10 Best Betting Companies in Nigeria (2021) – Nigerian

Alright here we go the "unofficial guide to simblitzing that probably is way too soon and doesn't apply to half your teams" To begin with this is just personal anecdote and we all know that the plural of anecdote is data and not anecdotes, so throw out the entire salt shaker and don't take any grains of salt with this, this is definitely not a guideline and is ironclad.
So first off, parameters: My TCP is 5.5mil, ymmv. I'll give team powers and highlight individuals in the team that are essentially afterthoughts and lynchpins. This also doesn't go for anything lower than 8.0-8.3, at this time I don't have doc ock, ultimus, doom, pryde, or yelena. Nearly every character is 4red Xyellow (4-6) star rank and between lv50-60, 5/5/5/3 GT8 or higher and I'll note outliers as I go. Unless I say otherwise, for iso they are remanx suggestions at iso3, meta characters are iso4, throwaways may or may not have any iso, and none of them are iso5. Unless noted, they are assuming you hit that beautiful little orange simulate match button, all statements are for simulations only. So let's get started:
UNIVERSAL RULES 1) Mirror Matches are a NONO. You will get fucked, beware. 2) the war favorable matchups are great to use with the major exceptions of: hydra teams, mercs, shield, asgardians, and xforce 3) don't fight BO. They will nearly always win. Save your credits. 4) the powers of the teams don't change as you switch teams within that power bracket, so always start with the lowest powered team in that grouping. Example: you have 3 teams at 137k, 129k, and 152k, start with the 129 one as the first team you find matches with sets the total power for your match ups. The 129 one will generate a 175, 188, 196 match up group vs the 152 one that pulls 202,212, and 227. Always start with the lowest team to generate match ups even if you have already used them. I do not have the information to determine whether brackets are universal or player specific, nor do I have enough data to determine if they shift with your team growth, that takes time and data which again I have a serious lack of both.
THE AWESOME TEAMS These teams win like DJ Khalid, heed the universal rules up top and blindly press that simulate button for the most part, even the danger teams will occasionally get bent by these guys.
BLACK ORDER (475k, 6red Thanos, all the T4s I can put into them, GT13 all around if not GT14) as high can take them. This team has yet to lose a match for me, if they did I do not remember it on account of refreshing them all day and winning nearly all of them.
SYMBIOTES (400k, 6red venom, 5red carnage & SSM, the 3 important ones are GT14, the other two are GT12. T4s in all SSM, carn pass, AV all but basic) they kill most everything, with some caveats big Phoenixes, BB, and defenders. Defenders will always win simulations and mostly lose manually.
EMMARAUDERS (325k, 6red Mr. S, GT14 Emma and Mr. S, mystique, ST, stryfe are meh) beat just about anything. DANGER: ultron will fuck this team over on sims, either manually do it and copy ultron, or avoid him altogether. Defenders for some reason always win, it's infuriating.
X-MEN (300k, 6red PHX, 5red Col, both are GT14, I use psy and wolv, you can use drax and mantis since they're clearly xmen and this guide is the end all be all.) have yet to lose with them, they kill pretty much everything but the obvious BO.
INHUMANS (250k, BB is 6red GT14 with nearly all T4s, yoyo and crystal are GT12, yoyo has T4s in her passive and basic, the others are filler, I may not even have iso on the fillers) Aside from the occasional wtf how did you lose that match, no issues mindlessly tap away.
ASGARDIANS (250k, 5red loki, GT14 hela, GT12 others, T4s in hela ult/pass, loki ult) This is the first wonky team, they will lose matchups that you wouldn't think possible, and will slap down better teams on accident. Avoid defenders, guardians, and symbiotes. Other than that heavy debuff teams will destroy this team, avoid those, and this team kills everything else.
BROTHERHOOD (200K, 5red mags, no T4s, I use blob and toad) don't sim against defenders, shield, and xmen, other than that I've had them beat symbiotes, inhumans, asgardians, etc.
POWERTRON (200K, GT13 ultron, 7red ultron bc why not, T4s in ultron passive, ult, super) from the description you're well aware that this is the ultron show, they win anything really, minus the defenders/GotG/technerva (again). I run rescue, IH, WM, falcon. They kill it. And by they I mean ultron, the peanut gallery can sit in the corner.
AIM (200k, 5red grav/SciS/mon/sec, [I know, it's a sign] GT13 SciS, GT12 others, T4s in SciS pass, I use monstrosity, but my shitty monster is 14k and exists solely to make grav better. ) this team beats noncleansers, stay away from defenders/groot/PA/PHX and psy/symbs. Depending on who the 20k is in the matchup, they can beat asgardians(loki), inhumans(BB), and SPN(DrS).
PYM TECH (125k, ghost is king, none of them are over GT8, 5/5/5/3, Lv50) Surprisingly resilient, stay away from meta teams but they beat the middle tiers, dunno how or why, but I'll take it.
*** THE CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR TEAMS*** These can beat even matchups, but since those are rare, I tend to drop down and use them to clear 8.1 and 8.2 matches or check their matchups at 8.3 and then use a better team to reset their matchups.
SHIELD (225K, NF/sec at GT13, coulson/medic at GT12, ass man is an even 14k with no iso) they beat teams without the capstone characters, xmen without Phoenix, etc. They WILL NOT beat defenders, who have magic simblitz skills. But can take most even matchups.
SHMERCS (shuri and TM are GT13/iso4 others are GT12/iso3, no T4s) I have killmonger here since I don't want to build wakandans or skillitary, screw your red star event, you can't make me. These guys will break everything without AOE strippers, or for some reason, young avengers.
TECHNERVA (275k, GT13 groot/SL/rocket, GT14 minn, vision is filler, T4s in SL supepass, groot pass, and all minn) if you put T4s in minn you should be jailed for hate crimes. NO. This team kills debuffers, glass cannons, and tech heavy teams. Inhumans will annihilate you. Actually does well against ultron comps.
SUPERNATURAL (250k, 5red mordo, GR, GT13 GR. T4s in mordo pass/super, GR pass/ult, DrS pass) avoid anything with cleanse or AOEs, especially great against bursty buff teams.
YOUNG CAPTAIN MARVENGERS (150k, CM is GT13, T4 in her passive, I don't remember if the others aside from MsM are even at GT8, she's GT12.) similar to power armor, 1 toon show, and everything else is just to make them better (so are xmen, Sin6, inhumans, and half the teams listed here, quit bitching) not sure about the hard caps or even what works well here, can beat some meta teams at 8.2, but the 8.3 jump neuters the team.
THE ZEMOS (150k, zemo is GT12, [complete failure I know] KP and the others are GT8, except WS who is almost GT6, bc he's not important) another one man show team, anything zemo can beat this team can beat better, if they stop zemo, you're fucked. I have good results manualing 8.3 here. Fast AOEs will end this team. How are defenders countering everything?
AVENGERS (150k, 5red cap/widow, GT12 cap/widow, 6red GT8 17k hulk, iso1 for hulk, hawk, and IM) I need to make hulk thicc, but not now. They'll probably be safe at higher levels if they aren't half crap like mine. They beat most not amazing teams at 8.2, but don't make the 8.3 jump
WTF YOU WEREN'T THIS BAD BEFORE TEAMS These teams are good elsewhere and somehow drop the ball hard in simblitz, manual them, do the first 3 moves and hit auto and you'll probably win, hit sim and you'll lose 9 times out of 10.
XFORCE (225K, 5red cable/x23, all GT12 6/6/6/4 iso3) How in the ever loving fuck do they lose so often? They barely win neutral matchups in 8.1/8.2, it's unbelievable, I still don't understand why. I only manual with them bc they're basically a fire hazard in a concrete room.
RED SKULL (150k, 6red rifle trooper, 5 red scientist, GT10 5/5/5/3 iso2 across the board, skull, trooper, and guard have iso3) these are just to make people use strong zemo/BB in war, I'd say avoid those, but it's easier to just avoid everything. On the plus side, they tend to murder defenders manually, manual them, don't sim, if they kill skull quit.
CRAPTASTIC FOUR (225k, 5red MrF, GT13 IW, rest are either close or getting close to GT12, I use namor, my she hulk is a strong 6k on a good day) No idea how they manage to lose neutral matchups in 8.1/8.2. You'd think they'd be able to not be terrible but you'd be wrong. Manual them against defenders/low tier teams/ randos without meta characters.
THE NOT GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY, WHO ARE ALSO BAD These are Liabilities that require great matchups to win at 8.0/8.1, so much so that they can start fires underwater.
PUNFENDERS (250k, nothing to see here, T4 DD pass, Pun pass/basic, IF pass, JJ basic) Here it is folks, the star of the show. How did I spend so many T4s on them? I should be shot on principle. Only fight not sin6 villains, that aren't all the meta team villains, so.. Kree. And BH2.0 since they're made to beat them in an even match. Otherwise you're hoping for a random group of ravagers. Nice to see they counter everyone on the other side, and do nothing on this side.
KREEJECTS (125k, Ronan and kree minions, cyborg gets tossed. Literally nothing to see here, I think Ronan has iso2 if any) if you get a good, random match UP at 8.0, take it manually. Never ever simblitz this team.
SIN6/8/14/33 DOES IT MATTER HOW MANY YOU ADD? (125K, 5 red mysterio/electro, 5/5/5/3, GT8) I have not gotten Doc Ock since I began typing this, so they're still trash. fight defenders/spidermen(not symbiotes) and you can squeeze out a win for 8.1/8.2. But I'd still manual it in case the punisher decides you lose in Sims. I now have a 5y4r lv70 GT13 6/6/6/4 Doc Oc. Running swarm electro rhino mysterio and total team power is 200k. This team handles most other teams with ease, avoid x-men, defenders of course, and SPN. Otherwise have fun at 8.3, Doc is ridiculously good.
THE WHITE FLAGS OF SURRENDER free losses for everyone
I'm not gonna bother you with team details:
HAND - the rework is a lie RAVAGERS/NN-why did you build her, vets? SHITTY RANDOMS - yours might be different, mine are merc soldier, merc sniper, she hulk, aim infector, spiderman. Things I will not build regardless of how many red stars you heap on me.
Which brings us to the last group THE FRANKENSTEINS These teams are piecemeal from extras for other teams, or incompletes, or stand alones, and each match is a toss up at 8.1/8.0. I'd manual if you really want the wins.
X-TRAS (125K, 5red beast, iso3 on beast and storm) beast storm Longshot Shatterstar and drax, they actually win quite often, but I hit auto just in case. Have put a few resources now into dadbros, I'm confident taking them into 8.1 and a few 8.2 matches, once I drop lots of resources into them they will carry in 8.3 possibly
WAKANDAWHATNOWS (100k, 5 red mbaku) no iso, mbaku is 8k, oko and BP, shield trooper, shield op. they might win 8.0 probably not, don't risk it.
VILLAINS (125K, nothing of note) bullseye, kree cyborg, korath, goblin, swarm I don't even remember what GT they are, might win manually at 8.0 but I wouldn't bet more than a nickel on it.
THE PUNCHING BAGS(125K) Sentry, aim researcher, gam, nebula, I forget the other one, but it doesn't matter, set them on fire and leave them on someone's doorstep.
Like I said up top, this is essentially written in stone and applies to everyone regardless of team power and stats, has zero flaws, and comes with a bridge the son of the deposed king of Nigeria wants to sell you. Give me a bit and I'll link a Google spreadsheet with my personal team info, I'll have to make a legend for it as I never really intended to share it until a friend online suggested I do it and we all know that when strangers online ask for something you give it to them.
Side Note: Mods let me know if I swear too much and I'll edit the swearing not sarcastically at all.

Predicting the Santa Cruz Warriors roster for the G-League Bubble

By request: My Recap of the Leaked Tell-All video.

Pos	Starter	Bench
PG	Jeremy Lin	Isaiah Reese
SG	Ryan Taylor	Elijah Pemberton
SF	Michael Gbinije	Axel Toupane
PF	Roger Moute A Bidias	Dwayne Sutton
C	Deyonta Davis	Kaleb Wesson

A slow descent into madness: an exhaustive recap of the tell all leak
Supposedly the leaked video (clocking in at 10+ hours) was the second day filming.
I watched the entire thing. This is a rambling list of the thoughts going through my mind while watching, and a fairly comprehensive timeline / summary of events, or at least the juiciest parts. I believe it becomes fairly obvious when my mental state started to decline - I was well into the 5th hour by then.
Part 1: David
The show begins an hour into the video.
A lot of time was spent on David. Asking David the same questions, hoping he’d get a clue. Instead he doubled down on his delusion.
David started in this endeavor by going on two trips with a friend over 20 years ago. He states he did not like it - 25 guys meeting 400 women in a big bar. He said it was horrible - he called the women aggressive and professional daters. He went on another trip with 10 guys meeting maybe 40 women in different cities. He describes receiving catalogs of women and selecting specific ones to meet on the trip. A friend he met on one of these trips introduced him to a web site in 2007.
Lana does not work for the web site or get paid. According to David, the web sites are US sites, they contract through the agency that vets the “girls”. He insists Lana derives no income from the web site or agency. It’s illegal for him to contact her directly? He pays in order to not be scammed.
He has known Lana for 7 years. She was too young at the start - he won’t “date” anyone under 25. He wasn’t talking to Lana for 2.5 years. He’s “dated” 30 girls in Ukraine when he wasn’t talking to Lana. He’s been to Ukraine 20 times. He’s been engaged twice to women over there (and twice in America.)
David says Lana is very poor. Has very few clothes and possessions. She only has five pairs of shoes and gets a new pair of sneakers every 3 years or so. She doesn’t speak English. He bought her an iPhone to talk directly but she doesn’t like the keyboard because of her long fingernails. She can’t talk directly to him on the computer because the agency owns the laptop and monitors activity.
He’s spent $250,000 to $300,000 on “dating” on these sites. He claims he’s a millionaire so the money is no object.
Friends of David appear, say their piece, then disappear.
Cesar appears. David had talked to Maria years ago. Said she was high maintenance.
Yolanda and Usman join in. Usman has poor connection. Usman leaves.
A wild Tom appears. Tom compliments Yolanda’s weight loss. Says he’s not hitting on her, just complimenting her.
Tom doesn’t watch much of the show. Says David is his “fast forward couple”.
Cesar says he visited Maria. Maria wasn’t happy he showed up. But she met him, they took photos, she asked to see his phone and he realized later she deleted the photos. They spent 10 days together, he got a couple of pecks on the cheek and lips? But no intimacy. Specified no tongue. Maria was “pissed off” that he showed up, refused to meet Cesar if the cameras were there. Wanted him to buy her a $500 pair of shoes and $300 dinner.
Tom asks if he packed the chocolate panties. Cesar said he took the beaded candy ones.
Yolanda said Cesar DMd her and left his phone number. Cesar says Yolanda is beautiful and that he “loves chocolate” with a Pervy laugh. But he says he was just reaching out as friends. Shaun asks Cesar if he DMs Tom. Tom confirms that he did, and that the alumni reach out to each other.
Shaun asks Yolanda if she would date Cesar, she replies with an emphatic no.
David went back to Ukraine and met Lana. They kissed, no other intimacy. He proposed, she accepted (they show clips.) Lana is still on the dating sites. David is still on the dating sites because Lana is. Lana is still on the site because that’s where her only friends are, David basically describes her as a shut in with no friends.
At one point later in the show he drops the bombshell “love has nothing to do with it.”
Ed appears. He’s holding Teddy (against the dog’s will) on his lap. Ed shouts into his mic. He yells repeatedly about David being scammed for the better part of 18 minutes.
David gets excitable. Yells about this being bullshit. Yells at Tom that Darcey was still talking to other guys.
The current status of the relationship? David thinks they’re not together. He hasn’t communicated with Lana in 6 days. But their engagement hasn’t been broken. So they’re engaged but no longer together?
Lana refuses to participate because she’s getting hate mail from guys who have seen the show accusing her of being a scammer.
Stephanie appears.
Stephanie says she thinks it’s disgusting that Lana is being discussed like she’s a commodity. Points out that their relationship is transactional. David and Ed are screaming at each other over her. Stephanie Commends David for not worrying about spending $100,000 while Ed freaked out about spending $2.
A clip of David proposing to Lana with a prop fake ring shows. David says the jeweler advises not buying a real diamond because he didn’t know her ring size. Says she wants to choose her own ring.
Return to Ed and David arguing.
Usman appears.
David is getting heated.
Bottom Line: David’s retiring to move to Ukraine, but started the K1 process.
Shaun wraps the segment with David still arguing at the 3-hour mark. Shaun leaves (possibly to drink heavily - I would be if I was her.) I forgot to note that at some point Tom made a remark to Ed about him not being able to see his toes. It was a joke, but went completely missed by everyone else.
David, Ed, Stephanie and Usman chit chat. Usman sings a bit.
Part 2: Yolanda
We resume at 3:30 with Yolanda.
Yolanda had the flu at the beginning of December. She was in a coma for a month and was on a ventilator for 3 weeks. Her kidneys and liver were failing. Her doctor now believes she had Covid-19.
She did not hear from Williams during that time. She heard from him just a couple of months ago. She didn’t tell him about her coma, he was talking about his aunt dying so it “didn’t come up.”
He didn’t reach out directly, he went through “sweetberry” (?) on Instagram to ask if he could contact her again.
Yolanda’s daughter and a PI the daughter hired join in. PI says the accounts have ties to Nigerian scammers.
Usman joins. He knows nothing about Nigerian scammers, doubts they’re Nigerian.
Usman leaves. Darcey joins. She’s wearing a platinum blonde wig, primping a bit, trying to center herself on the bed she’s sitting on. She’s nodding along to absolutely nothing, shaking her head and smiling periodically like she’s involved in a totally different conversation than we are seeing.
Daughter and PI leave. Shaun asks Darcey what she thinks about Yolanda and Williams. Darcey goes into a spiel about being a target and people on IG preying on her. Starts talking about Jesse and Tom. Says she spent a lot of money on Jesse, says she helped Tom financially and bought him clothes and gifts. Goes into a tangent of non-specific items, won’t provide a direct answer on how much she spent but finally claims she spent $2000 on Tom.
Erika appears.
Shaun tries to get back on the topic of Yolanda and Willams. Shaun asks Erika about her opinion on The Williams mystery IG account and the blackmail.
Darcey uses that opportunity to talk about being targeted by a “network of people” that was calculated by “people in different countries to target certain people around the world.”
“Maybe Nigeria was a part of it, Maybe England was a part of it”. After Tom, Darcey says she met someone who targeted her, says it was a couple she knew and Tom was a part of it, says IP addresses traced to Nottingham and there’s a network of people targeting women around the world.
Darcey claims her second time in Amsterdam she was robbed while shopping after Jesse told her to leave her passport if she was going out shopping. Later says pickpocketed. Implies that the robbery was a setup by Jesse.
Shaun tries to redirect the subject back to Yolanda and Williams.
Lisa appears.
Lisa jumps right in with her expertise about Yahoo Boys, G-Men and grooming people. Darcey drops off and Usman reappears.
Lisa’s gravelly voice takes on a fake Nigerian accent as they yell “baby love” at each other.
Lisa goes on about her social media expertise. Explains the three different cultures of Nigeria. She tells Yolanda to join the Facebook Group SSA: Scamming Scammers Action that Lisa is a big part of.
They convince Yolanda to try to call Williams on speakerphone. No answer.
Lisa is also an expert in African and Nigerian accents FYI.
Erika leaves. David reappears.
Lisa dominates the conversation. Keeps recounting conversations and events of hackings and stuff.
Lisa starts talking about Blood Rituals. Sacrifices. Money rituals. Voodoo dolls. Kidnappings. Killing people to bring luck in scamming people. They believe in black magic and juju. Lisa and Usman keep interrupting each other. Usman has never heard of this. Lisa insists this is real. Go to SSA on Facebook, all the proof is there.
Yolanda, David and Shaun are stunned silent.
Usman is trying to fact check Lisa’s completely far-fetched theories. Lisa purses her beak.
Finally, Shaun redirects.
Yolanda says she’s done. If she hears from Williams again she’s done.
Yolanda is getting DMs all the time offering to FaceTime her. David tells her to go get her Groove back in Jamaica. Yolanda and David both get DMs encouraging them to hook up since they’re both in Vegas.
We are 5 hours 10 minutes in. Let’s see a clip! We see Lana before she met David. She’s at the gym. She’s walking around Kiev in a silver puffer jacket and Nikes. She using her iPhone (with her short nails) to take pictures. She’s shopping for makeup. She’s sipping a latte in a cafe while typing on her laptop. She’s talking to a friend on her iPhone. She talks about America. She knows that you can get married quickly in Las Vegas. She tells her friend she has an exciting day tomorrow “I’m meeting an American.” Her friend asks if he’s wealthy.
Shaun points out the inconsistencies in Lana’s apparent poverty and David’s understanding of her circumstances. David says “that’s not real”.
We spent the next 10 minutes or so with Yolanda, Usman, Lisa and Shaun trying to talk some sense into David. It doesn’t work.
Shaun leaves for a break.
Ash appears. We spend the next while discussing quarantine. Ash hadn’t heard about Yolanda being sick, his eyes get wide when he hears her coma tale.
They’re talking about lockdowns and restrictions and being able to go where you want. David thinks they’re talking about Ash being able to visit the US on his Australian passport.
Lisa’s ex-husband just got out of prison.
David lives in a rental house that’s being sold in a month.
Yolanda asks if people read their tweets.
Lisa has a stalker with 25 accounts. Lisa now has her phone number and address. She’s going to have her arrested and “put charges against her”.
David gets death threats.
Back to Yolanda and the Covid.
David leaves.
Tom returns. He asks how many bottles of lube Lisa and Usman used raw dogging it. She said none - I’m guessing she just peed on him a la Dinyell.
More R-rated banter. Lisa tells Tom to ask about Usman refusing to join the mile high club.
Ash looks stunned into silence. Maybe a bit frightened. He’s retreated to his nothing box.
Usman tries to explain about the 70%, that it’s a B and a compliment. Tom asks why she paid twice the going rate for a goat.
Lots of goat talk. Peeing goat talk. Showering the goat. Walking in sandals through mud and goat shit.
Tom makes a crack about not being the only cast members showering with animals. Ash asks about Ed showering with Rosemarie’s father? Then his feed goes out.
Lisa starts talking about gross food. Tom are goat brain in Albania. Lisa starts everything with “Usman, tell them about the time...” then just talks over him to tell the story herself.
Stephanie appears.
Ed appears.
Usman leaves. Lisa tells them about the armed convoy everywhere they went. Ed wants to know about the goat. More goat tales.
7 hour 10 minute mark.
Part 3: Lisa and Usman
Shaun is back with Lisa and Usman. We lose Usman.
Lisa had surgery.
She hurt her baby toe before going to Nigeria. Ruptured a blood vessel. It swelled up in Africa. Returned to the US with a dead/dying toe. Got infected, went gangrenous, was amputated.
Usman returns.
The next segment is insufferable.
Usman says Lisa calls him a N***** frequently. Lisa screams about opening a can of worms.
Usman asks if American women are all like this.
Lisa and Usman are married but keep blocking each other.
Lisa is Usman’s first serious relationship.
Lisa freaks out about women on Usman’s comments and in his DMs.
Says she’s seen the other girls Usman dated, they’re “3 times my size”.
They fight about Trish Playtas.
Lisa talks over Usman. Yells, curses, threatens.
Enter Giant and Aba (?) after 25 minutes of toxic bullshit.
Lisa talks about getting “gangbanged”. (I think she means ganged up on, but she’s so cringe who can tell.)
Lisa has a screaming match. Hangs up because she was “mistreated and disrespected”.
Enter Lisa’s friend Nikki.
Nikki screams about disrespect for the next forever. Lisa returns.
There’s endless raspy screeching about bitches, clowns, motherfuckers and more disrespect. Fuck you. Fuck outta here.
Shaun loses all control.
Aba and Nikki scream at each other some more.
Shaun gives up. She is writing something just below the screen. I suspect it’s her resignation letter.
Finally Shaun redirects the conversation. She brings up the polygamy.
If Lisa has an egg and can tote it, Usman doesn’t want another wife. If Lisa can’t squat and hatch Usman’s offspring, he will take another wife.
Cue Lisa’s expertise on polygamy.
Clip Roll: the night before the wedding, Lisa storms off and disrespects Usman’s brothers the night before the wedding.
Lisa cackles.
Avery and Ed appear.
Usman and Lisa keep arguing.
Shaun asks Avery’s perception. Avery asks “where is the love?” All she sees is them screaming over each other and assert themselves.
Before Lisa can respond Ed jumps in.
Lisa calls the kettle black and says Avery and Ed aren’t portrayed well.
Ed started to watch the show after he decided to be on it.
Ed compliments Usman for being calm and respectful and not using any foul words.
Lisa Cackles. Ed calls her a bull in a china shop “no disrespect”. Says he thought she was the definition of a narcissist, but says she’s actually the definition of delusional.
Lisa interrupts. Usman starts singing. Lisa and Ed scream over each other. Lisa tells Avery to shut up, says she went on Ed’s live drunk and making an ass of herself. Ed keeps screaming “delusional”. Lisa calls Avery a drunk. Avery tells Usman “not all American women are like that”, Lisa rebounds with “that’s why Ash dumped your ass.” Ed tells Usman there are many more nicer women.
Ed: she treated you like a piece of shit. She treated you like a slave.
Lisa: you are a piece of shit!
Ed: you made America Sick!
Lisa: Ed Fuck You! Fuck You!
Lisa: you abused Rose to go on this show because no fucking other woman would! You fucking used her (x 5). Shut the fuck up.
More screaming over each other.
Usman begs Ed to calm down.
Lisa: you’re going to let this fucking pervert who’s got charges for sexual harassment... you’re going to let this idiot come at me with the fucking charges he’s got? This fucking pervert has been grooming women. The women are coming out of the woodwork saying Ed has molested them, he’s groomed them, and god only knows what the fuck else he did to them.
More screaming.
Ed: the internet is fake!
Lisa: Harry (producer) remove these two right now!
Lisa calls them Thing 1 and Thing 2 and demands Harry remove them.
Ed gets cut.
Lisa continues to scream at Avery about glass houses.
Tom appears.
Usman is yelling now.
Shaun tries to gain control.
Tom: I was nervous delivering that letter to Darcey but coming in to this conversation is wild!
Shaun brings up the polygamy subject again.
Lisa might move to Nigeria for The Other Way.
Shaun disappears.
Avery drops.
Lisa says “Tom, this is all for show. It’s a dog and horse, pony show I call it.”
Tom blows smoke up her ass. His idea of love is apparently jealousy, anger and disrespect. He says it’s obvious they love each other because apparently only people truly in love can be that hateful and vicious and angry to each other.
Shaun is back. Darcey appears. Usman is singing. Darcey is swaying to Soja Boy, slurring, “do it big! Lisa, Be the queen!”
Darcey’s been in the sauce.
Usman tells Lisa to cover her bra.
More second wife talk.
Tom asks a question about what kind of second wife Usman would have. Darcey says something. Shaun asks Lisa a question. Usman freaks out and screams “Tom asked me a question, let me answer the question”. This leads to Lisa screaming at Shaun about disrespecting Usman, screams at the producer “you better tell this hostess to shut her mouth” shut up! Shut up!”
Usman keeps yelling. Shaun trying to calm everyone.
Lisa: Barb! Barb! Barb! Do you hear me? It’s time to cut her now! Barb! Cut her now! Barb! Cut the fucking thing, cut it now! She’s disrespecting Usman! Fucking stop it! Stop it barb! Fuck off!
Darcey looks like a confused bobble head.
Lisa hangs up.
Usman and Darcey talk about Trish Playtas.
Darcey: things are don’t differently in America, I’ve been in the entertainment industry way before Tom, way before Jesse.
Usman starts to explain going live with Trish.
Lisa returns.
Part 4: Wrap Ups and “where does your relationship stand?”
Shaun turns to Darcey and Tom, asks where the future of their relationship is. Lisa and Usman respond loudly, not letting them talk.
Finally, Lisa and Usman are gone.
Tom: friends maybe blah blah blah great mom, good person, wish you the best.
Darcey: my journey, my daughters, my brother who passed blah blah blah don’t want toxic negativity
Ash and Avery return: same question
Ash is worried about his hair being cut off on the screen.
Ash started the journey with the intent to propose. Says he loves her. Breaking up was the hardest thing. Future is going to be looking after his family.
Ash answers the question in a concise, straight forward manner.
Just kidding. He uses a lot of words to absolutely avoid answering anything.
Avery says this is a hard question to ask someone who just separated. She trails off. I think... I don’t... I wanted... honestly...
Erika and Stephanie return: where do you stand?
Not even friends. Can they ever be friends?
Stephanie says best case is friends from afar.
Erika says they’ve been friends and fought many many times. She came in today wanting to speak and wasn’t able to do that, but doesn’t hold any hate. It’s going to be hard to see any of this in a positive light.
Erika didn’t get a change to express that she took a big step coming out to her parents then Stephanie dumped her the next morning.
Stephanie came out to her mom too apparently, but it wasn’t like Erika’s coming out (receptive and kind).
Pick up lines:
Asking what they’ve been doing during the quarantine, will air at the beginning of the show.
(Erika makes earrings!)
Shaun has to rephrase the question to Stephanie to ask specifically about... HER ILLNESS!
Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Yolanda wrap up: no more online dating. She’s going to meet men at the market or the casino. Old school.
Ed wrap up: who cares.
Ok. I guess we do.
Shaun asks about the shower. I just can’t listen to him anymore. Then she asks about the first night they were intimate. I’m going to barf.
Ed takes full responsibility for “not the things I did, but the way I did them”. Rose is mad at him right now. She wanted to reconcile February 9.
Ed is taking a break from dating (sorry ladies!) but Rose taught him to love again and “she didn’t destroy me like my first marriage did.”
His mom is moving in with him. But she’s a nurse so hasn’t moved in yet. Ed’s mom is a nurse caring for a young child with a tracheostomy.
Ed sucks, but a round of applause for Mother Ed is deserved.
David wrap up:
David is going to retire earlier than planned because of the recession resulting from the quarantine.
Shaun asks about the first kiss.
David says something about bowling. He bowls 4 strikes with Lana.
The girls in Ukraine love bowling but don’t get to do that. So he takes them. He bets kisses for every strike he bowls.
Lana is upset over the publicity from the show. Gets physically ill in front of the camera.
If she won’t come to the US or dumps him, he will live part time in the Ukraine - 3 months at a time - to continue dating women there.
It’s over. Thank God.

OBLIGATORY FILLER MATERIAL – AN EXTRA! “The story can now be told.” Part 1

That reminds me of a story.
One that can now be told. And action taken.
Now that Esme and I are safely out of the Middle East for good, there is a story from a while back I have been planning to write. It’s going to be scathing, derogatory, call spades ‘fucking shovels’, and name names.
It is about the time I was arrested on bullshit, trumped-up civil charges and thrown into a Muscat Jail until I could come up with 10,000 Omani Rials (US$26,000) to purchase my freedom.
In the 20 or so years my family and I lived and worked in the Sultanate, most were responsible for good memories.
This one event, late in our tenure in Oman, soured it so thoroughly I can recommend Oman to no one wanting to visit the Middle East; much like disrecommending the Middle East for anything travel related. Sure there’s the Little Switzerland in Musandam to the north and the banana groves and frankincense trees in Shalala to the south; but everywhere in Oman you will have to deal with the sad-sacks, flubadubs and third rate hobbyists known as the ROP and the ones pulling their strings, the Diwan of the High Court.
The ROP is shorthand for Royal Omani Police. Or ‘Royal Ostrich Pluckers’ if you’re feeling chipper or the ‘Royally Officious Pricks’ if you’re feeling normal.
They are the most ignorant, ill-informed, indolent group of idiots with which you’ll be forced to tolerate.
Fully composed of Omani locals, it is a ringing testament to the efficacy of the country’s all-encompassing “Omanization” program.
It’s like the flipside of equal employment here in the states.
Here not only do they ‘legally’ discriminate on race, creed, and color; they don’t discriminate on ability.
Because they wouldn’t know the process of law, civil rights, or jurisprudence if it walked up to them, shook their hand, and pissed all over their shoes.
So, before we begin, let me note that this opus will be a wee bit exposition-heavy. I need to set the scene as I realize most of my readers will either think I’m making all this up out of whole cloth or be convinced it’s some sort of Doc Rocknocker potato-juice and citrus inspired fever dream.
I wish.
This is the story as it happened, in all its inglorious bastardry. Some might think its hyperbole, but I assure you, this is how it went down…
When my youngest daughter graduated from the American School in Muscat, Esme and I decided that since things were at a crossroads, both for my career and the oil industry. It was time to take a furlough, travel back to the states and get a little body work done. I was needing a valve job as I had a congenital heart murmur. It hadn’t been a problem until my later 50’s, but was now kicking up and giving me fits.
As in, it leaked. Therefore my heart was working overtime pushing bodily hemorrhagic hydraulic fluid around my not inconsiderable physique. I was down to around 15% efficiency on the outstroke when I was checked into a local teaching hospital located in FIB-land; that benighted state immediately south of Baja Canada.
It was there instead of the fine medical facilities of Baja Canada as Daughter #1 was studying for her DVM at a main FIB-land campus. Besides, I found out that I’d been having several semi-painless heart attacks, or ‘events’, as my cardiologist termed them, and was in no shape to travel.
This was just after flying some 17,500 Km from the Middle East.
Go figure.
I was slated to undergo a double-bypass and valve job, utilizing a bovine valve as I was too large for a typical human cadaver or porcine valve. However I needed 3 months to get back into fine fighting form before I could handle the open-heart surgery.
This was going to be a very long three months, indeed.
Now, exposition time.
In our stay in Muscat for the 18 previous years, we’ve had our identities stolen a total of three times. Someone, as it was discovered, inside Bank Muscat was taking and selling credit card, bank account, and associated financial information. These were being sold to villains, thieves, knee-walking turkeys, and other forms of marchers in the constant parade of human debris globally.
I’d get notifications of plane tickets being charged to my account in Lagos, mattresses and bedding in Mexico City, and meals and groceries in Buenos Aires.
All with the same timestamp.
Either I was the Flash or my credit info had been, if you’ll pardon the pun, swiped again.
I had to show up in Ruwi, the municipal borough south of Muscat. Then go to the Bank Muscat headquarters with my passport and prove that I wasn’t simultaneously in Nigeria, Mexico, and Argentina.
Thereupon, I’d sit with a yellow marker, a straightedge, and a sour countenance.
I was marking those entries that were not legitimate. I used a lot of yellow marker back in those days. It cost the bank hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Omani Rials in write-downs.
Yet, it happened again about a year later, and again just before we left the Sultanate for our medical sabbatical.
It was this last one that was the catalyst for this entry.
I did the needful, sat with the head of credit fraud, marked out the illegitimate purchases, this time from Lisbon, St. Petersburg, Cape Town, and Bogotá. I produced my passport proving I wasn’t in Portugal, Russia, South Africa and Colombia yesterday; the date of all the false purchases.
True, there were about OR 1,500 in legitimate charges, for which we paid and for which I had receipts.
Well, this is where things went all sideways.
We left the Sultanate and I was getting back in shape for open-heart surgery. Esme and our Daughters were out shopping; but oddly enough they never used the Bank Muscat card as I had closed the account and destroyed the card.
Or so I had thought.
Anyways, ninety days later, my surgery went off without a hitch. I was, in fact, out on the street a scant six days after my new implant; a new hospital record. They also fitted me for a pacemaker and all the associated wiring, as typically people with new valves after some number of years invariably require a ticker-timer.
Science, people. It’s causality and correlation in this case.
So, I have about 50 feet of wire and a case for a pacemaker implanted in my chest. It’s a special case, one that’s intrinsically safe as I mentioned that I work with a lot of high energy Radio Frequency and high energy explosives. Since I don’t have the actual ticker-timer implanted yet, and hopefully never will, they’ve made notes to use a special type of shielded pacemaker unit inside the intrinsically safe case.
It would be, what we in the industry call a ‘bad thing’ to have a pacemaker operating at the same frequency as a remote radio-controlled detonator. They will take steps to ensure that doesn’t happen.
Nice, guys. Thanks.
So, I’m recovering at the hotel when Esme walks in after a lunch and shopping, looking like white death. Her back hurts, like a case of very severe indigestion or esophagitis, but it always responds to my ministrations and Rolfing back rubs.
Rolfing as in massage and not ‘Rolling on the Floor - Laughing’.
Until one fateful Tuesday.
Esme and Daughter #1 come home early as Esme is in obvious distress. Daughter #1 insists we take her to the very same institution from where I just graduated Magna cum laude, new-valve division.
Es demurs, claims it’s ‘just indigestion’, and refuses to go.
She groused all the way there in the backseat of my daughter’s car.
Into the Emergency Room, they get her vitals and the ER doc pulls me aside to tell me my beloved darling wife is currently having a ‘cardiac event’ and needs immediate testing and palliative medication.
“So, Herr Medico”, I say, “I may just be a Rock Doc, but you’re telling me my darling wife is having a heart attack right now?”
“In a word: yes”, he replies.
“Then what the fuck you doing out here? Get in there and fix her immediately!” I shouted.
He shook his head in agreement, called for a ‘crash cart’, and went to work immediately.
In the next eight hours; Esme, my darling wife, experienced at least six more semi-pain-free ‘cardiac events’, and actually ‘coded’ twice during the night.
That’s right. Esme, my darling wife of 39 years, ‘died’ twice during the night while the medical team paused for her test results.
She was scheduled for immediate bypass surgery in the morning. Daughters #1 and #2 were there for literal moral, emotional, and physical support.
Remember, I’m only three weeks clear of open-heart surgery myself; and it’s a good thing my eldest is used to dealing with large animals. She hip-blocked and slammed me into the sideboards when I nearly went unconscious when I heard that Esme had already been wheeled into the surgical theater.
After some O2, I was fine.
Physically.
Mentally and emotionally, I was a fucking train wreck.
Esme ‘coded’ three more times on the surgical table. Each time through, they brought her back with science, pharmaceuticals, and their skills.
Pentothal be praised.
After her surgery, I was taken back to the hotel buoyed by the cardiologist’s note that she was in fine form now after her extensive triple bypass surgery. No more coding, but her blood chemistry was a mess, as well you can expect. They were on it; and the overall prognosis was good to great.
I was greatly relieved. I sauntered back to the hotel, killed a short of Wild Turkey 101 Rye and slept the best I’ve snoozed since this whole tribulation commenced.
I recovered from my double-bypass and valve job in six days. Esme was finally released from the hospital a full twenty-two days since she first had ‘died’. We had some serious downtime coming to convalesce and recover. Our plans for a triumphant recent return to the Sultanate had been scuppered.
So, we lived the life of native FIB-landers for a while.
I created my own consulting business, one I could run from our apartment. I needed both the diversion and income.
Ragin’ Diplodocus Oil and Gas did just fine doing due diligence for small operators in the Illinois Basin. I wrote many, many procedural documents for these small operators to maximize their returns during this latest downturn in oil prices and how to best prepare for when they rise again.
As they always do.
Time wore on. Many trips back to the hospital to visit medicos and have them take blood, gesture hypnotically, and divine our future based on the numbers being returned from the testing facilities.
Things were moving along positively, and we began to think of our previous plans and began to think about heading back to the Middle East to finish up a stellar career. It was a good base to be from.
I received a call from a service company I did an enormous amount of business with when we were there.
They need an Expat Exploration manager.
Was I interested?
Yes, I was.
So a deal was made in Denmark, on that dark and stormy day.
We OK’ed the agreement after a short Scandinavian holiday that was eventually called on count of rain.
We returned to Muscat, in the Sultanate of Oman and spent 2 months in a hotel while we tried to find appropriate digs for us in which to live. Not too far from the mountains, not too close to swarms of people.
We ended up with a gnarly 6 bedroom villa in Bousher Heights near the mountains in southwest Muscat. Had an Omani landlord who was the finest kind. He was the type of laid-back, friendly, gregarious landlord everyone yearns for and rarely finds.
I made the mistake of thinking: “Great googly-moogly. This is certainly working out well.”
Until a month into our sojourn, I went to take out a bit of weekend cash and noted our Bank Dhofar account had been drained.
Emptied.
Cleaned out.
Exhausted of all life support.
Of course, the first thing you do is panic. Then you call the wife.
“Esme? What did you buy now? Our balance at the bank is 0.000!” I asked.
“Nothing.” She said, “Must be a bank error.”
“Great”, I replied, expressed my love for her and announced I’d get to the bottom of this mess.
I tooled over to Bank Dhofar and it took almost an hour to find a person with high enough clearance and adequate English to tell me that yes my account had been siphoned. But he couldn’t tell me by whom or for what.
He did note eventually that it was due to an old warrant against me; created, and passed while Esme and I were in the US recovering from heart surgery.
After a lot of knees-bent-running-about-advancing-behavior, and really bad noise, I discovered that Bank Muscat never cleared my old account as they said they would. They were holding my present bank account hostage until all 55,000 OR (US$156,000.00) was repaid.
They swore out a warrant for my arrest while we were in the US and not physically in Oman.
It was all in Arabic, which I do not read, speak nor give the tiniest shit about. It went through the local Arabic newspapers, again, while Es and I were in the states, and was passed to the local judicial Diwan where it was rubber-stamped as valid.
Now, since it was rubber-stamped as valid by the local Diwan; that meant I had no recourse. No filing for appeal. No rights, as I was just an Expat. And no recourse other than to pay the money. I instantly contacted the US Embassy, and they proved to be, as usual, totally buttfuckingly useless.
I had a bench warrant issued for my immediate arrest and they attached my salary, 100% of it, until I had paid back Bank Muscat what they claimed I owed. No matter how trumped-up, fallacious, and ridiculous the whole scenario was.
So, I immediately opened a new account at a different bank and had my paycheck shipped there monthly. The instant it hit the new bank, I ran to an ATM and drained the account before these bastards could glom onto it.
I also contacted Bank Muscat to go over this now 4-year old banking bullshit and have them provide evidence that I swindled them rather than the other way around.
We met with Bank Muscat meatheaded banking minions several times, and appeared to be making some very slow headway. I provided vouchers, check stubs, electronic receipts, and other forms of evidence that I had paid off my account. We closed the account before we left for the US and our tune-ups. I even provided pictorial evidence that I had sat with the VP of services from Bank Muscat highlighting fraudulent charges.
“Smile, Dickweed.”
It was proceeding, albeit very slowly. They had to find these records of ancient history.
Then they had to go with their ‘forensic bankers’, and since it was the Middle East, it went very slowly because of Ramadan, Eid, and all that related Islamic religious bullshittery.
Weeks dragged into months. I hit our new bank every month the minute my phone doinked that a deposit had been made of my salary. The powers that be were still keeping tabs on my old, now inactive, Bank Dhofar account and never twigged to the fact that I had a new account with a new and different bank.
They’re kind of stupid that way.
Then, one bright Monday night, out of the blue, I receive a phone call.
“Dr. Rocknocker?” the person on the other end of the phone asked.
“Yes?” I replied.
“This is Sgt. Total al-Fuckhead from the ROP. We need for you to drive to the ROP police station in Khuwair immediately. There are a few things that need explaining.”
This had all the earmarks of a set-up. A well-known scam in this part of the world where the local scum and villainy would call claiming to be police and when you arrive, they’d club and rob you blind.
“So sorry, Sgt. Al-Fuckhead”, I replied, “But I don’t know where the Khuwair ROP station is. We’re new here.”
They lie.
I lie.
“OK, then”, he agrees, “Meet us at the Starbucks coffee outlet on the Beach road.”
“So sorry, Sgt. Al-Fuckhead”, I replied, “But my wife has the car and is at a teacher’s meeting. We can’t get a cab out here because we’re too far off the grid.”
“Right”, he replies, “We’ll send a car to your location then.”
After 6 hours, and midnight, I retired wondering what the fuck to expect the next day at work, since no one from the ROP managed to arrive at our villa that evening.
Toddling into work the next day it was business as usual. Since I began my day at 0500 so I could personally talk with clients. Since the rest of the benighted Arab world doesn’t begin to ‘work’ until near 1000 hours, I had several hours of uninterrupted productivity.
Until 1030; when minions of the ROP ‘Special Services’ showed up demanding my extradition.
There were two fatback grossero muppets in faded, stained dishdashas and a couple of plain clothes types demanding to know where I was. Plus ‘just who I thought I was to avoid ‘facing my charges’’.
Having enough of this crap, I walked out of my office and announced, in a loud, steady voice, that: “It was I. Dr. Rocknocker, The Motherfucking Pro from Dover” and if they had some sort of beef, they could damn well take it up with me and quit trying to browbeat the poor, terrified receptionist.
“You will come with us, immediately”, one of the grosseros demanded.
“No, I don’t think so”, I replied, “Until you explain what’s all this then and I have time to call my embassy to inform them of Omani persecution of American Nationals who are legally working in this ignorant fucking country.”
Evidently, most people they deal with are so cowed by this announcement that the ROP is here to take them away, they fold like a soggy house of cards.
In the sand.
During high tide.
I’m not “most people”. I’m a goddamned overqualified ugly American and I know my rights.
I call the American Embassy and inform them that I’m being taken, quite against my will and on deceptive and bogus charges to Khuwair Police Station for “questioning”. I demand to meet a member of the US Embassy there, as is part of my rights, before I acquiesce and make these assholes drag me physically off to the borstal.
This gave the local federales pause. They’ve never dealt before with such a recalcitrant, intractable, large, annoyed, and legally knowledgeable person before.
But, since they came all the way down here and wouldn’t leave without either a prince’s ransom or my hide, I decided I needed a day off and said that I’d get my hat and we’d be off.
It was all laughs and chuckles on the 20 minute ride to the hoosegow/police station.
“Oh, we just need to clear up a few details. We’ll have you back to work in time for lunch”, one of the ROP’s finest lied.
Yeah. Right. Pull the other one…
But first, we’ll need your passport, residence card, Omani ID and other forms of personal identification.
“Oh, bother”, I replied, “Seems I left my passport, ID and Residence card home. What a shame.”
They didn’t ask for my GSM though.
I saw this one coming a mile away. Stripped of all identification, you’re so much easier to lose in the infernal internal machinations of the local constabulary. One has been known to be ‘lost’ this way for weeks.
“Oh”, was the dejected response.
So, we arrive at the police station/jail and I was told to warm a seat out in the waiting area.
It was 135⁰ F, no air conditioning, no water, no coffee, no fan, nothing.
Just a bare bench and a likewise seated group of mother-killers and father-rapers waiting on the Group W bench for their chance to decry their innocence to ignorant, indolent and deaf ROP ears.
I was dressed in business casual: long chinos, 16 EEE Cat work boots (non-steel toe), Polo shirt and invariable Black Stetson.
After a half hour of this, I wasn’t just hot, I was approaching meltdown; both physically and mentally.
Besides, the others on the Group W bench probably hadn’t had their annual baths yet this year.
I get up and pound on the door.
No answer.
I pound harder, wearing my usual black leather gloves which semi-disguises my work-related physical deformity.
A small peek-a-boo window opens and some braindead functionary asks in Arabic “What?”
“Get us some water, cold water in here if you don’t want to explain some heat prostration deaths. And find a fucking fan, it’s blistering in here.” I growl.
“ماذا؟ [madha?] [What?] was the reply.
"رئيسك. الآن!" ["ryiysik alana!"] or “Your boss. NOW!” was my reply.
OK, yes. I do know a little Arabic.
He saw I was sweating profusely and damned intercoursingly angry.
He fetched the Sergeant.
“You. Doofuck. English?” I enquired.
“Yes.” Was his reply.
“I’ll bet”, I mused as he totally missed my little radioactive-tracer-in-the-conversation pejorative.
Continuing.
“OK. Water, bathroom facilities, and a fan or air conditioning for me and my new noisome acquaintances. We don’t want an unfortunate International Incident here now, do we?” I demanded.
“You the American?” he asks.
“Not sure if I’m “The American”, but I am “An American”. The one who’s getting more and more pissed off the longer this charade continues.” I reply.
“Give me your wrists.” He demands.
“Kind of difficult. I’m using them at present and they’re still attached.” I replied.
He produced a zip tie and I get the general idea.
“Arms behind your back.” He commands.
“OK, Doofuck. By your command.”
I comply, and my wrists are now some 15 or 16 inches apart to the rear.
“Sorry, mate. Too much time at the gym. I can’t get them any closer. Considerable pectorali and deltoidae, don’t you know.”
For those late or new to the show, I’m a rather large specimen of the Genus Homo (Hush, you.).
As well as ethanol-fueled, but that’s for a later time.
Seriously, I couldn’t get my wrists much closer without serious effort, inconvenience, or come-along.
“Out front.” He commands as he zip ties my wrists together.
He orders me out the door. I’m to go to the Captain’s office and wait there. The rest of the guys on the Group W bench could all go hang evidently.
By the time we arrived at the empty Captain’s office, I was told to sit here and not move.
“OK”, I replied, “You want thes back then?” as I hand him the easily escapable Zip ties.
He was confounded.
It’s so laughably easy to get out of Zip-tie cuffs, it’s not even worth a google search. He harrumphs, and slaps me in irons: his personal pair of sturdy steel, US-made handcuffs.
“There. Now, sit. I will bring water”, he says brusquely as he exits the room with a slam of the door.
“Oot. Greet.” I reply in fluent gibberish.
Normally, it’s not too easy to get out of steel handcuffs. But when you’re bereft three fingers on your left hand, its child’s play to slip that one off, ratchet it forward and use the exposed tang to pry open the one on your right wrist.
The Sergeant reappears with some tepid water. I thank him and hand him his handcuffs back.
“How?” he gasps.
To be continued…

Happily Ever After, Episode 13 Recap

Yeah its long...
Angela & Michael: After Angela Ubered off into the Nigerian night last week, Aunt Lydia questioned if Michael was prepared to tolerate outbursts like this from his wife (Here’s your late pass from the last 3 years, Aunt Lydia). He assured her of his ability to handle Angela, as he set off driving back to their apartment, nervously gripping his fake Louis Vuitton steering wheel cover the entire way, knowing what awaited him. He found Angela in the apartment sitting in the kitchen wearing one of her sensible toting camisole tops, waiting for her prey to arrive. She wasted no time letting Michael have it, giving him the hard facts that she will NOT be anyone’s submissive wife. Michael persistently tried to calm her rage, even using a quiet tone and trying to talk through the angry fury raining down upon him, but no such luck. For those that could only see the fight as a bunch of yelling, the meat of it was this; Michael has been agreeing with Angela all along that they will be (whatever Angela considers to be) equal partners in their marriage, but also telling his family that he will be the head of the household/She will be the submissive wife. I’m sure given the Facebook courtship, the age difference, and the fact that Michael once did the bj forreal all have been stored in Angela’s internal hard drive, so any discrepancies shown on Michael’s part are met with a category 5 Hurricane Angela. Combine that with the struggle over leaving her gravely ill mother at home to be on “Bridezillas- Nigeria” (which she didn’t want to do in the first place), and it’s the recipe for the perfect storm. Some of the screaming highlights included “there’s only one person I bow down to and that’s Jesus” (who’s up in Heaven, dropping his mic right about now…). I would appreciate it if Dr. Pettigrew would recheck Angela’s blood pressure at this point, as I’m not so sure if it would be as perfect. Michael followed Angela from the initial fight location of the kitchen, to the bedroom where the door was slammed in his face. Michael really does deserve some bowing down, as he has had the patience of a Saint, ignoring all of the yelling and has shown dogged determination to get through to his non-submissive fiance. Each time the camera showed Michael he appeared to have aged, and lost an article of clothing. The following morning, Angela had started to slip out of her Hulk mode, and actually listened to Michael as he claimed that he would tell his family he was choosing the least submissive wife ever. Only caring about Michael’s Mother’s opinion, she invited Mama Michael over, along with a neutral third party translator to make sure Mama officially approved of their marriage, and to make sure Michael wasn’t pulling any fast ones over on her. Angela was looking very put together in her black top and coordinating headband, complimented by her matching gold chain/rhinestone lips necklace and earrings set from Rainbow. (I am loving all of her “love” themed jewelry this season). Mama showed up looking fabulous as ever in her pink outfit and headpiece. Angela started the conversation, welcoming Mama and making sure she was okay with the fact that she had no intentions of, and I quote, “Kissing Michael’s ass”. Mama agreed, and even continued on to give them her blessing for marriage. After that meeting went so well, Michael asked Angela what today’s wedding status would be, and she said “Game On”. Looks like my toaster might actually have a forever home! (That is, until production set up poor Michael once again for a beat down. Looks like next week there are female strippers at a joint bachelobachelorette party. I hope Michael is wearing a protective cup.)
Elizabeth & Undrrrrei: The lackluster apology at the war museum must have had an impact last week, because Elizabeth and Undrrrei were all smiles as they headed to the airport yet again to pick up Mother Elizabeth, her poor unsuspecting surprise husband, and sister Jen.(It’s kind of crazy that this is the first we are hearing about Elizabeth’s parents being divorced, and there’s a stepfather in the picture. Maybe the poor guy didn’t want to be pulled into the 90 Day circus? Well, welcome aboard!) Sister Jen decided she was going to pretend Moldova was France, as she sported her black beret and made a face like she was smelling stinky cheese as soon as she landed (which is actually a possibility). The Family Elizabeth all went back to the AirBNB owned by the heir to the Oscar Meyer corporation, where Undrrrei’s mom had prepared a feast. There was pig fat and festive finger foods; it was truly a tempting shmear. She is bold with her cooking and even more bold with her mixing of patterns for her outfit. Both families from near and far seemed to be getting along well and everyone was on their best behavior. The next morning, Jen and Mother Elizabeth were hating on their first breakfast in Moldy-O, which really seemed to be nothing more than some Folgers, croissants and grapes. Elder Chuck mentioned it was like eating “peasant food”, though in fairy tales, most peasants eat crumbs, not meat jello. Get your facts straight, Chuckles! The Chucks bring the ladies up to speed on the latest Undrrrei drama, and they are appalled. The smartest one of this bunch is the newly introduced Stepfather who chose to stay in bed for this conversation (and hopefully brought a granola bar that he doesn’t intend to share). Next on the agenda, Libby, Jen, their mother, and sister in law Inna all went shopping at a traditional Moldovan dress shop to find an outfit for Libby to wear to her ceremony. I’m not going to lie… I thought the dresses would be made out of cold cuts, but they were actually pretty cute (and would ironically be considered “peasant tops”). While Elizabeth was busy in the fitting room, Jen, Mother Elizabeth and Sister in Law Inna had a chance to gossip about what a jerk Undrrrei is. They had to use a translator app as well as a sales girl to relay their questions and information back and forth. Inna admitted to not being “team Undrrrei”, as she had previously had her own “beef” with Undrrrrei (In Moldova, when you fight, you always refer to it as having “beef”). All of the ladies concluded that they don’t know how Libby can put up with Undrrrei and his “fots”. Of course Elizabeth pops out of the fitting room in her “peasant” attire, pissed off that they are all talking about her husband-to-be-again, and defending her decision to have left with Undrrrei after family fight night. It feels like all of this ridiculousness is just a build up to more anticlimactic drama for next week. And now I’m in the mood for bologna….
Kalani & Asuelu: Kalani put on her game face as she strutted down the pier for the big meet with the two money hungry thugs, aka her Mother and Sister in Law. She tried to explain that she and Asuelu did not have extra money to support his mother, though they do give to her when they can. Of course this wasn’t good enough for Asuelu’s dear old mom, as well as his sister Tammy (who was giving off a little Samoan Rosie Perez vibes), as they accused Kalani of not being “Sam-wan” enough, brainwashing Asuelu, and even tormenting him with her pregnancy. His mother may have also sealed her fate as becoming the most hated mom of the series (surpassing Debbie, Mother Pedro, and even Mother Chantal herself) when she blatantly said that she didn’t care about the kids, she just wants to harvest the American dollar. She even suggested that maybe Asuelu should move back to Sam-wa and work so he could once again give her all of his money. Kalani had finally had enough of the great Samoan Shakedown, so she decided to leave in tears, with Tammy trailing behind, threatening to beat her up. The whole thing seemed extremely scripted, except Kalani seemed genuinely upset. (Also, I may be wrong, but I thought I remembered Asuelu once saying he was one of like 10 children. So is he the top earner of his family??? Shouldn’t his mother have a few other kids she could be shaking down? I mean if they all pitch in like $1 they can get her a bottle of John Frieda Frizz Ease for both her head and mustache..) Back at the house, Kalani fills Asuelu in on the meeting, and how his mother and sister basically only care about money, even more than the kids. Asuelu seems to agree that they are in fact crazy and seems like he is team Kalani all the way….. That is until Kalani mentions that his family are assholes, and that his sister should be glad she didn’t attempt to beat her up, since if Tammy would have touched her body, she would have “dropped her…period”. This is when the conversation veered left, and Asuelu seemed more concerned with who would win in a fight between his wife and sister than the actual moral of the story. She left the room feeling defeated, while Asuelu cursed at her, once again. (If we say Kalani’s father’s name 3 times, do you think he would appear?? We need Low, stat!!) Kalani is feeling hopeless, and confides in her sister Kolini, who advises her to stop wasting her energy on someone who isn’t willing to be supportive, and who is only trying to place bets on her fighting abilities. Poor Kalani… period.
Colt-ee & Debbie & Jess via satellite: Colt-ee was showing us a little thigh action AGAIN this week, just to keep everyone’s gag reflexes in check. Nothing much really happened with these two jigglypuffs, it was more about setting up the scene for next week when Jess arrives in Vegas to visit. It appears that since his Brazilian tour, Colt-ee has been caught lying yet again to Jess and their relationship has been on and off ever since. Jess explains that she needs Colt to stop lying to her, and also to stop calling her his little “boo-buh” (I actually need him to stop doing that. What the hell was that!). He told Jess she could stay at the house in his bedroom, which of course is going to give Debbie major Larissa flashbacks, especially once Jess reacts to Colt-ee’s confession that he’s been talking to other girls in the interim of their 3000 breakups per week. Please, if you or someone you know speaks romantically to Colt-ee, hoping to be his next “Boo-buh”, send me their number. We can get them the help they need. Colt took Debbie on a day date to some place with these amazing ice cream concoctions to discuss the current state of the Colt/Jess relationship. I tried to concentrate on what they were saying, but the ice cream was honestly way more interesting. It seemed like Colt-ee told Debbie that though their relationship has its “ups and downs” he still wants to pursue things with Jess by having her come visit Las Vegas. Debbie is not thrilled, and probably is already planning another bomb to drop for next week. That ice cream though…
Tania & Cinnamon: Synergy’s family all came together for a “braai”, or South African Barbeque. Everyone is enjoying each other’s company (well, not Tania’s company, but everyone else’s), and Syringe brings up wanting to buy property in South Africa. This of course sets Tania off on a tear, mentioning how she doesn’t want to have little Tanios or Taniyettes in South Africa, since she feels there is a lot of racism there and prefers her multicultural upbringing in the sheds of Connecticut. Of course she is saying all of this out loud in front of Synergy’s South African family, in South Africa, shoveling South African food down her gullet… Cinnamon counters her points by mentioning that he’s not even sure if he wants kids, which just about made Tania’s head fall off. She started yelling, crying, saying that Synonym has no direction and it’s unfair to her that he doesn’t have goals. One might bring up the fact that when you meet a barefoot bartender on vacation who isn’t sure he wants to have kids and is torn between the career options of fireman, actor, or opera singer and is cool with living in a shed as long as he can day-drink in a bathrobe, he is not exactly a “5 year plan” type of guy (Unless her goal was to live out the plot to the movie “Cocktails”. In which case, carry on). Tania was so upset with Syngerella that she got up and hobbled off, leaving him to awkwardly apologize to his family for the weird tension. But fear not, she returned a minute later, trying to have the last word and make Cinnabon feel like everything was his fault, but in reality she had just forgotten to take her plate of food with her the first time she left. (Most people eat their feelings AFTER something happens, not during. But you know how Tania likes to do things no one expects…. ) Cinnamon’s family acknowledged that he is a bit of a dreamer and noncommittal, but they also are all in agreement that Tania is waaay too much.His brother was sitting there looking like a shell shocked Kenny G and a pirate just had a baby who had knee surgery, while his sister was now terrified of the idea of marriage altogether. Syncinatti went into the bedroom to find Tania shoveling steak into her mouth hole while she sulked. She copped a major attitude, as she explained that she was the only reason he made it to the U.S. (which was never a goal of his in the first place..especially since he has none), and explained that she has wasted 2 precious years (well, 1 year and a few months… the other months she was in Costa Rica) hoping he would pick a direction. We get it, Tania… you want your kids to have his fabulous hair, you just have to come to terms with the fact that you married the South African version of “the Dude” from “The Big Lebowski”. Synergy finally had enough, and decided to grab his beer and go, but not before the cameras panned to his feet, which were completely black from his “free spirit” way of life, that is also free of wearing shoes. Hopefully the universe will point Cinnabon to one of my suggestions on how to ditch Tania, and then to get a pedicure.
Larissa-ee: I have noticed that production likes to reuse story lines, such as having Larissa and Eric-ee go furniture shopping, just like they already had Larissa couch shopping once before with Debbie (I’ll bet Larissa is really jealous of Colt-ee’s chic-ee “realtree” couch….) I could understand her desire to want to spruce up Eric-ee’s dorm room decor, but they could at least have hit up Ikea, instead of jumping from the free section of Craigslist straight to an $11,000 couch. Larissa used the furniture store as an opening to discuss how “cheap-ee” Eric has been, and how she would like to borrow money for a boob job (and a nose job, tummy tuck etc. But let’s talk boob job-ee first). She claims to be unhappy with her original parts and would like to get a tune up. Eric-ee agrees to loan her the money (plus interest, hopefully at a fixed percentage rate) and she promised he would not regret it. Next we see these two back in their joint living quarters discussing (with many hand motions) the boob-ee situation again. Larissa explains this enhancement will help her build confidence and hopefully entice him to propose, which was a new development. Eric-ee suspected that she could possibly be making all of these adjustments to throw her new life in Colt-ee’s face, though she claims to just want to be an “angus steak” in a world full of ground sirloins (watch out for Tania,she was on a steak bender this entire episode).
Pol & Kreeknee: Missing this week were Pol and Kreeknee who were off chasing each other around somewhere and making awkward Cameos.

Listing the VA of Gala Leif and the Journey to the West team!

EDIT: Wu Kong's English VA credit has been fixed and revealed... I will put that down below, and strikethrough my comment regarding Wu Kong.
EDIT2: I may have made a big error. Sha Wujing may not be voiced by the David Kaye I mentioned here, I have talked about it in another post
A lot of people mentioned, myself included, that Canada has very diverse people in the entertainment world, as well as many other businesses and families and whatnot. ~~However, population surveys say that most African countries are diverse like Nigeria, South Africa, etc, more so than other continents, INCLUDING where I live (Australia).~~ Well, it shows here, just as Scars of the Syndicate did.
Today, we reveal Kitana Belle Pavik and Brian Joseph Benedict's real name, unless someone else can tell the difference between the Xuan Zang's to which I will mention. Then, we have three new VAs and one returning. ~~It's a pity that Wu Kong's name isn't shown, and it's not just a "-" like Lea or Victor, the text box is gone~~! I can barely contain my excitement as I do with any new character, but these ones appear in shows I've watched dearly. If any of you read my posts or comments, then you'll know what type of shows I like, and why I'm so excited. But mark my words, as you read, you'll see why. Also, a couple of them have their own personalised websites, so I'll mention it there. Let us advance!!!
Wu Kong - Brian Doe. He is the real name behind Brian Joseph Benedict. In other words, this is his THIRD character here, the first two being Alain and Ricardt. Born in Vancouver, Canada with a passionate love for Saturday Morning Cartoons growing up. Brian started his career by creating various offbeat characters of his own and giving them a voice. He then found out that he can use his voice to really bring audiences on adventures, that is what starts his pursuit in becoming a full-time voice actor. Now look at him, he's a wonderful guy!
Instead of listing out so many things, I'll list to him what he's well known for in anime and cartoons alike: Osamu Mikumo (World Trigger), Nils Richter (LBX: Little Battlers Experience), Delphin (Barbie: The Pearl Princess), Gabe Brunei (Beyblade Burst), and of course Timber Spruce (My Little Pony: Equestria Girls - Legend of Everfree). I play both Alain and Ricardt a lot frequently, and that was before learning he was Timber Spruce. I liked Alain's attitude in his voice, as well as Ricardt's shy and timid side. Nice contrast, huh?
Leif - Bill Newton. The third Australian-born actor in Dragalia Lost!? YAY!!! The Melbourne boy is very much started his VA career in 2013 voicing various characters or being credited as additional voices for video games such as Dragon Age: Inquisition, The Shadow Sun, and Grey Goo.
His first ever animation role was in anime, starting with Gintama as Tasuke Kurokono. He's part of Gintoki and his old Jouishi pals (Katsura and Sakamoto) back then but made his only 'appearance' in the two-parter where I believe they just wanted to make a reference to Kuroko no Basket, because that's pretty much what Gintama does all the time, make references to their fellow Shonen Jump comics. Then he went to other animes like Beyblade Burst (Arthur Lawrence) and World Trigger (Isami Toma, Kotaro Suwa, Shiihara).
He jumped into Western animations like Minecraft Mysteries: Mystery of the Greek Isle (Toby), Line Rangers (The Narrator), Tobot (Tobot C), Littlest Pet Shop: A World of Our Own (Simon Puggerson /Cheeks Hamsternathy/Pigeon) and Ninjago (Fred Finely/Jay Walkin 238).
However, he is well known to have the role of an antagonist in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Aside from voicing supporting characters like Snap Shutter, Pharynx (brother of Thorax), and Bright Macintosh (Not to confuse with Big McIntosh, that's Vixel's VA) he voices Stygian or in his dark form The Pony of Shadows! And now he's back into video games, voicing our dear Sparrow Leif! Yes and finally! My heart soared when I first started off the research, but as I go down the list, it gets even BIGGER!
Radiant Xuan Zang - Elfina Luk. This is Kitana Belle Pavik's real name (I think?). And while she was born in Vancouver, Canada, she is AMAZINGLY FLUENT in her Cantonese and Mandarin if you watch her demo reel! But as for why she was directed not to sorta emphasise the pitch and tone that you'd hear in Mandarin (especially if you consider how Tie Shan Ghongzhu was directed, which I will explain) baffles me. My guess is that it's to make English speakers a bit comfier saying their names. I know I had difficulties with that when you're an Australian Born Chinese whose primary language is English.
Anyway, Elfina is a really big Live-Action Actress, utilising her languages and acting abilities, though she's also a director and producer too. Though she started off in additional or small roles such as Smallville, Supernatural, Altered Carbon, Loudermilk, and a whole lot of other shows. Her talents mentioned above shine in big movies such as Sargent Han in Skyscraper(Dwayne Johnson), The Secretary of Homeland Security in Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie. But she has been in impressive shows, whether main or recurring character, such as Blood and Water (Anna Xie, Andrea Tsang), iZombie (Joyce Collins), Zoo (Analyst Taylor Nguyen), and The Good Doctor (Nurse Dalisay Villanueva).
I think it goes to show that not all anime video games have to be voiced by solely well-known Anime VAs, even people who did Live-Action can do just as amazing, and Elfina proves that. Also, I highly encourage people here to watch some live-action shows. The Good Doctor is really good after all! I'm SURE you've heard of this drama before!
Zhu Bajie - Brian Drummond. And he's back again!!! His SEVENTH character! Karl, Rodrigo, Thaniel, Zodiark, Ebisu, Garland, and now Zhu Bajie. I think he's now officially the English VA who has the most roles here! And my goodness, I will say it again in case any has forgotten, Brian is a big VA veteran, hailing from British Columbia, Canada, along with the likes of Tabitha St Germain (Estelle, Althemia, Phoenix) and Richard Ian Cox (Ranzal, Rex, Yaten)! What are his voices again? Oh, A LOT!
Ryuk from Death Note, Garu from Pucca, Milliardo Peacecraft from Gundam Wing, Jetfire and Jolt from Transformers Cybertron, Allen Schezar from Vision of Escaflowne, Hayato Shingu from Project ARMS, and let's not forget the original Ocean dub Vegeta from Dragonball Z!
There's no mistaking it, he REALLY loves this game. Here's hoping his daughter Brynna and his wife Laura gets a voice in Dragalia Lost. His son Aidan has two in the form of Delphi and Yuya! Getting the Drummond family together would be awesome!!!
Sha Wujing - David Kaye. I... I am... I am beyond ecstatic! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!! IT'S FREAKING DAVID KAYE!!! This guy is such a legend along with the likes of Tara Strong!!! He's known for many big things. He's Clank from Ratchet and Clank and other iterations, Logan Carter in Dead Island, Corvus Glaive, Mysterio and Vision in Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3: The Black Order AND in various Western animations revolving around those three characters, James Gordon in Batman: Arkham City, and that's just video games.
Now, for Anime, he's Inuyasha's half-brother Sesshomaru, Protoman.EXE from Megaman NT Warrior, Recoome from DragonballZ (Ocean Dub), Kim Kaphwan in Fatal Fury 2: The New Battle, Treize Khushrenada in Gundam Wing, and Soun Tendo in Ranma 1/2.
Western Animations? Just as impressive! Grandpa Max Tennyson in the Rebooted Ben 10 and other aliens like Cannonbolt in Ben 10 Omniverse, General Hawk for the Second Season of G.I. Joe, General Tandin in Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Akuma from Street Fighter, and Professor Charles Xavier and Apocalypse in X-Men: Evolution.
But do you know what he is most popular for, and has a long relationship with? No, it's not My Little Pony like I always mull on about. It's the other Hasbro franchise which I also fell in love with, and that is Transformers. For Five animated series, FIVE! From Beast Wars and Beast Machines: Transformers, and the anime Unicron Trilogy: Armada, Energon, and Cybertron. He was the voice of none other than Megatron. AND in Transformers: Animated in 2007, his coin was flipped and thus voiced Optimus Prime (as well as Grimlock, Lugnut, and more). The ONLY VA to voice the face of both the Autobots and the Decepticons. EEEYAH!!! There's nothing more to say... this guy is wonderful, voicing so many characters well-received and niche shows and anime, and you can bet your arse that I'm continuing to play this game in the long run! You know, I've been making a My Little Pony and Dragalia Lost crossover story. I should make one with Transformers after that!
Tie Shan Gongzhu - Rita Yee. And for Rita Yee, I want to give her a large round of applause and thank you. You see, Rita does work in the entertainment industry (mostly film), but she's mostly been recognised as an assistant producer and miscellaneous crew for various TV shorts and documentaries as a production accountant for number crunching and payroll and whatnot.
According to IMDb, she has not got any sort of acting or voice role BUT here. And boy, let me bring back what I was talking about with Elfina and her take on Xuan Zang. I was listening to her voice clips, and you can tell that her direction was a twinge of fluent English with a little hint of Chinese. But when she mentioned her own name in one of them, IT WAS COMPLETELY IN MANDARIN: TONE, PITCH, ACCENT AND ALL. And people thought English dubs would lose this sort of culture and cringe about that. Well, I say you've never been to Canada before (which is pretty petty and hypocritical of me because I haven't visited the country myself, I take it back).
As I said, Canada's Acting Industry is very diverse like the country itself, and it's extremely wonderful that the DL voice director is using that to bring about a really great depth to the characters. So yeah, I want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to our four voice actors, as WELL as DL's voice director Adrienne Lindsay (I'm not so sure though... apparently, some VAs who tweeted about their Dragalia Role said so. But she IS a voice director on her social media page). For doing all this, you bring so much tremendous joy to people like me, and to show that Canada's VA industry is just as magnificent!
Now, what are YOUR opinions about them? Do not be afraid to comment down below. I will look at them, even discuss. Oh, and through my research, I've also decided to put the personal websites of the actors here. So if you want to see more of their roles, demo reels, or say thank you to them for their performance, go ahead.
Brian Doe - https://thebriandoe.com/ , Twitter (@TheBrianDoe). If you see his header photo, Alain and Ricardt are both on it!!! That is so cute!
Bill Newton - It's not his own website, but it is a place where voice actors can be commissioned or scouted for various jobs. https://www.voices.com/actors/TheVoicePackage
Elfina Luk - https://elfinaluk.com/ , Instagram and Twitter (@elfinaluk)
David Kaye - https://www.davidkaye.com/ , Twitter (@dkayevo)
Brian Drummond - Twitter (@BrianDrummondVO)
Rita Yee has a LinkedIn profile, https://ca.linkedin.com/in/rita-yee-926462a

As you two come together as one, that has never ever been before in the earth: Fan fiction recap of 90DF finale

Hullo! Some of you might be familiar with my wall of text from the main 90DF sub. For some reason my weekly pseudo-recap got deleted today, without explanation, and folks recommended that I try posting here. So without further ado:
My recaps often crash land in fan fiction; this one is going to orbit reality like a lost moon. Will we ever connect? I don’t know. Will we ever understand what 90DF cast members do all day that inhibits any type of advanced preparation for nuptials? I don’t know.
Mursel and Anna
What I wish happened: At the airport, homeland security needs to talk to Anna about exposing the airport to a dangerous contagion. She busts out her smart phone, opens a translator app and says, “You mean coronavirus? I have been not to one China.”
“No ma’am. We’ve had several reports that suggest you may have come down with Terminal Boring. Several 90DF producers were exposed to Boring, and their anti-vax beliefs left them vulnerable to the disease. Now they’re spreading Boring to others. We’re not sure you can be saved.” The agent tries to look sympathetic, but she’s concerned for herself, and is already starting to yawn.
Anna app’s: “B-b-but we faked this whole temporary return to Turkey! That’s got to count for something.”
The agent busts out a notepad. “So you admit that the bulk of your storyline was crying and staring at your phone? Viewers can get this on the average city bus during rush hour. We’re going to have to take you in, ma’am.”
“What about Mursel?”
“Mursel surrendered himself to authorities hours ago. He was already committing to a lifetime of light blue polo shirts and staring perplexed at the cover of US Weekly. It might be too late to save him. You should have come to us as soon as he started crying on the hotel room floor. Additionally, we’ve charged him with one count of evading logic, and two counts of sucking the air out of the room. Right this way, please. And give us your phone, ma’am….ma’am, surrender your phone…stop resisting! Stop resisting!”
What really happened: With 7 stupid hours left on her visa, Anna, who is almost as organized as Tania, is still sewing something. She loads the children who will still speak to her into the car to fetch Mursel from the airport, and the whole way there she makes a strong case against chewing gum. Gino, his mother’s child psychologist, explains that his mother is only happy when a man she can’t communicate with is hanging around the house. Leo suspects his growing ability to observe all this means he won’t be his mother’s favorite much longer, so she’ll have to have another kid. Joey left to go hang out with Molly’s daughter, and talk about spending the majority of their younger years propping up his mother emotionally.
They drive back to get ready for the wedding, and Mursel susses out the complexities of grooming all by himself. Gino and Leo walk Anna down the honeycomb aisle, and throw her at Mursel, who is standing under a doily. A vow exchange he doesn’t understand happens, and then there’s cake, and night photos in front of a wooden fence. Leo serves up a toast that definitely wasn’t written by Anna and definitely wasn’t heavily rehearsed, which you can tell by the passion behind the delivery.
Syngin and Fucking Tania What I wish happened: Syngin and Tania, still shitfaced from the night before, fall into a Chevy wearing dark glasses and stained t-shirts, each clutching a half-full bottle of Gatorade and a fistful of SlimJims. They both agree that once Syngin chugs that fucker his empty bottle will evolve into the “piss jug,” so they don’t have to hunt down bathrooms along the way, and can stop at Evelyn’s Awesome Apple Stand for 30 minutes of distracted procrastination instead. Suddenly, a meteor streaks through the sky. Tania insists it’s a comet, and when Syngin disagrees she reminds him he’s not her soulmate, and no one invited science to this party. Syngin can’t help but notice that it appears to be getting closer, and with science uninvited, he might be poised to hitch an anti-vaxer. Tania says she is not going to die in a Chevy, because that’s so white it could be a Bob Seger song.
It dawns on Syngin that this is his last chance to push Tania from the vehicle and floor it to the airport for a one-way ticket to Costa Rica for 30 days, where he will not call Tania drunk or sober, because his schedule will be packed with private salsa dances. Still, he’s not a bad guy, and he does love her, so he pulls over and says he just needs to use the piss jug real fast. The minute the door closes he puts down the bottle and runs like the meteor is chasing him, while Tania wraps herself in a purple shroud to wait for the maybe-comet to call her home, but not before yelling to Syngin’s dust trail that he needs to bring her black Nikes, because she has goals.
What actually happens: After careful consideration, Judge Tania generously rules that Syngin’s sadness over being declared a non-soulmate is valid, thus sparing him another 30 days of solitude in the Shed of Shame. She vampires down his palpable sadness, and her sated state allows the sleeves of her pink shirt to grow. In an effort to mask her glee at his misery, Tania mines her manipulation cave for treasures from their past, and reveals the bouncers defended the club against Tania like the riders of Rohan, and still she breached the wall. Syngin, look to the North for the coming light. At the end of their origin story Syngin is apparently willing to marry her again, or he really, really wants to be an opera singeactostunt man.
Syngin informs us that there hasn’t been a divorce in his family in 500 years, but he’s pretty sure he can break that curse. Neither has prepared any kind of wedding vows, and they arrive at the AirBnB venue a few hours late. There’s also no wedding photographer, so Syngin’s friend volunteers to take on this task. He considers that he could have brought a better camera if he’d received some advanced warning of this, but Tania is way too goal-oriented for such things. Tania reminds us yet again that she’s normally totally organized, and the last 90 days have just been one fluke after the other. They rapidly start constructing the ceremony space and crafting center pieces. Given the limited time, some brides might place a premium on showering and not making their guests wait, over lighting candles during daylight hours and placing rose petals to go with the other rose petals, but not our focused would-be mommy Tania. Finally she starts getting ready, and something happens to her head and face, and they wrap her body in black gauze for safety, and because she’s edgy like that. Not Hot Topic or music with feelings edgy, but that one time your mom smoked weed with you edgy. In other words, normal, but afraid.
The wedding happens, and the space does look beautiful. During the vows Syngin dramatically gets down on one knee and asks God to strike him dead. When that doesn’t happen, he unfurls his scroll of sweetness, while people in the audience cry that they’re letting this happen to Syngin. After he’s done, Tania manages to promise to answer the phone when he calls in the middle of a drunken night on the town, and to let her walls down. In other words, she’s still taking everything and giving nothing. #romance. The officiant works “shit” into his treatise, and expresses disbelief that this could have been a one-night stand and Syngin ruined it. Their rings are tattoos, like Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, and they opt for the Sagittarius symbol, which I’m really hoping this is a shared sign and not Tania’s latest prison-tattoo brand on her bitch. Then they’re all happy, and Tania’s mom even musters some endorsement of their union, and when I can tone down my palpable inner hater, their wedding was kind of…nice.
Jasmin and Blake
What I wish happened: Jasmin puts on a giant cake dress with a skirt that creates three feet of distance from other people. She spins around the park holding a bottle of champagne in each hand, and when her sister tries to intervene she chucks a bottle at her and starts crying. Her mother runs up and starts shaking her, demanding she get her shit together because she did not raise a Finnish girl to act like an American. Jasmin knows mother is right, but can’t resist drawing a wider and wider red lipstick mouth round and round and round her cake hole. Meanwhile, Blake is busy checking in on the stock market. He knew that upfront investment in Tesla would be a wise move, and he’s two years away from early retirement. He puts on a slick wedding get up, and then both get into a Tesla, and drive right off my tv screen.
What really happens: Jasmin thought they were going to have a courthouse wedding. They have a park wedding instead. The main difference between these two things is about 20 people. Blake cries. Jasmin doesn’t. Vows are exchanged, and Jasmin’s parents hope they get to know each other eventually. Mother Blake hopes that Jasmin will get a job, and has questions about Jasmin’s current source of income. They think it will all be okay, so long as Blake is in charge of emotions and Jasmin serves as household accountant. Some photos happen. Jasmin’s parents hope she’ll hold on to her Finnish citizenship, so she has somewhere to flee to when the US goes full Handmaid’s Tale. Do you see how fast the Terminal Boring is spreading? Someone get this season on lockdown.
Robert and Anny
What I wish happened: Anny strolls down the aisle to greet Robert, who is a completely different person. Bryson waits patiently for their shocked, confused greeting to conclude, so he can kick off the ceremony with style. He signals the usher, who comes out with a piece of cardboard, and he’s immediately surrounded by a ring of men with Jheri curls, wearing half-shirts and dog collars and killer high-tops. it’s Breaking 2: Electric Wedding Goo. Guests fight with garbage can lids in the parking lot, making faces under savage eyeliner. Everyone is wearing Tania-pink off-the-shoulder shirts and sweatbands and one damn glove. Leotards are everywhere. Anny used to be a professional dancer, but who is she now? Where does she fit in with this motley crew? They’re never going to save the community center! But they have to!
What actually happens: Robert’s hair is wrangled into corn rows by a committed hair stylist who doesn’t get paid enough, and the entire wedding party dresses in tribute to the Temptations, and I kind of approve, because at least that red color is popping. Robert expresses concerns about this level of commitment, when he’s used to the lukewarm obligation of children. Anny gets ready, and her friend is there, and apparently decided it was a good idea to wear a wedding dress to someone else’s wedding. Anny gives no fucks and is just glad her Porn-In-Law was uninvited. Her hair is sculpted into a style we can’t even buy at wigs.com, and Bryson happily escorts her down the aisle.
The officiant kicks things off by saying (and I checked this three times in disbelief): “Today you become a creation as you two come together as one, that has never ever been before in the earth.” If I ever get married, I need this woman. Anyway, remember how last time 90DF teased that he was going to leave her at the altar? That was your warning the opposite was going to happen. He kicks off with the “I can’t do this” and just before Anny has a nervous breakdown he drops to one knee and produces a ring. Being utterly terrified is what everyone wants when they’re fully done up and standing in front of a room full of people. They’re happily hitched, and it’s actually kind of sweet, and Anny declares she’s going to have five kids to match the five he already has. Robert insists he doesn’t want to have an NBA team that he knows about.
Mike and Natalie
What I wish happened: The cameras show Mike slowly extracting his phone from his pocket, removing the SIM card, then donating it to a shelter. Then he grabs a disposable one at a 7-11, and stops by the barbershop and gets a haircut. Then Darcy pulls up and asks if they have a bathroom where she can shower and meet Jay for some contract negotiation. Spying Mike out of the corner of her eye, she says, “Oh MY GAWD are you my boyfriend now?” Mike wonders what the hell is happening, and explains to Darcy that Oregon is in the United States, so this will never work.
“When did it stop being in Canada? My children are my world. Tom is still my boyfriend anyway, and I think he might know it.” Darcy starts crying, and Tom salsas into the frame, with Tania dancing quickly behind him. He tries to run, but she only salsas faster. In desperation, he turns and confesses he’s not a very good teacher.
“Don’t talk to me softly like that,” Tania declares, before grabbing him by his fragile British hand and insisting that her steps are usually more organized than this, and screaming for her tattoo artists to ready for another brand.
What really happens: 90DF producers decided that one stare-at-your-phone storyline just wouldn’t do, so here is big Mike, sitting in his living room, talking his way around Natalie’s scorn. She mentions that some shit happened off-screen that made her not trust him, and the 90DF producers are reminded that they are never around when something interesting happens. When they ask Mike about his secret, he simply walks off camera. Anyone want to place bets that Mike has a criminal record that is standing in the way of this whole K1 business?
Angela and Michael
What I wish happened: Angela wakes up, and discovers that Michael has left a “treasure map” on the nightstand. Certain that this is evidence of another lie, Angela attempts to follow the map, and demands directions from a hapless shop owner who has made a fortune during her stay by selling her cigarettes. He points vaguely at a distant jungle, and Angela disappears into the trees, pulling at her ponytail and yelling “Michael” over and over again. Meanwhile, Michael realizes that as much as he loves Donald Trump, Donald Trump does not love him, so he decides to stick with Nigerian Prince schemes until the next president assumes office. He hears Angela screaming in the distance and notices his treasure map is gone, and as the screams grow quieter and quieter, Paul duck-runs out of the jungle wearing a belt of human hair and a condom hat, bleating for Karine.
What really happens: Michael can’t get the K1 because of all those Nigerian terrorists that stuff bombs into their shoes at the airport, so they think the spousal visa is the best route. They learn about what’s required for a Nigerian wedding, and Angela needs a witness from the US of A. She knows that no one in her circle can afford it, so she’s going to have to fly back to America alone.
“Tell me,” the would-be officiant says. “Why did they give you another season so soon? Nothing has happened.”
“Two words for you: free plane tickets to Nigeria,” Angela explains. “Now I gotta make like a pudding snack and corn hole to the airport for a Piggly Wiggly.”
At the airport Michael gives her a nameplate necklace with his name, and he wears one that says Angela, because wasn’t high school great you guys? No, it really wasn’t. Still, every couple that watches this shit together will be exchanging these on Valentine’s Day. It’s too late for me to get my dude to watch this, but it’s not too late to not make any sense.
Michael and Juliana and Sister-Wife Sarah.
What I wish happened: Sarah reveals that in order to find the time to study for a forthcoming test, she’s been popping caffeine pills, but then she oversleeps and misses dance rehearsal, thus blowing her big shopping mall break. Michael comes in and wakes her up, and asks her what’s going on with this sleeping nonsense, and she says she can do it, she can have it all, she can do anything. Then she starts screaming I’m SO EXCITED! I’M SO EXCITED! Is this a caffeine pill addiction? Did it really develop in 22 minutes of programming? Madness! Max bursts through the door and snatches the pills from his mother’s hand, screaming, “Dear God, no! NO! Nancy Reagan warned us about this!!” As he races for the toilet, CeCe blocks the doorway screaming, “You could go to prison! Or rehab! Or think you’re an orange and jump off the roof!” Sarah thrashes around on the ground, threatening everyone with shoes. Later she’s in bed wearing her favorite pajamas, knowing that she’ll be fully recovered from this terrifying descent into addiction in the next 22 minute episode. Whew. That was a close one.
What actually happens: Michael brings the kids back to Sarah’s house, and Michael takes the time to thank her for inserting herself into their wedding. Sarah harkens back to the lovely day she married Michael, and how it rained before and after, but it was beautiful on the day of the event. She’s fine. Really. Then Sarah asks Michael about the prenup. He awkwardly says he doesn’t need one anymore, now that he has this hat. Sarah understands how this demand might make Juliana feel unsupported. Because she’s very, very understanding, and understands things, and she’s fine. Really.
Next week promises to be the highlight of the season, as Robert questions Tania about her soulmate fake news, Michael is revealed to be Cheater McCheaterson, Big Mike’s Big Secret finally reaches the airwaves, and in news that shocks no one, Shaun is left speechless.
Thank you Patreon supporters! Find me there for more shenanigans.

Primavera 2020: Official Confirmed/Rumors/Wishlist

LAST UPDATED: January 15, 2020
Hi all,
As we are now starting to see more rumors fly around and 2020 festivals get announced, I think it's safe to start an official confirmed/rumors post. As this is a community, would love any and all input. Please comment below with any knowledge you have about an artist performing (or not performing) at Primavera 2020 and why you think they may perform (if you have source material like a website, that would be great but not required). I'll update this regularly and place the artists under the following buckets: Confirmed (5), Very Likely (4), Possible (3), Unlikely (2), Out (1)
Keep in mind with The New Normal theme we should expect another 50/50 gender split or close to it.
Hard to say when the lineup will be announced but my bet is on the earlier side (December), which gives Primavera more time to market and sell tickets. Below are the previous 3 year announcement dates:
Nov 30, 2016 - Primavera 2017 Announced
Jan 28, 2018 - Primavera 2018 Announced
Dec 6, 2018 - Primavera 2019 Announced
Nov 28, 2019 - Primavera Radio confirmed 11 artists for 2020
Dec 2, 2019 - Primavera Radio confirmed 4 artists for 2020
Dec 9, 2019 - Primavera Radio confirmed 4 artists for 2020
Dec 16, 2019 - Primavera Radio confirmed 4 more artists for 2020
Dec 19, 2019 - Primavera teaser video #bestfestivalever confirms Shellac and DJ Coco
Jan 16, 2020 at 10am Barcelona time** - Complete Primavera 2020 Announcement
**Countdown clock is live now: https://www.primaverasound.com/en **
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All sections below in alphabetical order (a, b, c...)
Confirmed (26 of 230 artists)

Arthur Verocai - Dec 2, Radio Primavera Broadcast
BigKlit (El Punto Stage) - Dec 16, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Bikini Kill - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Caroline Polachek - Dec 9, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Chromatics - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Cuban Doll (El Punto Stage) - Dec 16, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Die Katapult - Dec 9, Radio Primavera Broadcast
DJ Coco - Dec 19, confirmed in Primavera teaser video "#bestfestivalever"
Jenny Hval (Auditori Stage)- Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Kim Gordon (of Sonic Youth) - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
La Favi (El Punto Stage) - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Les Amazones D'Afrique - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Les Savy Fav - Dec 9, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Lorena Álvarez - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
María del Mar Bonet (Auditori Stage) - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Mavis Staples - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Ñejo - Dec 16, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Núria Graham - Dec 2, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Paloma Mami - Dec 2, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Park Hye Jin - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Pavement - confirmed on final day of PS 2019
Shellac - Dec 19, confirmed in Primavera teaser video "#bestfestivalever"
Sudan Archives - Nov 28, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Trapani - Dec 16, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Vagina Dentata Organ - Dec 9, Radio Primavera Broadcast
Yo La Tengo - Dec 2, Radio Primavera Broadcast

Semi-Confirmed (tour routing and other intel has all but confirmed)

Allie X - EU tour ends just at Primavera begins, likely fit (u/claudiolemos)
Bad Bunny - PS Radio playing lots of Bad Bunny and Gabi talked about him during interview. Also, 1/3 of the J Balvin/Rosalia trifecta who performed in 2019. Booked for Bilbao BBk. (u/danceonme)
Beach Bunny - EU tour begins just as Primavera starts (u/danceonme)
Bicep - past performer, just announced live 2020 dates, "liked" a Primavera comment on their Instagram (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Black Midi - touring EU in June, performed at Primavera Weekender
Brockhampton - EU tour ends before PS with no Spain dates, Gabi Ruiz really wanted them for 2019
Caribou - new album, past performer, performing at All Points East and BBK live which we shared 8 artists with in 2019 (u/mr-ror)
DJ Rosario - performs most years (u/Dr-Gregorick)
DJ Shadow - past performer, new album, performing at festivals in 2020, clue in one of the teaser videos to his song (u/fedecasini78)
Einsturzende Neubauten - past performer, new album, no BCN tour dates (u/petra_vonkant)
Georgia - new album and tour, no BCN dates, strong rumors (u/patrick_fm)
Girl in Red - performing at We Love Green in Paris, strong rumor to performer at PS as well (u/danceonme)
John Talabot - BCN DJ, performs at many PS but not in 2019, likely for 2020 (u/BenjoDiMeo)
Kelly Lee Owens - past performer, new album coming soon, also performing at All Points East (u/vel_4k)
Kevin Morby - new album, EU tour skips BCN, Kevin confirmed on Instagram he would perform in Spain in 2020 (u/flagismyname)
Kim Petras - Kim was mentioned by Gabi and her tour doesn’t stop in Spain we likely have her (u/claudiolemos)
King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - past performer, touring EU in June (u/domambrose96)
Lana Del Rey - new album and from Gabi Ruiz: "I really like her, but we have never agreed with money and dates." Update: Gabi had lots of chatter about Lana and it seems 2020 could be the year, she will be at We Love Green Fest in Paris on June 7, looks like we got her for 2020 (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Massive Attack - performing at Best Kept Secret June 12, 2020. PS and BKS shared 25 artists, would seem to make them very possible
Max Richter - Gabi said Max is on their booking list, likely confirm for 2020.
The National - UK tour date on June 6, leaves possibility for Primavera on June 3,4, or 5. Past performer, side project performed in 2019, skipped BCN on new album cycle, performing High Violet in full at Best Kept Secret June 12, seems likely
Rina Sawayama - touring all over in 2020 with a new album, strong rumor to perform at PS (u/claudiolemos)
Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - past performer, touring EU in June (u/danceonme)
Sama Yax - performs most years (u/Dr-Gregorick)
Sampha The Great - new album, actively touring, performing in Paris same weekend as Primavera (u/danceonme)
Sun Kil Moon - new album, past performer, EU tour ends in London on May 30, 2020 (u/danceonme)
Tyler, The Creator - Gabi mentioned that Tyler the Creator is a “classic” from the festival. Seems likely with new album, past performances and booked in Paris for June 3, 2020.
Weyes Blood - touring EU in June, all indications that she will be performing, a perfect fit (u/Beebeedeedop)
Whitney - new album, performed at PS Weekender, booked for All Points East (u/danceonme)
Young Thug - performing in Poland same weekend as Primavera, a likely booking (u/danceonme)

Likely (not enough information to confirm but good indication these artists will be performing)

100 Gecs - new album, trending artist, tours with Brockhampton (u/hjquique)
Anna Calvi - performing at All Points East May 29, nice fit for PS (u/Jrkehres)
Bill Callahan - new album, past performer, actively touring in 2020 (u/mandritao)
Burna Boy - rising global artist from Nigeria (u/danceonme)
Denzel Curry - Gabi has indicated he likes him, strong demand, touring in June (u/supersonicsilv)
Disclosure - performing at several EU festivals including Down The Rabbit Hole, past performer
Doja Cat - new album, trending artist, shared songs with Rico Nasty who performed in 2019 (u/iamhalsey)
Frank Ocean - Still owes PS a show from 2017 and Gabi mentioned that Frank would tour the US in 2020 and end at Coachella indicating that he is at least doing shows in 2020 and could be likely for PS 2020 but who really knows. (u/danceonme)
Freddie Gibbs & Madlib - new album, past performer (u/danceonme)
Fontaines D.C. - new album, performing at Apolo on Nov 2, 2019, could be back for PS 2020 (u/alison_92)
Holly Herndon - excellent new album, past performer, due to return to BCN (u/rshuffandstuff)
Honey Dijon - performing in London the same weekend, past performer (u/danceonme)
Hot Chip - new album, past performer, touring in June (u/danceonme)
Kacey Musgraves - Gabi tried to book for 2019, newish album, due to play Spain, touring EU in June (u/danceonme)
Kaytranada - touring in 2020 with new album (u/Loud_Fart)
Mannequin Pussy
Megan Thee Stallion - playing festivals in 2020 (Coachella, etc), strong rumor to be at Primavera
Polo & Pan - new-ish album, actively touring EU in June (u/wakefieldtwin)
PUP - touring EU in June
Run The Jewels - past performer, new album coming out and touring in 2020 (u/danceonme)
Thom Yorke - past performer, new album, touring EU in 2020 (u/JKay96)
Vivian Girls
A Winged Victory For The Sullen - new album, past performer, EU tour skips BCN (u/smittyman62)

Possible/Wishlist

A.G. Cook - (u/claudiolemos)
Alex Cameron - new album, actively touring (u/mandritao)
Andy Stott - new album coming, past performer (u/BulkyAccident)
Angel Bat Dawid - could be one of the Auditory jazz shows, excellent new album and touring (u/BenjoDiMeo)
Angelo Badalamenti - possible 30th anniversary of Twin Peaks soundtrack (uZexionsix)
Animal Collective - new album coming, past performer, haven't been to BCN since 2016 (u/Parking_lot_way_2hot)
Anna Meredith - new album, touring 2020 with no BCN dates (u/BenjoDiMeo)
Asgeir - new album, past performer, no BCN tour dates (u/Rico_Pliskin)
BANKS - (u/claudiolemos)
Bauhaus - a couple reunion shows have been announced (u/hihateheggs)
Bat for Lashes - new album (u/Cactus_33)
Battles - new album, past performer, no BCN date on EU tour (u/alison_92)
Baxter Dury - past performer, new album, 2020 EU tour with no Spain dates (u/binh82)
Beck - touring EU in late June, many rumors for him to perform at Primavera but tour routing causes some doubts
Bombay Bicycle Club - new album, EU tour with no Spain dates (u/sla296)
Brittany Howard - new solo album, actively touring, playing Bilbao, ES on Nov 2, 2019 (u/GLAMO1989)
The Chemical Brothers - have not played BCN since new album released, touring in 2020 (u/danceonme)
Cigarettes After Sex - new album, performing at PS Weekender & 2x in BCN in Nov 11 & 12, 2019 (u/binh82)
Clubz - Mexican group heavily promoted by PS Radio (u/GranVictor)
Confeti de Odio - local Spanish artist, played a lot on PS Radio (u/hjquique)
Crumb - new album, actively touring (u/danceonme)
Damon Albarn - past performer (with Blur), EU tour ends on June 1, 2020 in Dublin (u/alison_92)
Death Grips - Past performer, new album (u/mindthenew)
Deerhunter - perform at almost every PS, new single released (u/andmar)
Delaporte - local MAD artist (u/mindthenew)
Devo - announced a final tour but no dates yet (u/mr-ror)
Duster
Earl Sweatshirt - new album, past performer, due for a show in BCN (u/FlyHoenn)
Erika de Casier - new album, performed in BCN Dec 4, 2019, good fit for PS (u/rshuffandstuff)
The Flaming Lips - new album, past performer, 20th anniversary of "The Soft Bulletin", performing in UK on May 22 (u/GLAMO1989)
Flight Facilities - (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Floating Points - new album, past performer, touring in 2020 (u/danceonme)
Flying Lotus - new album (u/danceonme)
Fuzz - past performer, new music coming (u/Umberju)
Girl Band - post punk band, new album, fits PS style, performing London June 5
Glass Animals - past performer, new album coming, performing at All Points East
HANA - (u/claudiolemos)
Helado Negro - new album, actively touring, performing in BCN on Nov 19 (u/GLAMO1989)
IDER - (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Iggy Pop - classic PS act performed in 2005, will perform at All Points East on May 29, 2020 (u/Jrkehres)
Inner City - tech/house royalty, could fill the slot where Cybotron performed in 2019 (u/rshuffandstuff)
Jambinai - new album, performed at PS Porto in 2019 but not PS BCN (u/alison_92)
Jamie xx - (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Jawbox - reunion tour, performing in London June 11, 2020, possible for Porto maybe Barca (u/feliceu)
Jesus And Mary Chain - past performer, touring EU with no Spain dates (u/ScarletFire47)
Kelsey Lu - new album, performed at Apolo last year, possible tour in 2020 (u/alison_92)
Khruangbin - new EP coming out in 2020 with Leon Bridges, actively touring (u/JoeyJJShabadooJr)
King Krule - touring US in April 2020 with no EU dates yet, past performer (u/Mikess03)
Kraftwerk - headliner for All Points East May 29, puts them in possible for PS but they have already played Spain twice in 2019 (u/Mind-Mischief)
L'Imperatrice - female fronted French dream, synth pop group, active tour in 2020 and new album (u/danceonme)
La Bien Querida - Local Spanish artist, played a lot on PS Radio (u/hjquique)
La Roux - new album and 2020 tour skips BCN (u/danceonme)
Lingua Ignota - well received new album but no active tour dates for 2020 yet (u/alison_92)
Little Dragon - new song/album coming, announced EU tour with no BCN date (u/danceonme)
Manel - local BCN band, previous performer, new album (u/hanric1234)
The Marias - dream pop band sings in Spanish and English, follow PS on Instagram, would be a nice fit (u/danceonme)
Moses Sumney - new album coming, good fit for PS (u/b4848)
MUNA (u/claudiolemos)
The New Pornographers (u/mandritao)
Otoboke Beaver
Pantocrator - local BCN artist (u/mindthenew)
Parquet Courts - new-ish album, 2020 dates announced (u/danceonme)
Phoebe Bridgers - performing at Mad Cool 2020 but lots of demand for her at PS, associated acts Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker both performed in 2019 (u/danceonme)
The Planets
Pulp - classic PS band, possible "Different Class" 25th anniversary show (u/Zexionsix)
Rapsody - very good new album, would be nice in the undercard, touring in 2020 (u/danceonme)
Richard Dawson - new album, past performer, no active dates yet for 2020 (u/alison_92)
Saba - semi new album, rising young rapper (u/danceonme)
Sasami - trending artist with debut album, opened for Snail Mail in 2019, good PS fit (u/danceonme)
Shame - new and trending rock band, nice fit for PS, performing in London on June 5, 2020 (u/Wordswitcher)
Sharon Van Etten - touring US in April 2020, past performer, new album (u/FredWood12)
Sleater Kinney - past performer, new album, side project played 2019 edition (u/danceonme)
Sr. Chinarro - performed at 1st PS and again at 15th edition, could be at 2020 (u/BenjoDiMeo)
Sky Ferreira - (u/claudiolemos)
Slayyyter - (u/claudiolemos)
Supergrass
Squid (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Squarepusher - new album coming, past performer, touring in 2020 (u/fedecasini78)
Talaboman - new album, past performer (u/Zexionsix)
Thundercat - new album, past performer and touring in 2020 (u/danceonme)
Toro y Moi - due for a BCN performance, good fit for PS, new album (u/danceonme)
Torres - new album coming soon and touring in 2020 (u/danceonme)
Travis Scott - could fill the slot Future performed, Gabi seems to like the trap direction (u/danceonme)
Tropical Fuck Storm - new album, 6 shows in Spain (Nov 2019) but could return for PS (u/Zexionsix)
Ty Segall - (u/Umberju)
Underworld - (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Wire - new album and tour in 2020, EU dates announced with no BCN date (u/alison_92)
Wu-Tang Clan - lots of reunion shows in 2019 including festivals, would fit in nicely where NAS left off (u/danceonme)
Xiu Xiu - past performer, new album (u/mindthenew)

Unlikely (but not out)

Algiers - already performing in BCN on Feb 29, 2020 (u/danceonme)
Childish Gambino - From Gabi Ruiz: "I can't tell you more that I don't know why he hasn't performed at the festival yet and I think that if we asked him, he sure would still tell us that he will act in this edition. I had never faced such a complicated artist. I give up after almost three years of exhausting negotiations." (u/danceonme)
DIIV - already performing in BCN on March 16, 2020 (u/danceonme)
Kate Bush - doesn't perform live anymore but there is a lot of demand for her (u/bermuda74 & u/Dr-Gregorick)
Men I Trust - Performing in Mexico City on June 3, 2020 makes them unlikely (u/danceonme)
Metronomy - already performing in BCN on March 20, 2020 (u/hihateheggs)
R.E.M./Michael Stipe - Gabi Ruiz said he'd like to see them play PS in his AMA yet they haven’t performed together in 10 years.
RIDE - already performing in BCN on Feb 7, 2020 (u/danceonme)
(Sandy) Alex G - already performing in BCN on Feb 27, 2020 (u/danceonme)
The Strokes - rumored to be the Friday headliner for Mad Cool based on this post but still unknown (u/knightofkekdonia)
Sufjan Stevens - From Gabi "Gabi Sufjan is just like Frank, a very peculiar artist that you can't just simply lure in with huge amounts of money, they simply do not work like that and they're very complicated"
Tindersticks - already performing in BCN on Feb 25, 2020 (u/danceonme)

Out

The 1975 - performing arena show at Palau Sant Jordi in BCN on March 9 (u/hihateheggs)
Alt-J - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/Cactus_33)
Anderson .Paak - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/IWillNeedThis)
Angel Olsen - already performing in BCN on Jan 26, 2020 booked for Vida Festival and Mad Cool 2020 (u/danceonme)
Babymetal - performing in BCN on June 24, 2020 (u/Kayleth)
Belle & Sebastian - performing at Vida Festival, July 2020 in BCN (u/danceonme)
Billie Eilish - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/vel_4k)
Bon Iver - already performing in BCN April 17 (u/danceonme)
Charly Bliss - touring the US during PS 2020 (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Chvrches - touring US during PS (u/Dr-Gregorick)
Dan Deacon - performing at Canela Party in Malaga, August 2020 (u/danceonme)
Destroyer - performing at Vida Fest outside of BCN on July 2 thru 4 (u/ralgex)
Dorian Electra - performing in BCN on May 2, 2020 (u/u/claudiolemos)
Drake - From Gabi Ruiz: "Technically impressive, lights screens, drones, a thousand things I had never seen. But the show .... a karaoke." (u/danceonme)
Dua Lipa - performing in BCN on April 28, 2020 (u/tolaphone)
Foals - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/hihateheggs)
Four Tet - will perform at either Porto or LA but not BCN in 2020 Haim - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid
Grimes - announced she was pregnant on Jan 8, 2020 via Instagram (u/danceonme)
HAIM - booked for Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/Dr-Gregorick)
Halsey - touring US during PS (u/Dr-Gregorick)
Holy Fuck - performing in BCN on May 5, 2020 (u/danceonme)
Idles - exclusive Spain festival date at Canela Party, Aug 5 thru 8 (u/mr-ror)
Kanye West - excluded categorically. Gabi started by saying that the latest album is mediocre, and then basically said that Kanye has what he called a 'decalogue' of demands that are really hard to ascribe to in a festival setting and that while something like Coachella can build a stage for him only, that's not viable for PS. He said he'd need a stage for himself not to be shared with others, also not an option, an another stage 'for his ego'.
Kendrick Lamar - Exclusive headliner for Bbk July in Bilbao, ES. This will be Kendrick's only Spain performance. (u/danceonme)
Local Natives - touring the US during PS 2020 (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Michael Kiwanuka - booked for Mallorca Live, May 15 & 16, 2020 (u/Zexionsix)
Migos - From Gabi Ruiz: "Migos was very ugly, I don't think we will work with them anymore." (u/danceonme)
Mitski - on hiatus from touring
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - already performing in BCN April 26, 2020 (u/Zexionsix)
Nine Inch Nails - Gabi said they were booked for 2020 for barcelona / porto / los angeles but having to postpone because Fincher asked Trent to score his next movie - might have been joking??? - if serious, said they'll play in 2021
Omar Apollo - touring US during PS (u/Dr-Gregorick)
Perfume Genius - performing in the U.S. during PS (u/Dr-Gregorick)
Pet Shop Boys - tour routing doesn't allow room for PS (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Pixies - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/Cactus_33)
Portishead - Gabi said that he has a spy that Portishead have a new album coming in 2020 but that it's too late to have them play so maybe 2021.
The Rapture - booked for Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/udeelo)
Rex Orange County - touring Australia during PS 2020 (u/hjquique)
Stormy - Touring North America during PS 2020 (u/Dr-Gregorick)
Swans - already performing in BCN May 8, 2020 (u/danceonme)
Taylor Swift - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/Cactus_33)
Tove Lo - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/Cactus_33)
Tycho - already performing in BCN on March 1, 2020 and also booked for Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/danceonme)
Vampire Weekend - already performing in BCN on Nov 24, 2019 and Gabi said they have been annoyingly hard to book. Tour routing for June 2020 leaves them in position to play Governors Ball in NYC (u/danceonme)
Weezer - Gabi allegedly isn't a fan, also they are booked for Rock Am Ring the same weekend (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Wilco - performing in BCN on June 28 (u/Rico_Pliskin)
Wolf Alice - performing at Mad Cool 2020 in Madrid (u/hihateheggs)

The ranking of the most colourful characters in Polish football of the 21st century! Part 1/10, (91-100).

Here's the original: https://weszlo.com/2020/03/24/ranking-najbarwniejszych-postaci-xxi-wieku-91-100/
Polish football site Weszło.com made their ranking of 100 most colourful characters in polish football. I decided to translate its 1st part and, if there will be some interest in those stories, I will translate them all.
So here we go:
Polish football is full of colourful, unusual characters. Sometimes they are charismatic leaders, sometimes unforgettable heroes of anecdotes, sometimes it's just plain dickheads. Because we sit at home and get a little bored - we decided to gather all these colorful birds into one ranking. And here is a hundred of the most colourful figures of Polish football in the 21st century. What criteria did we choose? Basically - different. Sometimes we were guided by a person's influence on pop culture, sometimes by a multitude of strange stories, but also by charisma, charm or the level of an unusual CV. The most important thing is that this character is INTERESTING.
We start from the bottom and every day we will throw in a tenth from our ranking (and I will translate it from time to time ~Bartoni17). We chose the form of the ranking with the classic division into places, but remember - it's more of a form of inviting you to a discussion and an excuse to remember the dozens of anecdotes provided by our colorful characters. We realize that it is impossible to compare Bogusław Leśnodorski to Zbigniew Boniek or Jarosław Królewski and Orest Lenczyk. The whole thing is totally discretionary, but we hope that we treated the participants of the series "Polish Football" honestly. We hope that you will smile a few times. Have a nice trip and... until tomorrow!
100. WILDE-DONALD GUERRIER & EMMANUEL SARKI
An ideal kind of foreigners who come to the Polish Ekstraklasa. They raised its level? Undeniably. And at the same time they added some colour, although usually by actions which, hmm, are not MENSA references. When Wilde-Donald Guerrier came to the Wisła, he declared that faith is of great importance to him, he avoids parties and alcohol. And for a long time it was like that, until he came to know Emmanuel Sarki.
Then he turned into a demon. The Kraków's clubs "Coco" and "Frantic" became the second home of the colourful two. There were legends about their erotic conquests, some cannot count the offspring that one of them left behind after a few years in Krakow. People from Wisła clutched their heads in disbelief when Wilde-Donald confessed that he was feeding the child... with raw meat. A few months old child, let's add.
Wild Donald is the protagonist of the most absurd social media accident that happened to an Ekstraklasa footballer. He wanted to upload a picture of his jersey to Facebook, but he threw in a free photo of his cock.
NSFW
Sarki? Another incident that went down in history. In an interview for "Przeglad Sportowy" he revealed: - My great grandfather came to Nigeria from Haiti as a missionary. He died recently, at the age of 132. At the age of 132, which meant that Sarki's great-grandfather was the oldest man in human history. What's more, he beat the second oldest person by thirteen years!
To make it even more funny, Sarki was a Nigerian of blood and bone, and that great-grandfather was supposed to have Haitian roots, which would allow the player to play in the Haitian national team. In the same national team that Wilde-Donald (a hundred percent Haitian) persuaded him to play. When Sarki's call-up to the team came to Kraków, the club asked for any documents confirming Sarki's relationship with Haiti. In response, Wisła read that... the federation is not yet able to send papers. But it will soon.
Both of them were basically identical - a style for an „American rapper”, their own world, and not one by one in their heads. Guerrier had his own brand of clothing and loved cars. At one point in his life he had seven of them. Yes, at once. When one of the fans suggested under the picture of the Porsche Panamera that he should focus on playing instead of cars, he wrote briefly: - Fuck off.
Saying goodbye to the White Star, he wrote to the fan that his mother was a prostitute. He lost himself in the cars to such an extent that one day a lift trucker appeared at the Wisła training. The footballer took a few leases on him, but forgot that... they still have to be paid off.
Franz Smuda said that Sarki and Guerrier would send him to a psychiatrist. Watching the Wisła then had its peculiar charm - one of the Haitian aces was losing the ball, cameraman took a shot at Smuda, and he used his broken Polish-German-English to say the worst things to them. Once he shouted to one of them: - I'll kill you!
Guerrier told the media about Borusia Dortmund's interest, Sarki about Galatasaray. Eventually the first one went to Alanyaspor, the second one - to AEL Limassol (and today he plays in the fourth league Odra Wodzisław). Guerrier leaving, tricked his agent, Daniel Weber, who did the transfer, but... when it came to signing, DG77 flew alone so he didn't have to share the commission. Well, it's no coincidence that he got the name "Wilde" from his parents - supposedly because he's been behaving in a wild way since his first days.
99. STANISLAV LEVY
The Social One, Sultan of Olomouc, Denatured Midas. Imeprsonations in the commentaries on Weszło became classics. Probably the only coach in the Ekstraklasa, who had his club to tell him to get himself together, because a messy moustache, thinned haircut and a few days' beard were making associations for itself. And Levy himself din't look as a saint with his statements. Such as when he fainted during the match with Lech and during the live interview he admitted that he drank too little during the day.
The image of taxi driver from Mielec was making a base for incredible stories invented by our readers. Loans taken for ID of Sylwester Patejuk, Wigry 3 bicycle trips, a struggle hanging in the air, the smell of excrements, purple ragweed, dog named Scrappy, Jerzy the Dwarf pawned in a pawn shop, moonshine made from rats, a sip of Blue Paris, Sigma Olomouc's tracksuit... We don't know if there was a better series of fake stories in the history of the Internet. But we're afraid not. And We don't think it will ever happen again.
The Social One
Maybe we should drop off some classics, because there may not be a better opportunity:

(London, Stamford Bridge Stadium. Journalists from all over the world are coming to a press conference, during which the owner of The Blues himself is to introduce a new manager. To the amazement of the journalists, Chelsea's coach turns out to be not Jose Mourinho, but a Czech coach from Olomouc, Stanislav Levy, champion of Albania and bronze medalist of the Polish Ekstraklasa. A nice moustacheman makes him call himself "The Social One". Stanislav's first decisions were to hire a new training staff: his new assistant is a man named Mietek, a sports director named Mirek, and his concubine is appointed as a Chelsea's spokesperson. Levy's first move on the transfer market is to hire "a young, forward-looking," 26-year-old left defender Patrik Mraz. The Czech also decides to cooperate with the Bohemians Prague. Unfortunately, as the conference progresses, the coach more and more often drinks an unidentified liquid from his drinker. With every sip, the Czech Mourinho seems to be more and more absent. Embarrassed by the situation, Abramovich significantly pulls him by the sleeve of his jacket... Then Stanislav opens his eyes. It turns out that he is not sitting but lying down, not on the Stamford Bridge, but in a social house. It is not the Russian oligarch who lint him by the sleeve, but the Scrappy Dog, while in front of him, instead of English journalists, he sees empty bottles and a worn sweatshirt that says "Hansa Rostock 1986". London can breathe with a sigh of relief - the drunken eldorado has still not crossed the English Channel.
again this month, careless games with a cigarette and a denaturate end in a fire in a social tenement house. The sound of fire sirens is intertwined with the sinister creaking of the Wigry 3 bicycle on which the creator of the Olomouc catenaccio moves away from the place of the event.
completely drunk trying to tear the grating from a confessor in the confessional, thinking it's a grating from a sewer, he curse, and waves his fists when he fails to get absolution on credit.
On Saturday morning on Wrocław pitches officials notice the lack of nets on goalposts, there are holes in the fences after cutting with pliers. The monitoring system shows that on each object 4 men break into the object and still effectively took off the nets 2x5m. The officials scratch their heads with a helpless face. On Saturday, near Olomouc by the lake, the first poaching collection is taken out of the football nets just after noon. The victims were sturgeons, perches, hurdles but also children from the Wrocław pitches.

When the Skoda 130L on the Olomouc registration was leaving Śląsk's stadium, many footballers breathed a sigh of relief. - He was able to criticize the team so much that I felt sorry for some boys. I understand the reprimand and sometimes I got it myself. But he would come and insult people. Coach Lenczyk was a very strict and demanding trainer, but he did not destroy people. Levy did," said Sebastian Mila. After all, they weren't footballers, they were pozoranty.
98. NICKI BILLE NIELSEN Lech Poznań boasted that they had thoroughly examined the Dane and knew everything about him. They knew this nut so well that they put him in an apartment right next to the Old Town. And it's a bit like locating a guy fighting a candy addiction between a Haribo shop and a chocolate drinker. No wonder that after Nicki Bille's transfer, the profits of the nearby pubs and fast food bars reached record levels. Kolejorz's attacker may not have left a beautiful card in statistics, but Wrocławska Street was rumbling during his stay in Poznań.
We have heard from several people from Kolejorz, that he entered the first training games like a boar in an acorn. Bombardiero, as you look at it, scored against Termalica right at the beginning of the round and... later it was only worse. A muscle injury, then a mysterious nose fracture. The official version? A collision with a colleague in training. Unofficial version - boxing sparring on the town. Psychologically overwatched before transfer Nicki had no problem with organizing a trip to the capital, drink few stronger drinks and then driving in the car around the city.
In this hooligan mode, Bille Nielsen's lifestyle was quite broad. He was interested in art, painting, movies and rather the more ambitious ones. It is only a pity that he was a weak footballer. But at least he could guarantee the show. During the official presentation on the club's website, he said that one thing he was sure of - he would never go to Legia. We immedietely thought that in his childhood, throwed darts at posters with Brychczy and Pisz. Later, he said that shooting a goal is better for him than sex, and if it went to Legia's net, it would actually be like an orgy. Well, in recent months he has been shooting so many goals in Poznan that all sport he has left he has to do at home. Nicki had even more interesting life after he left Lech. Fights, drugs, sex in public, almost shot off, threats to the doctor... Maybe he didn't become the Danish athlete of the year, but at least he had an interesting relationship at InstaStories.
97. ARKADIUSZ PIECH
As effective on the pitch as outside of it. So, once he hit the right one, and once he didn't. In 2003, he and two of his buddies beat a 45-year-old. Firstly he and his mates threw some rocks on the victim's house, and when the guy, over 20 years older than the guys, went out to chase the kids away, the three assailants beat him with the rails pulled out of a nearby fence. Piech and his colleagues explained at the Police Station that it wasn't like that, they first had a contest in throwing stones at a distance and one of them accidentally fell in the garden of a 45-year-old man. He started to get angry, caught up with three guys, and an argument was started. The cops, didn't quite believe that a man with heart disease ran after the three guys. Eventually the earlier testimony was withdrawn by the attackers, Piech himself got a sentence - 1.5 years in prison, he got out after nine months.
"Świdnica County Eagle" (he supposedly described himself as such) hit for the second time in 2014. The media circulated information that completely drunk Arkadiusz Piech (then the name given without the letters I, E, C and H) fell into the emergency room together with his injured colleague. As we read - the sniper from the Ekstraklasa did not like waiting for his turn, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. And it wasn't about changing queue numbers, but about the hit in the chin of the doctor.
We heard various stories about Świdnica. That it can pull you in, and if you can't fight, you might have not the best stories from the city. Piech not only could fight, but he liked it. He was bragging about the connections in the Świdnica crime-world, the doctor mentioned above was supposed to be intimidated with the words "you know who the fuck I am and who I know?". We cannot deny Arek the colourfulness, although it is not the colour desired by mothers with future son-in-laws.
96. PIOTR LECH
One fact is indisputable - he must love goalkeepeing. He started playing in 1986, finished... 30 years later, in 2016. In his last performance in the Ekstraklasa he was 40 years, 10 months and 28 days old. And then he played in the lower leagues for eight more years.
If you believe in stories of a large number of Polish footballers, Piotr Lech would write the most interesting biography. More a legend of changing rooms than the media he never liked. A typical representative of the old school - a relaxed approach to lifestyle, first to the atmosphere and cloakroom mockery. In his book Szamotulski writes that Lech was one of the worst players in the history of the league in terms of lifestyle. Górnik once organized a meeting with a nutritionist. He asked the players how their breakfast looked like. Lech smiled: - A cigarette and a coffe.
"Szamo" also describes another story about Lech: "He liked to play with fate. As a player in the Ruch Chorzów, he made a bet with Jacek Bednarz that he would jump over the car. What's worse, a moving car. "Benek" didn't believe it, and that's a mistake. When the accountant was going to the club with her Fiat126p, suddenly Piotr ran right in front of the hood and jumped as high as he could - at the same time pulling his legs up to his chest. The car went under him, and Lech claimed the prize.
Another time Lech made a joke on Jacek Wiśniewski, to whom he proposed before the match "something good to stimulate". He glued a ball from a piece of paper and recommended to drink it with a liter of water. „Wiśnia” without asking what it was, swallowed and drank.
After the match, friends ask: - Wiśnia, how's that?

Great! What was that? Great!

Another show? Shooting firecrackers in the locker room. It took a few seconds of silence for Lech to enter the game, boom! He could see the victim and chase him with those firecrackers - the more fearful someone was, the more fun Lech had. Lech was also non-predictible on the pitch - he happened to hit Dariusz Wdowczyk, then Legia's coach, after a match in which, according to Lech and the whole GKS Bełchatów, the referee whistled suspiciously biased. He instructed the young ones, as Rafał Gikiewicz, for example, tells us: - Don't be a cunt! Get out from the goal, even if you make one mistake for five actions, they will still remember that you defended four!
Believe it or not - in those days Lech was a legend of many locker rooms.
95. PRZEMYSŁAW CECHERZ
We regret that we can't find the statistics of sending coaches back to the stands. Cecherz would have dominated over the rest of the stake with a lead worthy of Liverpool in the current season. Maybe only Ryszard Tarasiewicz would be able to compete with him. The author of perhaps the most famous rant of referees work at the memorable press conference after the match between Olimpia Grudziądz and Sandecja Nowy Sącz. - I don't know why. I have no idea. Maybe beacause of a weakness? Mister... In the match, show eleven cards? ELEVEN? Now, in the match, when two footballers meet with their heads, the card goes to two. And in my match only Szufryn got it. Why? Because he's weak. Can I swear? Because he's fucking weak. Or biased. Or biased... Why does he see two punishments one way and not for us? I'm asking. This is a situation that decides about a picture of a whole game. Am I afraid of those words? Sir, I'm afraid of God, no one else - Cecherz shot like a rifle.
RANT – you really don't have to understand any of this to be scared of him xD
He was also famous for the drying in the locker room. Sometimes trash cans and bottles were flying. Once at a press conference the stewards had to come to watch over furious Cecherz. He could shoot a whip over the players heads. Once, during a trip to the game, Michał Chrapek was quietly went to KFC. He tried to explain that he didn't eat anything there, that he just drank a milkshake. - I'll give you a fucking shake! You got your whole face in a coat! - Coach erupted.
94. NENAD BJELICA
Maybe he didn't leave a full trophy cabinet in Poznań, but he made the Polish ball richer with texts that have permanently entered the language of the Polish Ekstraklasa. Whoever hasn't thrown "cirkus and skandaloza" at least once, doesn't know life and sleeps head to toes.
You can say a lot about Bjelica - that the coach was not bad (maybe even very good), that he did not achieve successes in Lech, that he was sometimes impulsive. But you can't deny him one thing - he was damn expressive. When he made a thesis, he defended it until he fell. When, after Lech lost with Utrecht, he said that he was proud of the players, he teared up with everyone who dared to question the importance of this success. When he didn't like the VAR, he put on a castet for every verbal skirmish with a supporter of video-verification.
Oh, circus and skandaloza is just the top of what we remember him from. Well, because Nenad happened to complain about the weather ("the temperature wasn't perfect") or throw himself almost with his fists to the fans (lost in Szczecin, the team manager had to separate him from the visitors' sector). Referees sent him to the stands regularly – one time he teased Kibu Vicuna, Jan Urban's assistant in Śląsk. Once he said to the referee "Jebe ti mater (I fuck your mother in Croatian, as you can expect, completely understandable phrase for Polish referee), what the fuck have I done?!". He also decided that the Poznań journalists should play with Lech to one goal, and if Kolejorz reaches for the championship, then with their participation.
Bjelica's testosterone level was way above normal. And at the same time - when he cooled down and put aside his emotions - he was one of the most pleasant people in Polish football.
93. RICARDO SA PINTO
When he was signing the contract, it was not known if it will be better with Legia, but you could bet on something else - that it will be more interesting. He had a rich resume, but also a patch of the troublemaker, who can only last a few months in one place. And what a surprise - in Legia he turned out to be a troublemaker who only lasted a few months.
But even those few months were enough for him to argue with the whole world. Even with people as conflict-free as Waldemar Fornalik (!), with whom the Portuguese stood during the match to a little fight, just like with Michał Probierz. He was disturbed by everything - the church bells next to the Legia training field, which he ordered to be silenced. The advertising bands around the bench, which he willingly treated from his shoe. The pitch at Łazienkowska Street, which condition he openly criticised. The VAR system and the referees, who got the worst treatment from him at every possible opportunity.
But also the older players he kicked out of Legia without regret - Michał Pazdan, Krzysztof Mączyński or Arkadiusz Malarz. He did not even trust his co-workers and he happened to throw out Polish members of the training staff from the briefing room. He even had a fight with journalists who had been with the Legia for years and who decided to insult Sa Pinto by coming to the training camp in Portugal. The coach cut them off from everything (even the photojournalists), and when he found out that one of the newspapers had been accommodated above his room, he put the whole hotel personnel on full alert and had the insolent writers evicted. In fact, Iza Koprowiak from "PS" even couldn't ask questions at official press conferences.
In her articles we could read about the sick rules that the Portuguese introduced. Not answering the phone from the staff? A few hundred euros penalty. Distancing yourself from Warsaw by 30 kilometres? The penalty. Sa Pinto didn't even respect his assistants, who he once ordered at 11 p.m. to go to the stadium for a cosmetic bag he forgot. We don't even mention such actions as throwing muddy shoes to a warehouse worker.
And we were not at all surprised by the recording, which circulated the Internet a moment after the release of Sa Pinto from the Legia, in which Richard the Lionheart was invited out from the plane. Probably someone got a problem with him again!
92. STANISLAV SALAMOVICH CHERCHESOV
Igor Lewczuk: - In the preparatory period before the season during Cherchesov's era, the warm-up was more tiring than the main training with other coaches.
Marcin Komorowski: - It's the hardest preparation I've ever participated in, I don't think it's possible to train more.
He was able to make a dryer in the locker room after a 2:1 victory over the Zagłębie Lubin, and he was also able to pat the players on the shoulder after a defeat with Termalica and say that football is sometimes like that. He suspected Ivica Vrdoljak about simulating an injury, he said something back to him, and since Cherchesov's hierarchy in the team was clear, Cherchesov only responded to the footballer with blaclisting him from a camp where Legia was at that time.
In Legia they laughed that he train players like dogs. Stories from the football-fiction series made a sensation, in which Cherchesov with a bear on the chain rushes players to intervals. Whatever the appraisal - the attitude and way of being fit into these imaginary stories like to no other coach. Well, imagine such a story with - let's say - Jacek Magiera. It would come out comically, and with Cherchesov - even being aware of the absurdity of this story - it did not seem so abstract. There was a lot of truth in the stories about the football player puking after training with Stani. His approach to players can be summed up by the story of when, after Legia, he wanted to put Roman Pavlyuchenko into play, who had a broken arm. Cherchesov only asked: - Wait, he plays with his hands or feet?
Cherchesov with his players
He also trained journalists - just a memorable skirmish with Żelisław Żyżyński (yes, that's a Polish name) in a pre-match interview, or a classic from the conference 'gentlemen, the end of these questions, we have a plane right away'. The trainings were closed, for exceeding the allowed quarter of an hour to watch Legia trainings, journalists were to pay "a few euros penalty, because in Legia a new era began also for journalists". Bloody Stan from distant Ossetia chewed on the nails and desires of his opponents.
Bogusław Leśnodorski (one of Legia's owners at the time), who defined his role in the Legia accurately, stated that a certain group of people, under certain circumstances, needs this type of boss. Legia took a task-seeker who was to give her the crown of the Ekstaklasa twice for the centenary of the club and eventually he gave it. But in the long run it was difficult to work with him. And we're not just talking about footballers who would probably withstand a maximum of one more round with him, and then you would have to give them to Ciechocinek healt resort. Cherchesov didn't even care for club academy, which he called a "kindergarten". And this in an interview on the official Legia club website. In the same conversation, the eternally injured Mateusz Szwoch was sent to learn to play the violin.
91. JACEK WIŚNIEWSKI
When he was going out to the presentation in Górnik Zabrze, he joked that he "bumped into a crooked snout", and when the fans were taking pictures with him, he suggested, with a smile, that you have to turn the camera to make the photo come out normally. You shouldn't judge people by their appearance, but Jacek Wiśniewski's appearance... says everything about him.
A killer on pitch who played in over 200 games in the Ekstraklasa. He's talking about himself - "chopping lumberjack." In the locker room they joked that as a kid he chewed raw beef instead of gum. He was not a virtuoso, but in every club he was extremely respected. A lot about Wiśniewski is said by the situation from GKS Jastrzębie. A field clash, "Wiśniewski" on the ground, a bone breaks in his wrist. When the doctor sees this injury, he immediately reports the change on behalf of the player.

No, no, no change! - Wiśniewski protests and... plays the game to the end. With a broken arm, wrapped in a bandage.

After the match, he said that he will train normally this week. Plaster? He can wear it if the referees let him run out on the pitch in it. And since the rules forbid playing with plaster, he stands on an elastic bandage. For Górnik Zabrze he was able to give back a lot. He declared that he would come to this club on his knees. We once asked if it was true that for eight years he had played in Górnik for three thousand złotys (around 600-700 euros) - No. I'm honestly saying that the last two years they raised me to five - he answered with a smile.
Do you already understand why he was the perfect material for the stand's favourite? Anyway, he was even respected by fans of opposing teams. And if not, there was a confrontation. Szczakowianka Jaworzno, a train trip to Szczecin. Train stops for a while, three Pogoń fans stand on the platform. They catch on, show Wiśniewski with a finger. The footballer, thinking little, jumps out the window and runs towards them. Three on one. The fans of Pogoń can see that it is about to get hot and soften momentarily. To get out of the situation somehow... they ask for an autograph.
They know what the fight can end with. Wiśniewski liked to fight, which he never hid. But how can you hide it if your face says you've taken a few harder punches in your life? Wiśniewski trained boxing when he was a kid. He finished when he came home with a black eye. But he came back to martial arts after his career, he performed in MMA. When before the gala he got a question about what repertoire of punches he will present, he answered with confidence: - Good fucking hit from a leg is way to go. As befits a footballer.
The interview after his first fight became a legend. "Okay, I lost, but is that what a knockout man looks like? Let's not fuck around! The referee could still let us fight!"
INTERVIEW AFTER FIGHT
He's never been a good boy. He says if it wasn't for coach Bochynek, he'd either be dead or at best landed in a jail. Friends in the business? Some of them are "cunts" for Wiśniewski and would gladly beat them up. Many times he happened to discipline other players from the team.. One of the statements about players who complain about trainings: - Well, don't let them sign contracts! Let one of them go to the mine with the other one, work for eight fucking hours! And then what will he say? "Fuck, I'm gonna go down that mine for eight hours again?" And he's only got two-fourty here, and for a lot of money! And he's still whining! I've never been fucking around!
Wiśniewski worked in the mine, so he knows how hard it is. He always said what was in his heart. Just like in another interview that went down to legend
"Wiśnia" had his undeniable charm, but he was not always brainy. This is testified to - but also about his strong character - the story from the league debut, for which ... he forgot his boots . He founded the ones that were in the cloakroom at hand, two numbers too small. Wiśniewski recalled in Przegląd Sportowy: - I was running like a duck on the pitch. During the break, I take off those damn shoes, and there is a lot of blood, it was possible to spill, on every finger, a hellish blaze.
His sloppiness was also a reason for jokes from his teammates (anecdote above with Piotr Lech in the lead role). Some time ago, we tried to arrange an interview with "Wiśnia". The details were to be determined by text.

Which day will suit you? - we asked.
Yes - we read in reply.

The appointment failed.
Authors:: DAMIAN SMYK i JAKUB BIAŁEK

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