafters. I was genuinely baffled for a minute or two. Then I glanced down and saw that the highlighter had latched itself perfectly to the rectangular plastic nametag on my chest. Again, nobody had seen what had happened. We'd run out of animal crackers so I spent several hours squeezing mustard packets into my mouth. I was a growing boy.
Miracle #3: You've probably noticed a trend by now: nobody witnessed these miracles other than me. Nobody witnessed Miracle #3, either. Other than me, of course. I could be making this all up, but you have to admit: these would be some pretty lame miracles to be lying about.
It was late, 1 AM on a Saturday night in summer. I was still a pizzafaced teenager and had done something or other to cheese my parents off, so there was no leaving the house. I was dicking around on the internet, probably trolling Yahoo! Chat for cybersex (as was the style at the time), my 4800 baud AT&T WorldNet connection firing on all cylinders, two Netscape Navigator windows sending my 386 motherboard into convulsions of exhausted delight.
In those days, the internet was as empty and unkind as the universe itself. There was no Reddit, no Huffington Post, no Instagram or Facebook. There was only Yahoo! Chat and the faint possibility of cybersex, and I wasn't having much luck that night. Everyone was elsewhere, getting actually laid. So I was sitting there in my boxers, twisting up paperclips into avant-garde blobs and pitching them at the trash can. I do have good aim when it comes to throwing objects in an unathletic capacity, so I seldom missed.
The paperclip in question, however, I'd let fall way short of its target. It landed two or three feet in front of the trash can. But instead of dying there, it rolled a full and complete arc, then it skipped up off the floor, tumbled end-over-end through the air, and landed in the trash can.
I brought this up to the men pretending to be girls in chat, hoping one of them would cyber with me. It impressed them even less than you'd think.
Miracle 4: Finally, a miracle that doesn't involve projectiles.
I must have been in college by this time. I was driving a shitty maroon 1993 Plymouth Acclaim. I'd stopped to fill it up with gas.
I did what most men do when they're pumping gas: I tried to guess the gallon total. I'd been doing this for years and I'd never fared very well at it. I'd guess three gallons and the car would suck up thirteen. I'd guess thirteen, and the pump would click instantly: the tank was already full. This time, I decided to up the ante. I made a wager with myself. The devil has cut you a deal: you guess the total exactly, down to the thousandth of a gallon, or else you go to hell. If you're correct, you go to heaven. If you're off one hair, even by a thousandth of a gallon, you go to hell. And that's that. Well, okay, I thought.
I watched the numbers scroll higher and higher. 6.389. 7.552. 8.310. I've never been superstitious or religious, but I started to get a bit nervous. Perhaps I shouldn't be gambling my immortal soul away at a Conoco station. They have Indian casinos for that sort of thing.
9.016. 10.113. Here we go. This is it. The moment of truth.
The pump clicked.
I'd guessed 10.786.
The meter read 10.785.
Perhaps the reader, at this point, is thinking: well, I can see how it might be miraculous if this dingus had guessed the total correctly, but how is it miraculous for him to guess incorrectly? That's just it. In making my little deal with the devil, I'd made sure to have him specify that I couldn't miss, not even by a thousandth of a gallon. And I'd missed by a thousandth of a gallon. So I was going to hell. There was something especially sadistic about the way it had turned out. I liked it.
I entertained the idea of squeezing out one last squirt of gas, to see if I could bring myself up to the total necessary to get into heaven, in the hopes that the devil wouldn't notice. But that would've been cheating. And there's a special layer of hell for dudes who cheat at the gas pump.
Miracle #5: After a long dry spell - Miracle #4 happened when I was 21 or so; I am now 31 - the miraculous crept back into my life just a couple months ago. I've actually shared this one with /Glitch_in_the_Matrix before, and I think I've typed enough today, so I will repost my description of the fifth Miracle, at the risk of being called a faggot.
I call this one the Classic Creedence Clearwater Revival Glitch.
"I hopped in the car and fired up the engine. I take after The Dude himself in that I'm a total lazy-ass with an undying love for Creedence Clearwater Revival. So it shouldn't come as too surprising (given my CCR-to-CD/R ratio) that Creedence popped on the car stereo. Song: 'Up Around the Bend.'
As I backed out of the driveway, I hesitated and decided that I was a bit burnt out on CCR and ejected the CD. The stereo switched over to its default channel, the local oldies station, and check it: 'Up Around the Bend' by CCR was playing, which fact alone wouldn't have been a coincidence worth mentioning, but the song picked up exactly where the CD had left off, John Fogerty's quintessentially Fogertian YEAHHH! at the 1:27 mark, just before the guitar wankery. It wasn't quite a perfectly seamless transition because of the half-second it took to switch over to radio. It had the feel of a CD skip. But thinking about the sheer odds involved in it all creeps me out in a way that nobody but Ween is allowed to creep me out."
I am running out of characters to type. I didn't expect to sit down and write all this out. Thanks for reading.
With no further ado, - Carl Peligro
submitted by CarlPeligro to Glitch_in_the_Matrix [link] [comments]

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